In every romantic relationship, there’s a quiet language of connection— small gestures, smiles, nice words,
and those moments that build intimacy and trust over time.
These are known as emotional bids, and they play a pivotal role in how couples grow closer or drift apart.
What Are Emotional Bids?
An emotional bid is a request for attention, affirmation, or emotional connection. To be seen, heard and validated creates connection. These bids can be as simple as reaching for your partner’s hand, sharing a funny meme, or saying, “I had a tough day.” They might be verbal—like asking your partner’s opinion on something—or nonverbal, such as a longing glance or a light touch on the shoulder.
Know this, every bid is an invitation to connect. And how you respond to your partner’s bids can shape the health and happiness of your relationship.
The Three Ways Couples Respond to Emotional Bids
According to couple's psychologist Dr. John Gottman, couples respond to each other’s emotional bids in three ways:
and those moments that build intimacy and trust over time.
These are known as emotional bids, and they play a pivotal role in how couples grow closer or drift apart.
What Are Emotional Bids?
An emotional bid is a request for attention, affirmation, or emotional connection. To be seen, heard and validated creates connection. These bids can be as simple as reaching for your partner’s hand, sharing a funny meme, or saying, “I had a tough day.” They might be verbal—like asking your partner’s opinion on something—or nonverbal, such as a longing glance or a light touch on the shoulder.
Know this, every bid is an invitation to connect. And how you respond to your partner’s bids can shape the health and happiness of your relationship.
The Three Ways Couples Respond to Emotional Bids
According to couple's psychologist Dr. John Gottman, couples respond to each other’s emotional bids in three ways:
- Turning Toward – Engaging with your partner’s bid in a positive way. This could mean responding warmly when they initiate conversation, laughing at their joke, or offering comfort when they express stress.
- Turning Away – Ignoring the bid, which can make your partner feel unimportant or rejected. If one person tries to initiate intimacy and the other is constantly distracted, it weakens the emotional connection. Turning Against – Reacting negatively or dismissively. For example, responding to a partner’s attempt at affection with sarcasm or frustration can create emotional distance.
- Successful couples turn toward each other’s bids most of the time— whether it’s responding to a message, engaging in conversation, or simply acknowledging their partner’s feelings.
Why Emotional Bids Matter in Love
In relationships, happiness isn’t built on grand romantic gestures alone—it’s cultivated through everyday moments of connection. Studies show that couples who regularly turn toward each other’s bids are more likely to have fulfilling, resilient relationships, whereas those who frequently turn away or against their bids may experience emotional disconnection over time.
- If a partner constantly feels ignored or dismissed, they may stop making bids altogether. This often leads to resentment, loneliness, and a breakdown in communication—the silent drift that many couples don’t realize is happening until it’s too late.
How to Strengthen Your Relationship Through Emotional Bids
If you want to deepen intimacy and strengthen your connection, consider these small yet powerful ways to respond to bids: - Listen with Presence – Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen when your partner speaks.
- Engage with Enthusiasm – Whether it’s responding to a shared thought or laughing at their joke, your excitement reinforces their importance.
- Show Affection – Physical gestures, like a hug or a playful touch, signal warmth and connection.
- Validate Emotions – Even if you don’t fully understand their feelings, expressing support can make them feel seen and valued.
- Appreciate the Little Moments – A simple “thank you” or “I love you” can be an emotional bid that strengthens closeness.
- Emotional bids are the heartbeat of relationships. They’re the micro-interactions that either nurture intimacy or create emotional distance. By recognizing and responding positively to your partner’s bids, you reinforce trust, deepen love, and build a foundation that withstands life’s ups and downs.
So, the next time your partner reaches out—whether with a smile, a question, or a request for attention—consider how you’ll respond. Your reaction might just be the key to a stronger, happier relationship. By: Jo Ellen S. Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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