This is how we interpret and respond to the world and what happens around us.
The stories that we created for us as we grew into adulthood
about what we believed our lives to look like,
our marriage, our children, our homes
are now challenged by what happens in real life.
Often we do not realize that we match our real lives
to our created fantasies of life as we have grown into adults.
Often our partners either know our assumptions and expectations
based on these fantasies of marriage and life.
Our partners provide care giving and care receiving roles.
When there is a degree of lack of fit and added stress, there is conflict.
Thoughts connect to feelings.
There are exits and entrances to our family systems
and those are stress producing change,
even if there is good change.
As well, there is predictable change and unpredictable change.
How do we weather these changes as individuals,
and how do we as a couple?
We as human beings respond to 'felt security'
and when that security is threatened,
conflict arises whether the treat is real or imagined.
In couples work, one of the many questions important towards understanding couples dynamics is:
"How do you share and talk about pressures."
Does the couple have a friendship towards each other,
can they turn towards each other
rather than away
when feeling threatened to work at the issue
as a 'we' rather than isolate.
One of the other questions important in couples work for each to answer is:
"When do you feel appreciated? What makes you feel appreciated?"
The answers that the individual provides
often is much different than what their partner has awareness.
Give it a try.
Ask your partner.
Did the answer match yours?