our means of deep listening and communication and feeling heard.
I have spoken about the most desirable physical condition
to accomplish congruence --
being at arms length and eyes level, sitting or standing.
eyes / seeing one another
ears / hearing one another
mouth / talking
skin / touching
nose / smelling
If you look at me and I look at you, then we can see each other.
Otherwise we have to make it up.
We can think about these new channels as tubes that are
moving things back and forth between people,
like the ears do it through the airwaves.
If all my channels are working,
my sight, my sound, my touch, my smell, my brain and my gut
are all connected,
they are all open and I hear something full and round.
The muddy picture comes when someone is talking here and looking over there,
or when somebody is talking to somebody and thinking about something else.
It is the equivalent of one radio receiver
in one ear and one in the other with each turned to a different station.
That leaves the opportunity for people to feel
mis-heard, mis-seen, mis-felt,
all the consequences that lead to
Many people use mis-communication
as an occasion to blame either themselves or the other.
What I suggest is that this be used as a clue
that the channels are not connecting
and go on a search to understand
what is happening instead of blaming,
which will surely stop any further discovery.
When making such a search, ask yourself the question,
"What did I see and hear, and what thoughts and feelings did I then have?"
Share this with the other person and ask that person to do likewise.
Your chances of really being seen and heard increase
when you take responsibility for having yourself at arm's length position
with anyone (including children) with whom you are trying to make contact.