The basics require four sentences:
- Stand on your own two feet.
- Put your arms around your partner.
- Focus on yourself.
- Quiet yourself down--way down.
The real power of hugging till relaxed comes in realizing that its both a window offering a clear view of the level of differentiation in your relationship and a useful tool for developing more differentiation. It's a perfect example of using touch to grow yourself up buy learning to enjoy togetherness and separateness.
Differentiation is your ability to stand on your own two feet, physically and emotionally when you are close together. It allows you to stay close while your partner "bounces off the wall."
If you can quiet yourself while your partner is flooding with anxiety, and you don't have to move away or make him or her feel differently, in order to control your own emotions. You can stay near--all you have to do is calm yourself down.
Hugging till relaxed provides a tangible way to learn to self-soothe to quiet yourself, to maintain yourself in close proximity to your partner.