These are demonstrations of personal faith--faith in themselves and their potential to function at a higher level than they have previously attained. They manifest the qualities of heroism, generosity, and spirituality and lack of shame.
Poorly differentiated couples are much like "emotional Siamese twins." This analogy helps keep the emotionally stuck characteristics vividly in mind. Although Siamese twins are physically fused, the analogy helps identify the degree of emotional fusion which can keep a couple stuck.
An important aspect of human differentiation is intentionality. Self direction shapes our destinies. When we ignore the role of free will and active participation in our own lives, we damage and discourage ourselves.
The goal is to have freedom within human relationships. Freedom doesn't come from getting away from your partner--- it comes from mastering yourself enough to know there is room for two people in your relationship. You and your partner.
You can stop trying to control or limit your partner. This is about fear. The fear you have that you believe must make sure there is enough space for you in your relationship. It is not the freedom to do whatever you wish. The quality of the intentionality is not about being stubborn, selfish, or inconsiderate. It is about being a self without fusing with a partner.
Intentionality brings freedom from tyranny of the lowest common denominator. Without freedom, commitment and marriage loose their meaning.
And without differentiation there is no freedom.
It is the path of personal liberation.
The lively changing acts of self definition enrich my soul. They illustrate what happens when what is good and solid in us gets shaken, when we refuse to denigrate ourselves any longer or tolerate our own self-deceptions.
We hold onto ourselves, face our long avoided development, and rid ourselves of our overriding sense of shame .
To me, these are acts of human heroism.
Schnarch - Passionate Marriage