Child's solutions to conflict (then) often become the Adult's
The Child who in the
having any desires
has arrived at a good solution
for dealing with his pain.
Without desires he does not have to face the emotional distress of not having his needs met and longing for what he cannot have.
But if this carries over to Adulthood, the solution of denying desires now becomes the problem.
This perpetuates feeling deprived.
What worked well when there were no choices, if continued as an Adult, stops the awareness that choices exist. Deprivation was a reality that was forced on the Child. And the Child artificially forced that belief onto himself--when in the Child state. It therefore becomes the cue to the familiarity of home and in Adulthood is expected in intimate relationships.
What is good for the Adult (which leads to becoming an adult) has likely experienced as bad for the Child. The Child is threatened with the loss of the familiar--of having to leave home. The Adult, however, must let go of what he needed and move on if he is to become an autonomous Adult.
We cannot change the past and achieve some goal of the denied Child.
The emotional hunger to change the past may fuel great efforts in the present, but will not change the past.
Just look at the lonely, isolated, or depressed CEO, professor, movie star, businessman, et al.
To the outside world, he looks incredibly successful, yet he may consider himself to be unfulfilled, a failure.
I found one particular vignette of Sesame Street fascinating.
One puppet character said to the other,
"Come over here."
"I am here." replied the other.
"No, you are there. I am here."
"Oh no,m I am the one who is here, and it is you who are there."
While watching this exchange, I was struck by how often people start "here," feeling they are not ok and then believe they will be ok if they get to "there." Of course when they get "there," you may not be feeling ok. The Sesame Street vignette demonstrates that unless the journey starts with valid feelings of one''s own unique worth, it does not matter where one travels.
The player who is convinced that he has three strikes against him before coming to bat experiences hitting the ball out of the park as avoiding being exposed as a failure. Rather than as a success.
Kardener & Kardener ~ Breaking Free