Once you realize that you and your partner are in two separate "boats" you understand the nature of your dilemma:
you want to steer your own boat---and your partner's too.
We call this "togetherness"---as long as you are steering for both of you.
When your partner does the same thing, however, it's called "control."
If you want both absolute certainty of your partner's course and
certainty that you are not controlling him or her---you have run into a two choice dilemma.
Such dilemma's arise from our human nature: we are fundamentally separate life forms who value both
attachment and autonomy. We have the fantasy that we have the choice between being anxious or not.
Unfortunately, we don't.
Our choice is between one anxiety or another. Do something scary---or face problems from not doing it.
Make an error by commission---or by omission. Do (sexual) things you have never done---or forfeit the taste of life.
Face the anxiety of growing up---or the terror of facing life as a perpetual child.
Confront the fear of differentiation or the dread of marital living death.
You and your partner will probably face the two choice dilemma specific to your relationship at some point,
if you have not already.
Dilemmas are part of the fabric of life---and thus part of your marriage.
When relationships hit gridlock, everyone wants two choices. The problem is you only get one at a time.
You make a choice and then your partner makes a choice.
That is when you encourage your partner to be reasonable so you really don't have to choose.
Expecting your partner to sacrifice for you in the name of love kills marriage, sex, intimacy, & love.
What we thnk makes us feel loved---the illusion of fusion---destroys sexual desire and growth.
That is why if you are "normal" your marriage is an accident waiting to happen.
The accident is "gridlock" ---which is no accident at all.
Two-choice dilemmas are grindstone of differentiation.
They are part of a system in which your partner's mere attempts to have a self.
And that may puncture your narcissism.