Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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Thoughts And Emotions Are Partners.  They Are Not Enemies.

3/23/2018

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When you surround your emotions with a village of skills and abilities, your logical intelligence and your emotional intelligence will be able to work together.  When you can allow your emotions to flow, you will free your intellect from the impossible task of ruling your entire life without support.  Then your intellect will be free as the air itself, able to translate information masterfully becasue it wont be expect to actually ferry information from me place to another all by itself. 

Transporting information, skills, and energy---that is the emotion's job.  The logical intellect has its own job; it translates, organizes, stores, and retries information.  When the two can work together in your balanced psyche, you will become intelligent in deep and meaningful ways.

Judgement, in its truest sense, simply tells you what a thing is and whether it works for you or not.

Healthy judgement is a combination of your airy intellect and your watery emotions coming together to form a considered opinion. 

Healthy mature judgement isn't bad tempered name-calling or simple-minded categorization
of the world.  It is an internal decision making process about what a thing is and whether it suits
you or not. 

If you try to emote without thinking---without judging---you will likely fly off the handle. 
But if you try to judge without feeling your way through your decision, you won't ever be able to decide.

Thoughts and emotions are partners.  They are not enemies.

Healthy judgement helps us define ourselves in the world and it helps us separate the wheat from the chaff.  This process of definition keeps us focused and centered.  

Healthy judgement helps us decide between this idea and that, between this option and that. 
Healthy judgement does not need to trash the path not chosen, it just needs to be free to make decisions and engage with its environment. 

Trying to squelch judgement is futile, because we are active, reactive and responsive beings. 
We will always have our own thoughts and feelings about events, and we will always judge and process our environment independently---no matter how many rules we ingest or how authoritarian our teachers. 

Healthy judgement is a natural process of making intelligent and competent decisions with our hearts and mind acting together, and with our logical intelligence and our interpersonal intelligence respectfully communicating with each other.  This is very different from bad tempered name-calling or labeling.

Many of us have fallen into the trap of thinking that spirit and science, or logic and emotion, or physical life
and spiritual life are at odds with one another, but this is preposterous. 
None of our intelligences are at odds with one another, they are only at odds in lopsided and confused
  human psyches. 

Mysteries and beauties are abound in all parts of us, and true genius dances in the places where those parts intertwine.











The Language of Emotions - McLaren


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Communicating Your Feelings to Your Partner

3/6/2018

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Communicating your feelings means letting your partner know that your feelings have something to do with what they said or what they did.  This level of dealing with your feelings is usually riskier than simply expressing them to a third party or seeing them down on paper.

Yet when we let our partner know how we feel we let them know us. 

When you let your partner know how you feel towards him or her, you have the greatest likelihood of being able to work through or "complete" the feeling. 
In short, to be done with it. 
You can live in fear or anger toward someone for a long time without any change until you finally let the person know how you feel.  Appropriately, respectfully, and authentically.
Once you do, you no longer need to "hold" the feeling in secret or silence. 
Relief, freedom, peace is the outcome of revealing our feelings to our partners.

The first rule in sharing your vulnerabilities and feelings to your partner is respect. 

If he or she is not truly ready or willing to hear you, you are likely to go away feeling discounted and misunderstood.  When you are ready to tell your partner about your feelings, ask him or her to make time to listen to you. 

You may say, "I have something important to say an I would like you to listen."  If the other person interrupts you, you might say, "Would you please wait until I am finished.  Then I would like to hear what you have to say."  When your partner truly listens to you, it means that they give you their undivided attention, they don't interrupt, and they don't offer any advice, opinions, or judgements.
They just listen.  Silently and attentively. 
They may ask a question or summarize what you just said occasionally. 
This summarizing is called active listening.

Good listening skills on the part of your partner will actually enhance your ability to disclose and communicate more about what you are feeling. In addition, the person you are speaking to can best listen if you respect him or her and refrain from blaming or making him or her feel responsible for your feelings.

The three skills needed to accomplish this are:

1. Use first person statements.  "I feel..." or "I am feeling..."  In this way you take responsibility for your feelings rather than putting them off onto the other person.  The moment you tell someone, "You made me feel..." you relinquish your responsibility and put the other person on the defensive.

2. Refer to the other person's behavior rather than making a personal attack.  Initially you may be angry at the other person or scared of the other person, however this usually turns out to be over generalization and accomplishes little.  You will then discover you are really angry or scared at what the other person said or did, not them.

3. Avoid Judgements.  This point speaks for itself and is an extension of the previous point of blaming and pushing someone away rather than communicating and taking responsibility for your own feelings. 

Strong feelings are often a clue to unmet needs.  By looking for the "need" behind your feelings you can give your feelings a new and deeper perspective. 
View your negative feelings as a sign not a problem. 
Remember, Identify, clarify, express.





"The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook", Bourne

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    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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