Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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Moments of Sensitivity in Love Relationships

10/15/2018

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For all of us, the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth. 

If you have been in a love relationship you can understand these moments of sensitivity.

All it takes is a slight turning way of the head or a flip, careless remark.  There is no closeness without this sensitivity.
If our connection with our mate is safe and strong, we can deal with these moments even closer. 

But when we do not feel safe and connected these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. 
They set fire to the whole relationship.

We can get stuck in three basic patterns of behavior.  The dead end pattern of mutual blame keeps a couple miles apart, blocking re-engagement and a safe haven.  Many couples lapse into this pattern for short period, however it is difficult to maintain over time. 

For many, there is a notion of "find the bad guy" which is the brief prelude to the most common dance of distress.
This is more of a demand-withdraw pattern of behavior or a criticize-defend. 
Most accurately a form of protest against the loss of a sense of a secure attachment that we all need in a relationship. 

There is one other form of protest which occurs which is the Freeze and Flee, which is when each or one feels so hopeless they begin to give up for the safety of attachment in the relationship and they put their own emoticons and needs in the deep freeze, leaving only numbness and distance.  Both partners step back to escape hurt and despair.  Suddenly no one is participating and this becomes the most dangerous dance of all.

All of us get caught in one of these negative interactions at some point in our love relationships.  For some these are brief, though risky, and challenges secure connections.  For some who are less secure these can become habitual response and eventually toxic patterns can become so ingrained and permanent that they totally undermine the relationship, blocking all attempts at repair and re-connection.

We have only two ways of protecting ourselves and holding on to our connection with our partners when we do not feel safe and responded to.  One route is to avoid engagement, that is to numb our emotions, to shut down and deny our attachment needs.  The other is to listen to our anxiety and fight for recognition and response.  We can learn new ways of asking for our needs to be met when emotional safety is lost. 


Three basic ways of recognizing the negative cycles I suggest is:
  • Stay in present and focus on what is happening between you right now.
  • Look at the circle of criticism that spins both of you around. There is no true start to a circle.
  • Consider the circle, the dance, as your enemy, not each other. 
  • See the consequences of not breaking this circle and of being stuck.

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"We are never so vulnerable as when we love." S.Freud.

10/2/2018

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"Our emotions do not deserve being put into opposition with "intelligence." 
"Our emotions are themselves, a higher order of intelligence."  
     
-O. Hobart Mowrer,



Strong emotion is the essence of love --- and strong emotion is what has given love a bad rap. 
We do not understand intense emotion, and we do not tend to trust it. 

We want the joy and elation love brings. 
They lift us up our of our dull, mundane routines and make us feel alive and significant. 

We abhor the fear and anger and sadness that also attends love. 
They drop us into deep pits of desolation and despair and make us feel helpless and out of control.

As Freud remarked several years ago, "We are never so vulnerable as when we love."

The reason that distress in a relationship so often plunges us into inner chaos is because our hearts and brains are set up to use our partners to help us find our balance in the middle of distress and fear. 
If they instead become a source of distress, then we are doubly bereft and vulnerable. 

Many can fall into the routines of life and forget about taking care of our relationships. 
Friendship takes work as well as a love relationship.  Some partners seem to forget about attending to what is most important to them, each other.

By moving close to another person, (called "contact comfort") the impact of every risk or threat is reduced. 

Amazing as it is, new research has given us information about love relationships and reveals the impact of emotion in our closest relationships.

"For humans," says psychologist Ed Tronick of the University of Massachusetts, "the maintenance of emotional balance is a dyadic collaborative process." 
In other words, we are designed to deal with emotion in concert with another person --- not by ourselves.

Know this.  A loving connection is the natural antidote to fear and pain. If you have moved away from this notion, find your loving connection again.









Taken from, 'Hold Me Tight,' S. Johnson



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    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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