"In all conflict, the creation of constructive conflict management includes the development of the following skills..."
writes couples therapist, John Gottman.
1. Gentle start up.
This is about how a partner raises an issue in the first three minutes of the conversation.
Using "I" statements and not "you." The partner states what he or she feels, the the facts about the situation engendering his or her feelings, and finally what he or she needs or wishes to correct in the situation.
2. Accept Influence.
One partner being helped to accept the influence of the other. Specifically honoring the statement of your partner, validating their thoughts and respecting those thoughts. Not necessarily that you agree, however to support and fully listen.
3. Make effective repairs during conflict.
Making an effort to validate, see and hear what you partner is saying and fully listen.
Each partner to give that space to the other,
4. De-escalate.
Understanding each of your triggers from wounds of the past and understand your attachment needs.
5. Compromise.
For each partner to identify aspects of each point of view that are core to each of you, and what aspects are flexible.
6. Do physiological soothing of self and partner.
Recognize when you are beginning to moved into arousal or flooding, and how to soothe yourself
or each other by taking breaks and relaxing yourself.
To Identify a time to come back to the discussion towards the resolution.
writes couples therapist, John Gottman.
1. Gentle start up.
This is about how a partner raises an issue in the first three minutes of the conversation.
Using "I" statements and not "you." The partner states what he or she feels, the the facts about the situation engendering his or her feelings, and finally what he or she needs or wishes to correct in the situation.
2. Accept Influence.
One partner being helped to accept the influence of the other. Specifically honoring the statement of your partner, validating their thoughts and respecting those thoughts. Not necessarily that you agree, however to support and fully listen.
3. Make effective repairs during conflict.
Making an effort to validate, see and hear what you partner is saying and fully listen.
Each partner to give that space to the other,
4. De-escalate.
Understanding each of your triggers from wounds of the past and understand your attachment needs.
5. Compromise.
For each partner to identify aspects of each point of view that are core to each of you, and what aspects are flexible.
6. Do physiological soothing of self and partner.
Recognize when you are beginning to moved into arousal or flooding, and how to soothe yourself
or each other by taking breaks and relaxing yourself.
To Identify a time to come back to the discussion towards the resolution.
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