One of the greatest barriers to compassion practice is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable.

I know it sounds strange, but I believe that understanding the connection between boundaries, accountability, acceptance and compassion has made me a kinder person.

I was a person who was sweeter ----judgmental and resentful and angry on the inside --- but sweeter on the outside. 

Today, I think I am genuinely more compassionate, less judgmental and resentful, and way more serious about boundaries.  I have no idea what this combination looks like on the outside, but it feels pretty powerful on the inside.

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we feel used and mistreated.  This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.  For our own sake, we need to understand that it is dangerous to our relationship and our well being to get mired in shame and blame, or to be full of self righteous anger.  It is also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. 

If we are going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability.


Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

Laughter, song and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing;

we are not alone.

Shame resilience requires laughter.  I refer to the kind of laughter that helps us heal as
'knowing laughter'. 


Laughter is a spiritual form of communing; without words we can say to one another,
"I am with you, I get it."

True laughter is not the use of humor as self-depreciation or deflection; it is not the kind of painful laughter we sometimes hide behind.  'Knowing laughter' embodies the relief and connection we experience when we realize the power of sharing our stories--we are not laughing at each other but with each other.

One of my favorite definitions of laughter comes from write Anne Lamott, "Laughter is a bubbly, effervescent form of holiness." 

A good belly laugh, singing at the top of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking are unquestionably good for the soul. 

They are also exercises in vulnerability.  There are many shame triggers around the vulnerability of laughing, song, and dance.  The list includes the fear of being perceived as awkward, goofy, silly, spastic, uncool, out of control, immature, stupid, and foolish.  For most of us, this is a pretty scary list.  The gremlins are constantly there to make sure that self-expression takes a backseat to self-protection and self-consciousness.

We hustle for our worthiness by slipping on the emotional and behavioral straitjacket of cool and posturing as the tragically hip and the terminally "better than."  "Being in control" isn't always about the desire to manipulate situations, but often it is about the need to manage perception.  We want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough. 
We are good enough, just who are we are today. 
No one else gets to vote.

When we don't give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others.  We put them down, make fun of them, ridicule their behaviors, and sometimes shame them.  We can do this intentionally or unconsciously.  Either way the message is, "Geez Man, Don't be so Uncool."

The Hopi Indians have a say, "To watch us dance is to hear our heart speak." 
I know how much courage it takes to let people hear our hearts speak, but life is way too precious to spend it pretending like we are super cool and totally in control when we could be
laughing, singing, and dancing.



Brene Brown _ The Gifts of Imperfection.

Codependency is the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.

The Five Core Symptoms of Codependency
1.   Neglecting your own needs
2.   No or Few Boundaries
3.   Owning your own reality
4.   Low Self Esteem
5.   Black and White Thinking

1.   Neglecting Our Own Needs and Wants. All people have needs, children as well as adults.A child must have his or her needs met initially by his or her major caregiver, or parent.  When this happens children are taught how to take care of each need they have when they become adults.

Codependents have had confusing messages as children and not have had their needs and wants met appropriately by their caregivers or parents.  Their needs were not met, perhaps ignored or denied.

A codependent’s needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low self-esteem when having a need or want. Sometimes the need or want has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.
This shame likely originated at multiple times when, as children,they were neglected by a caregiver or parent.  An example of such abuse is in scolding the child for having a need or want. Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.   Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness in a child and low self-esteem and trusting one’s own feelings as an adult.

2. Difficulty Setting or Respecting Boundaries.   An external boundary is about our distance to other people and being in the space of others and others are in our space.  An internal boundary protects our thinking, feeling, and keeps our behavior functional. Some people call internal boundaries walls.
A person who has no boundaries cannot be aware or sensitive to the boundaries of others.   Codependents demonstrate the boundaries that their parents had.  If the parent’s boundaries were nonexistent, the children usually do not develop any boundaries. 

3. Owning Our Own Reality.  Children, who come from dysfunctional families where they are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for their reality, learn that it is not appropriate or safe to express their reality. When these children grow up, they have difficulty as adults experiencing and owning their own reality since it was denied as children. Thus, these adult codependents may not even recognize their own needs and wants.  They have been taught to be aware and meet the needs and wants of others.

 4. Low self esteem. Codependents usually experience difficulty with self-esteem and in one of two different extremes.  Either an extreme low self-esteem or the extremes of feeling superior to others, (you think you are set apart and superior to other people).

A codependent often looks towards other to meet their needs.  Their needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low self-esteem when having a need or want. Sometimes the need or want has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish. 

An example of such abuse is scolding the child for having a need or want. Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.   Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness in a child and low self-esteem as an adult.

5. Black and White Thinking. Not knowing how to be moderate is a visible symptom of codependency. Codependents think in terms of black and white, good or bad, all or nothing.

 Codependent Relationships
Codependency is addiction to a relationship.  A codependent tries so hard to “fix” or “save” someone else that his/her own life is left in turmoil.  No one can control anyone else-----other people’s troubles are mostly due to patterns only they can change so trying to change those leads to one painful disappointment after another!

There are reasons we’re drawn to new relationships in which we try harder to solve our partner’s problems than they do.  These patterns are often from having to have grown up with parents or others adults who suffered from alcoholism, other drug addiction, or other addictive disorders or family dysfunction and may echo our childhood relationships with those adults.

Codependent Survival
Moving from little or no esteem to esteeming ourselves in a healthy ways, feels unfamiliar, for we are used to telling ourselves that we are being arrogant, or when we set boundaries that we are being distant. Put more energy into loving yourself than you do into trying to love others. Learning how to love yourself is at the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

Your feelings are ok, your reaction to them may not be. 
Learn to make this distinction.  Healthy systems of support will validate your feelings and will offer you guidance on how to constructively deal with your feelings.

Nobody recovers perfectly! Human beings sometimes make mistakes and have relapses. Healthy systems of support allow for mistakes and encourage you to embrace your imperfections in order to learn what you need to learn!

Remember, in the face of all this discomfort that:
You are responsible to you and your own well-being first,and others second!

This will be against your past learning and training, but it is important to know that you can care about others without having to take care of them!

You may need to also feel the anxiety as you make these changes.  You may need to – just stand the anxiety – as everybody around you is reacting.

Throughout marriage husband and wife must make room -- even if reluctantly --for change and for difference, for altering values, tastes, needs and careers. 

Husband and wife continually confront the issue of how to reshape their shared identity so it continues to express what they want as a couple and what they need as individuals.  Given the vast number of choices and trajectories, this challenge creates a never-ending tension in marriage.

Paradoxically, it is out of the push--pull of autonomy and togetherness that the couple acquires a sense of good emotional, moral, and cognitive fit. 

To reach the conclusion that the relationship is uniquely gratifying requires the meshing of both partners' conscious and unconscious wishes and needs and the acceptance of compromise as reasonably fair or at least temporarily necessary. 

To achieve this state, not only must each person feel free to make his or her wishes known but both must agree on what is fair.  This agreement allows each one to accept disappointments without rage and take a fair portion in lieu of everything.  It works only if the couple regards the well-being of the marriage as more important the the separate desire of either partner. 

The sense of what is fair is heavily influenced by the family of origin and the social milieu, but the final definition and modifications have to be worked out repeated in each marriage.  In today's world, each couple negotiates its own code of justice.

Building mutual empathy and 'we-ness' while respecting difference and autonomy is critical in preparing for the rewards and the strains of parenthood.  If pregnancy occurs before the work on these tasks has progressed significantly, parenthood begins at a grave disadvantage for the child and for the married couple.  The parents bring the baby home to a house made not of brick but of straw or twigs -- a house that may collapse.  The issues of togetherness and autonomy have to be re-examined when the children leave home and again at retirement.

The central task of giving and taking as you build the marriage has never been harder.  Nowadays men and women tend to marry later and are reluctant to relinquish their personal lifestyles.  It would help people contemplating marriage to understand that it is necessary to give up some of the rewards of being single.  Marriage demands that you meet the other person halfway, that you accept part rather than demand the whole.

Whatever the calculation that goes into the decision, you cannot be married and single at the same time.  Balancing togetherness with autonomy is one of the major keys to a successful marriage.




Wallerstein & Blakeslee - The Good Marriage

Love and belonging are essential to the human experience.   One thing separates men and women who feel a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seem to be struggling for it.

That one thing is the belief in our own worthiness. 

It is as simple and complicated as this:
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness--the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. 

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we are supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. 

Our sense of worthiness--that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging--
lives inside of our story.

Know this. 
You are worthy now. 
Now when this or that happens. 
Not if.  Not when. 
Right now.
Right this minute.

In addition to letting go of the 'ifs' and 'whens', another critical piece of owning our story and claiming our worthiness is cultivating a better understanding of love and belonging. 
Oddly enough, we desperately need both but rarely talk about what they really are and how they work.

As much as we need and want love, we do not spend much time talking about what it means. 
Think about it.  You might say, "I love you." every day. 
When is the last time you had a serious conversation with someone about the meaning of love? 

In this way, love is the mirror image of shame. 
We desperately do not want to experience shame, and we are not willing to talk about it.  Maybe we are afraid of topics like love and shame. 
Most of us like safety, certainly, and clarity. 
Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from this offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.


Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

How do we understand how we defend ourselves against shame?
According to Dr. Linda Hartling at the Stone Center, Director of Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies, she notes Karen Hornby's work on moving toward, moving again, and moving away to outline the strategies of disconnection to deal with shame.

According to Dr. Hartling, in order to first deal with shame, is to notice our responses.

• Some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. 

• Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. 

• Some of us move against by trying  to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame, for example, sending really mean emails.

Most of us use all of these--at different times with different people for different reasons. 
Yet all of these strategies move us away from our story.

Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection.  Our story is about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion, and connection.  If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story.  We also have to respond to shame in a way that does not exacerbate our shame.  One way to do this is to recognize that when we are in shame so we can react with intention.

Shame is a full contact emotion.  Men and women with high levels of shame resilience know when shame is happening.  The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame connection.  I know that I am struggling with shame when that warm wash of inadequacy comes over me, my heart races, my face feels hot, my mouth gets dry, my armpits tingle, and time slows down.
  It is important to know our personal symptoms so we can get deliberate in our response to shame.

When we are in shame, we are not fit for human consumption.  We need to get back on  our emotional feet before we do, say email or text something that we will regret.  I know that it will take me ten to fifteen minutes to pull myself together and that I will definitely cry before I am ready. 
I will also need to pray. Knowing this is such a gift.

If you want to kick-start your shame resilience and story claiming, start with these questions.  Figuring our the answers can change your life.

1. Who do you become when you are backed into that shame corner?
2. How do you protect yourself?
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people pleasing?
4. What is the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?

Our stories are not meant for everyone. 
Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: 
"Who has earned the right to hear your story?"

If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky.  If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging we are incredibility lucky.

We do not need love and belonging and story catching from everyone in our lives,
but we need it from at least one person. 
If we have that one person or that small group of confidants, the best way to acknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness.  If we are working towards relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place: 
I am worthy.



Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want."  Margaret Young.

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It is about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest. 
The choice to let our true selves be seen.

There are people who consciously practice being authentic, there are people who do not and there are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so authentic on other days.  Most people have some self doubt or shame.

The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted.  We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth, honest people, and we aspire to be like that in our own lives. 
We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we are supposed to weigh to what our houses are supposed to look like is a large undertaking.

Given the task at hand, living in a culture that wants you to "fit in" and "people pleaser" I decided I would define authenticity.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Choosing authenticity means:

• Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

• Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle.

• Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
  
  Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving -- even when it is hard, even when we are wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we are afraid to let ourselves feel it.
  
  Mindfully practicing authenticity daring our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.
  
  
  Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection
  

Not really wanting to admit it, but the truth about stillness is very anxiety provoking for me.  In my mind, being still is sitting cross legged on the floor and focusing on that elusive nothingness.  This didn't seem to work, for the resistance to the idea comes to this fact.

The more I think about thinking about nothing, the more comes into mind, such as, "Milk, bank, drycleaners, dinner...."  "Okay", says my brain, "Back to nothingness", and there we go again, "Milk, bank, drycleaners, dinner."  My brain continues to reply, "Ok is this over yet?"  Sound familiar?

I then began to realize that my initial thinking was wrong.   Coming up with a new definition of stillness addressed more than my first attempts.  I really understand what stillness can become.

Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness;
It is about creating a clearing.
It is opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.

Once we can let go of our assumptions of what stillness and what meditation is supposed to be for us, we stand a better chance of opening ourselves up and confronting the next barrier to stillness; fear.  And it can be big, big, fear.

It we stop long enough to create a quiet emotional clearing, the truth of our lives will invariably catch up with us. 
We convince ourselves that if we stay busy enough and keep moving, reality will not be able to keep up.  So we stay in front of the truth about how tired and scared and confused and overwhelmed we sometimes feel. 

Of course, the irony is that the thing that is wearing us down is trying to stay out in front of feeling worn down.  This is the self-perpetuating quality of anxiety.  It feeds on itself. 

In addition to fear, another barrier that gets in the way of both stillness and calm is how we are raised to think about these practices.

From very early in our lives, we get confusing messages about the value of calm and stillness.

Parents and teachers scream, "Calm down!"  or "Sit still!" rather than actually modeling those behaviors they want to see.  So instead of becoming practices we want to cultivate, calm gives us a way to perpetuate anxiety, and the idea of stillness makes us feel jumpy.

In our increasingly complicated and anxious world, we need more time to do less and be less.  When we first start cultivating clam and stillness in our lives, it can be difficult, especially when we realize how stress and anxiety define so much of our daily lives. 

But as our practices become stronger, anxiety loses its hold and we gain clarity about what we are doing, where we are going, and what holds true for us.



Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It is about the choice to show up and be real.
The choice to be honest. 
The choice to let our true selves be seen.

There are people who consciously practice being authentic, there are people who don't.  There are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so authentic on other days. 

Trust me, even though I know plenty about authenticity and it is something I work toward, if I am full of self-doubt or shame, I can sell myself out and be anybody you need me to be.

The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted.
  We feel hopeful because being real is something we value.

Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth honest people. 
We aspire to be like that in our own lives. 
We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we are supposed to weight and to what our house are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking.

What is the definition of authenticity? 
Where are the parts that come together to create an authentic self?

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Choosing authenticity means:

• Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;

• Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle;

• Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.

Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving--even when it is hard,
even when we are wrestling with shame and fear of not being good enough,
and especially when the joy is so intense that we are afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how
we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.




Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

What is joy?
Joy is a step towards happiness.
Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in, sometimes, when you are lucky.
Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.

Happiness and joy are different experiences.  Some people say, "Being grateful and joyful doesn't mean that I am happy all of the time." 

On many occasions I would delve deeper into those types of statement s by asking, "What does it look like when you are joyful and grateful but not happy?"  The answers are all similar, "Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude."

I also learned that neither joy nor happiness is constant; no one feels happiness all of the time or joyful all of the time.  Both experiences come and go.  Happiness is attached to external situations and events and seems to ebb and flow as those circumstances come and go.
Joy seems to be constantly tethered to our hearts by spirit and gratitude.  But our actual experiences of joy--these intense feelings of deep spiritual connection and pleasure--seize us in a very vulnerable way.

We need to experience both happiness and joy.  I think it is important to create and recognize the experiences that make us happy.  In addition to creating happiness in our lives, I have learned that we need to cultivate the spiritual practices that lead to joyfulness, especially gratitude. 

In my own life I would like to experience more happiness, but I want to live from a place of gratitude and joy.  To do this, I think we have to take a hard look at the things the get in the way of gratitude and joy, and to some degree, even happiness.


Brene Brown -The Gifts of Imperfection