Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Please. Perform. Perfect.

2/26/2017

Who is perfect? Society tells us to be perfect.
Our parents teach us to strive, to be the best.
Is perfectionism an issue for you?
If so, what is one of your strategies for managing it?
Do you give yourself permission to be "good enough?"
Did you grow up believing that accomplishments make up who you are,your worth, your self esteem?
Author and researcher, Brene Brown asks this question to many in her
data collection about perfectionism. She reveals in her book, Daring Greatly,
"I have never heard one person attribute their joy, success, or whole heartedness to being perfect.

In fact, what I have heard over and over throughout the years is one clear message: The most valuable and important things in my life came to me when I cultivated the courage to be vulnerable, imperfect, and self-compassionate."

Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our sense of purpose; it's the hazardous detour.

Like vulnerability, perfectionism has accumulated around it a considerable mythology.
I think it's helpful to start by looking at what perfectionism isn't.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.
Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.
Perfectionism is a defensive move. It is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. We are then loved if we are perfect.
Perfectionism is a twenty ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it is the thing that is really preventing us from being seen.

Perfectionism is not self improvement.
Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.
Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports).

Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system:
I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.
Please. Perform. Perfect.

Healthy striving is self focused: How can I improve?
Perfectionism is other focused: What will they think?
Perfectionism is a hustle.

The fear of failing, of making mistakes, not meeting people's expectation and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfold.

Taken from writing of Dr. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Forgiveness, A Block from Heartful Compassion.

2/24/2017

For everyone of us practicing forgiveness
is vital
for the healing of our hearts
so that we become willing to open up to an even
greater level of connection with ourselves.

Love is the sacred source of our wellspring of our courage and our confidence.
It is love that transports us to a place where our hearts are pure,
where we are not holding anything against anyone
because we know that the universe has brought us
the perfect people and experiences
for our own evolution.

Although we 'know' that all of our experiences
are ultimately leading us to open up and love,
this conclusion is one we must finally reach with
our hearts, not our heads.

When we are holding on to
any grudge, any resentment, any anger, any blame, any guilt,
any regret, any judgement, any bitterness, any disappointment
and self righteousness, any hater or any revenge it
becomes a barrier between
us and our loving hearts.

When we are blocked from heartful compassion,
we are unable to be fully loving.
Our resentments keep us with one foot stuck in the past.
If were are going to move forward with love,
as human beings of courage, strength, and power,
we cannot let incidents from our past bring us down.
We must release others-
and most important,
ourselves--from the prisons of our past.

"We see these things as horrific experiences,
terrible experiences, experiences of emotional pain,
when in truth they are really enlightened experiences
because they help us be who we are." James Va Praagh

Holding grudges and blaming are acts of the ego.
in each moment is the choice we make
to align either with our ego or the
with the love.

As our heart open, we step into grace and
flow of miracles that life is offering us,
which is when we listen,
is never ending.

The Illusion of Many Couples are that they must be in the "Same Boat".

2/14/2017

The illusion of many couples are that they must "be in the same boat."

Once you realize that you and your partner are in two separate "boats" you understand the nature of your dilemma:
you want to steer your own boat---and your partner's too.

We call this "togetherness"---as long as you are steering for both of you.
When your partner does the same thing, however, it's called "control."
If you want both absolute certainty of your partner's course and
certainty that you are not controlling him or her---you have run into a two choice dilemma.

Such dilemma's arise from our human nature: we are fundamentally separate life forms who value both
attachment and autonomy. We have the fantasy that we have the choice between being anxious or not.
Unfortunately, we don't.

Our choice is between one anxiety or another. Do something scary---or face problems from not doing it.
Make an error by commission---or by omission. Do (sexual) things you have never done---or forfeit the taste of life.
Face the anxiety of growing up---or the terror of facing life as a perpetual child.
Confront the fear of differentiation or the dread of marital living death.

You and your partner will probably face the two choice dilemma specific to your relationship at some point,
if you have not already.
Dilemmas are part of the fabric of life---and thus part of your marriage.

When relationships hit gridlock, everyone wants two choices. The problem is you only get one at a time.
You make a choice and then your partner makes a choice.
That is when you encourage your partner to be reasonable so you really don't have to choose.
Expecting your partner to sacrifice for you in the name of love kills marriage, sex, intimacy, & love.

What we thnk makes us feel loved---the illusion of fusion---destroys sexual desire and growth.
That is why if you are "normal" your marriage is an accident waiting to happen.

The accident is "gridlock" ---which is no accident at all.
Two-choice dilemmas are grindstone of differentiation.
They are part of a system in which your partner's mere attempts to have a self.
And that may puncture your narcissism.

Codependent Survival

2/13/2017

Codependency is the dependence on the needs of or control of another.
It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

Codependency may also be characterized by denial,
low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.

The Five Core Symptoms of Codependency
1.   Neglecting your own needs
2.   No or Few Boundaries
3.   Owning your own reality
4.   Low Self Esteem
5.   Black and White Thinking

1.   Neglecting Our Own Needs and Wants. All people have needs, children as well as adults. A child must have his or her needs met initially by his or her major caregiver, or parent. When this happens children are taught how to take care of each need they have when they become adults.
Codependents have had confusing messages as children and not have had their needs and wants met appropriately by their caregivers or parents. Their needs were not met, perhaps ignored or denied.
A codependent’s needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low
self-esteem when having a need or want.
Sometimes the need or want has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.

This shame likely originated at multiple times when, as children, they were neglected by a caregiver or parent. An example of such abuse is in scolding the child for having a need or want. Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.   Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness in a child and low self-esteem and trusting one’s own feelings as an adult.

2. Difficulty Setting or Respecting Boundaries. An external boundary is about our distance to other people and being in the space of others and others are in our space. An internal boundary protects our thinking, feeling, and keeps our behavior functional. Some people call internal boundaries walls.
A person who has no boundaries cannot be aware or sensitive to the boundaries of others.
Codependents demonstrate the boundaries that their parents had.
If the parent’s boundaries were nonexistent,
the children usually do not develop any boundaries.

3. Owning Our Own Reality. Children, who come from dysfunctional families where they are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for their reality, learn that it is not appropriate or safe to express their reality. When these children grow up, they have difficulty as adults experiencing and owning their own reality since it was denied as children.
Thus, these adult codependents may not even recognize their own needs and wants.
They have been taught to be aware and meet the needs and wants of others.

4. Low self esteem. Codependents usually experience difficulty with self-esteem and in one of two different extremes. Either an extreme low self-esteem or the extremes of
feeling superior to others, (you think you are set apart and superior to other people).
A codependent often looks towards other to meet their needs.
Their needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low self-esteem
when having a need or want. Sometimes the need or want
has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.
An example of such abuse is scolding the child for having a need or want.
Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.
Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness
in a child and low self-esteem as an adult.

5. Black and White Thinking. Not knowing how to be moderate
is a visible symptom of codependency.
Codependents think in terms of black and white, good or bad, all or nothing.

Codependent Relationships
Codependency is addiction to a relationship.
A codependent tries so hard to “fix” or “save” someone else
that his/her own life is left in turmoil.
No one can control anyone else-----other people’s troubles
are mostly due to patterns only they can change so trying to change
those leads to one painful disappointment after another!

There are reasons we’re drawn to new relationships in which we try harder to solve our partner’s problems than they do. These patterns are often from having to have grown up with parents or others adults who suffered from alcoholism, other drug addiction, or other addictive disorders or family dysfunction and may echo our childhood relationships with those adults.

Codependent Survival
Moving from little or no esteem to esteeming ourselves in a healthy ways, feels unfamiliar, for we are used to telling ourselves that we are being arrogant, or when we set boundaries that we are being distant. Put more energy into loving yourself than you do into trying to love others. Learning how to love yourself is at the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

Your feelings are o.k., your reaction to them may not be.
Learn to make this distinction. Healthy systems of support will validate your feelings and will offer you guidance on how to constructively deal with your feelings.
Nobody recovers perfectly!
Human beings sometimes make mistakes and have relapses.
Healthy systems of support allow for mistakes and encourage
you to embrace your imperfections in order to learn what you need to learn!

Remember, in the face of all this discomfort that:
You are responsible to you and
your own well-being first,and others second!

This will be against your past learning and training,
but it is important to know that you can care about others
without having to take care of them!

You may need to also feel the anxiety as you make these changes.
You may need to
– just stand the anxiety – as everybody around you is reacting.

Facing Codependency - Pia Melody

Are Women Caretakers of a Relationship?

2/12/2017

In our society, women tend to be the caretakers of relationships. They usually pick up on distance sooner than their lovers, and they are often more in touch with their attachment needs. So in their role in the relationship dance there is more often the woman pursuing, and often is the more blaming spouse.

Men, on the other hand, have been taught to suppress emotional responses and needs, and also to be problem solvers, which sets them up in the withdraw role.

If I appeal to you for emotional connection and you respond intellectually to a problem, rather than directly to me, on an attachment level, I will experience that as "no response."

This is one of the reasons that the research on social support uniformly states that people want "indirect" support, or, emotional confirmation and caring from their partners, rather than advice.

Often men say that they do not know how to respond on an emotional level. But they do!

Men do it when they feel safe, most often with their children. The tragedy here is that a man may be doing his best to answer his wife's concerns by offering advice and solutions, not understanding that what she is really seeking from him is emotional engagement.

His engagement is the solution for her.

The most destructive belief is the belief that a healthy, mature adult is not supposed to need emotional connection and so is not entitled to this kind of caring.

Clients tell me, "I just cannot just tell him that I am feeling small and need his arms around me. I am not a kid," or "I have never asked for that. I don't feel entitled. I shouldn't need that."

If we cannot name and accept our own attachment needs,
sending clear messages to others when those needs are"hot" is impossible.
Ambiguous messages are what keep us stuck.

As partners in a relationship we find that it is so much easier to say, "Why aren't you more talkative? Don't you have anything to say to me?" than to open up and ask that our need for loving connect be met which is vulnerable.

Often times partner admit, "When I feel irrelevant, I criticize back. He rolls his eyes, his tone then becomes contemptuous and I realize my responses don't matter to him. So I criticize him more and he retreats. We are off, and the destructive music plays on!"

Rather they could find an easy answer. Pausing and thinking about the pattern of the dance and
the music playing, "Wait a minute, what is happening here? We are getting caught up in a silly fight and
we are both getting hurt."

This is the first step in stopping the pattern of that destructive dance.
Recognize the music. Change the dance steps.

Intimacy in a Partnership comes from Full Disclosure of the Self

2/10/2017

Intimacy is the two prong process of confronting yourself and self disclosing to your partner.

It isn't just self disclosure.
Disclosing familiar and comfortable parts of yourself doesn't evoke the electricity of self confrontation
and personal growth common to intimate experiences.

Intimacy comes from full disclosure of all parts of self.
Where your partner sees and loves all of you, not just the great parts.

Intimacy also differs from meditation or solitary self reflection.
The interpersonal dimension---particularly the response you anticipate and receive from your partner--is as critical to the process as your telling about what you are about to disclose.

How do icy, silent couples ever break through gridlock and discuss topics only one of them
(or neither one) wants to face? To answer this question it is important to look at two types of intimacy.

Other- validated intimacy involved the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation
or reciprocal disclosure from one's partner.

Self-validated intimacy relies on a person's maintain his or her own sense of identity and self worth when disclosing, with a no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from the partner.

One's level of self validated intimacy is directly related to one's level of differentiation, one's
ability to maintain a clear sens of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness.
Remember, self validated intimacy is the tangible product of one's relationship with oneself.

Taken from, "A Passionate Marriage" - Schnarch

"The Attic of My Past"

2/8/2017

Coming down from the attic of my past, I remember all those critical voices.

Today I have decided I have lived up there in that old musty attic for too long.

Seems to me I have been sorting through a chest of old rags, rags of guilt and shame.

Critical voices of my childhood that kept telling me that I was not 'good enough.'
Keeping those old dusty rags around did keep me sorting through them as I grew.

I listened to those voices for awhile.

The voices of shame that said I must always do more,
I must always be more to be acceptable.

Those voices seemed positioned on my shoulder and spoke in my ear,
as a critical parent, for far too long.

I now know that I get to replace those critical voices.
I have a new voice.
One that reminds me of all the wonderful things I am today.
And, I am enough.

I can pardon myself for being less than perfect.
I can remind myself that no one is perfect.

That inner child, that sorted through the musty rags,
full of shame does not remain.

There is now an adult, smiling,
and held that small child's hand as we descended the stairs of the attic,
together.

And that shame of the past, those musty rags,
are left up in that attic.

I got to shut the attic door firmly behind me.
That if that little one, sometimes forgets.
I remind her, I no longer live in the past.

The sunshine of today, along with the joy of my life.
Are waiting for me.
And I know.
I am enough.

What is Love Addiction?

2/5/2017

An addiction is anything that comes between you and your feelings. Love addiction is the addiction to the person in the relationship, where one is focused on the other party to with hopes they provide all the emptiness and loss inside.
Females have a greater genetic disposition to fall into the state of addicted love. They tend to more readily glorify their partners and see them as their source of happiness. Such women have not worked on their own identity and learned to provide their own sense of personal support and power.

Women are also more likely to be attracted by narcissistic partners and stay while allowing their sense of self to be stripped away, which also leads to the serious state of relationship addiction - often coupled with the effects of severe psychological abuse.

How to Identify If You Are Suffering Relationship Addiction

Your days are based on 'what he / she is doing, saying and thinking'.
You've lost interest in friends and personal goals.
You schedule your life to fit in with his / her life.
You go along with what he / she wants even if you don't agree.
You begin taking on his / her identity and get involved in things you never thought you would.
You often feel anxious, depressed and lost.
Aspects of your life are suffering.
You crave his / her attention, but enough is never enough even if you feel anxious, upset or abused in his / her company.
You're terrified about him / her getting off a phone call or leaving.
If he / she shows any level of disinterest you panic.
Regardless of how you're treated you can't let go.
You admit fault or give in to uncomfortable or unreasonable requests to retain the relationship.
You fear emotional and mental survival if the relationship ends.
You can't stop yourself from contacting him / her.
Your behavior has reached 'out of control' levels.
Obsessive Love is unfinished emotional business.
Addictive love is not healthy love. It's obsession. This is confusing for many people, because they feel it so intensely and think - 'It must be love!'

Individuals who suffer relationship addiction often have unresolved childhood issues creating the intense 'pull' in an unhealthy relationship. Generally the individual is trying to resolve unresolved feelings/wounds by attracting an individual who causes the wounds (such as abandonment, distrust, abuse) and these old wounds are from childhood.

The best outcome is to completely cut off from the relationship and work on old childhood issues.

Substance Abuse is an Attempt at Self Repair.

2/5/2017

Effective addiction treatment requires an alteration in treatment strategy when moving from the first state of treatment which is abstinence to the later stage of treatment which is prevention from relapse.

Substance abusers are unable to to use their feelings as signals and guides
in managing or protecting themselves against the instability and chaos of their internal world.

Addiction treatment is a time dependent process.
Currently most addition treatments are in three step processes which are; 1) achieving sobriety, 2) early recovery or abstinence and 3) advanced or late stage recovery.

1. Since substance abuse is an attempt at self repair, which exacerbates the individual's already impaired capacity for attachment and intimacy, abstinence and detachment from the object of addiction are required before the individual can make an attachment to group or establish a therapeutic alliance.

2. Early treatment strategies require adaptation in technique so the gratification, support, and containment are given priority, because these strategies maximally enhance attachment possibilities.

3. Once abstinence and attachment to the recovery process are established,
deficits in self and character pathology must be modified. An essential part of this stage of treatment requires the client to develop the capacity for conflict resolution in a nondestructive manner while becoming familiar with mature mutuality and the intricacies that define healthy interdependence and intimacy.

Parts of the therapeutic process for the client include:
1) Helping the client explain the past in a way that gives hope for the future.
2) Providing a way for the addict to cope with their anxiety, remorse, and confusion.
3) Help them with a specific behavior -- staying sober and working a 12 step program
that will change their lives in a desired direction.

What evolves is that addicts discover that their alcohol and/or drug use is only a symptom
and their personal and social difficulties are not only the result of their substance abuse.

Deprivation of age-appropriate, developmental needs leaves the substance abuser
constantly searching for something "out there" than can be substituted for what is missing "in here."

What is Emotional Presence in a Relationship?

2/4/2017

Romantic partners can offer a safe haven
to each other in times of need,
and a secure base form which each can explore and develop his or her potential.

When any of us, young or old, has emotional needs,
it is a natural survival strategy
for us to want to turn to one special person,
or a few close others, for support and comfort.

Seeking and maintaining contact with a few irreplaceable others
is a primary motivating force in us all.

Infants who are allowed to be dependent on their caregivers
in their early development are observed to grow up to function
more confidently and independently in the world.

So too, the dependence on a partner that develops
in a secure couple relationship actually
fosters autonomy and self confidence,
leading to interdependence between partners.

From the safe haven and secure base of thee couple's relationship,
two individuals go out into the world feeling stronger, more confident
and better equipped to face the ups and downs of daily life;
this security spills over to benefit their children,
co-workers and community.

Partners typically need or long for
acceptance, closeness, and understanding
and also to feel loved, appreciated, and important.
These needs are normal.
Having these needs met in a healthy and
mutually satisfying way enhances physical and mental health
and overall quality of life of both partners.

Attachment is about safety and survival.
When your attachment needs are not met
in your primary relationship,
it is normal to feel some combination
of fear, uncertainty, or anxiousness.

When you turn to your partner with these feelings
and are greeted with
understanding, compassion and reassurance,
or essentially emotional responsiveness,
you will likely be comforted and feel secure again.

Emotional presence is the "solution" to insecurity.

In Dr. Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight," she captures the essence of
emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E.

A. Accessibility - Can I access your attention, presence and support when I need it? If I reach for you will you be there? Will you be open and receptive to my feelings?
Can I depend on you to make me a priority?

R. Responsiveness - Can I count on you to respond to my cues and needs? Will you tune into me when I need you? Will you empathize with me, express sensitivity and compassion?

E. Engagement - Will you keep me close and cherish me. Will you confide in me? Will you let me close and share your vulnerabilities, doubts, worries? Will your express your affection to me in words and gestures? Will you accept my affection when I give it to you?

And in summary, The question to your partner: Are You There for Me?
Partners give each other support and comfort in a number of ways.
Some examples may include:

Listening when the other is worried.
Being attentive when the other is sick.
Helping practically when the other is tired.
Inquiring about your partner's feelings.
Staying engaged patiently when your partner is confused.
Discussing and debriefing events of the day together.
Expressing concern and/or providing physical comfort

when your partner is sad or hurt.

Answer the question to yourself:
How does my partner give me support, comfort, and encouragement?
Is He/She there for me?

Taken from Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald - Emotionally Focused Workbook