Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

July 31st, 2015

7/31/2015

"So listen with your heart.
That is where your light is,
and your truth."

Letting go of judgments and
releasing negative emotions
provides comfort and a feeling of peace.
As you quietly go within and trust your inner spirit
you will know what is right for you
in that moment.

We Confuse Love with Emotional Fusion

7/27/2015

Jealousy is a form of emotional fusion.
At its most severe, jealousy illustrates our intolerance for boundaries and separateness from those we love. Our desire to possess our partner is inherently frustrated by the immutable fact that we are two fundamentally separate (thought interrelated) people.

You can see emotional fusion in the mayhem we commit in relationships,
in our inability to separate, to leave well enough alone, when we are on the edge.

Emotional fusion is so tenacious, it's borrowed functioning.
Differentiation refers to your core sold self and the level of development you can maintain,
independent of shifting circumstances in your relationship.
You can appear more differentiated than you really are, depending on your marriage's current state.

Borrowed functioning artificially inflates or deflates your functioning.
Your "pseudo self" can be pumped up through emotional fusion,
which makes poorly differentiated people hang onto each other.

Two people in different relationships can appear to function at the same level although they have achieved different levels of differentiation.
The difference is that the better differentiated one will more consistently function well even when the partner isn't being supportive or encouraging.

Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when you partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship.
You value contact, but you don't fall apart when you are alone.

Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Choosing Forgiveness

7/26/2015

Forgiveness is a gentle refusal,
that I don't have to defend against love.

Forgiveness is a willingness
to perceive everyone,
including ourselves,
as either expressing love or feeling a need for love.

When we can see everyone
as expressing love or needing love,
we come from a place of love ourselves.

With this in mind,
if it feels as if someone has harmed us
and we are willing to forgive them,
we will feel love,
not pain or anger.

If I choose today to forgive,
and not hold onto any resentments,
I can let go of all the feelings
that block me from loving.

Permission to be Human

7/25/2015

To have freedom, to be enough,
is to recognize that we are human.
To be human is to be imperfect.
Making the long journey from,
"What will people think?"
to "I am enough,"
is quite a task.

To take that journey means to own our own story.
Develop self compassion,
to create a truth about who we are,
and build a wall against shame.

To claim a truth about who we are and where we come from
is to be honest and willing to give ourselves the same compassion
as we would give a friend.

To be gentler and kinder to ourselves
and see ourselves with loving eyes,
that we are not perfect, that we too, just as we see our friends,
they are human, just as we are too.

Give ourselves a break
and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections.
Self kindness is being warm and understanding towards ourselves
when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate
rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves with self criticism.

Common humanity is
recognizing that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy
are part of the shared human experience,
which is something we ALL go through
rather than something that happens to "me" alone.

Take a balanced approach to negative emotions
so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.
We cannot ignore our pain and
feel compassionate towards it at the same time.

Being mindful is that
we are not over identifying with the negative thoughts that come our way,
and get swept away with them.

Being mindful is that
we notice and allow ourselves to move through our feelings,
not judge them or over exaggerate them.

It is easy to get stuck in regret or shame or self criticism
when a mistake is made.

It is more difficult to provide honest self compassion and forgiveness,
and remember our worthiness.

The core belief that "we are enough"
comes from when we live inside our story.

We can either own our stories
or stand outside of them---
denying our vulnerabilities and imperfections.

Push away the thoughts of who we are 'supposed to be' 
honor ourselves with who we are,
what we want and need
and let go of needing other people's approval
for our worthiness.
Self approval is what is important.

Perfectionism is exhausting,
hustling is exhausting.
Let go and be yourself.

By being ourselves authentically
and honoring ourselves
is living authentic, colorful, and creative lives.

The Critical Voices of Childhood

7/23/2015

Coming down from the attic of my past,
I remember all those critical voices.

Today I have decided I have lived up there
in that old musty attic for too long.

Seems to me I have been sorting through a chest of old rags, rags of guilt and shame.

Critical voices of my childhood that kept
telling me that I was not
'good enough.'
Keeping those old dusty rags around
did keep me sorting through them as I grew.

I listened to those voices for awhile.

The voices of shame that said I must always do more,
I must always be more to be acceptable.

Those voices seemed positioned on my shoulder and spoke in my ear,
as a critical parent,
for far too long.

I now know that I get to replace those critical voices.
I have a new voice.
One that reminds me
of all the wonderful things I am today.
And, I am enough.

I can pardon myself for being less than perfect.
I can remind myself that no one is perfect.

That inner child,
that sorted through the musty rags,
full of shame
does not remain.

There is now an adult, smiling,
and held that small child's hand as
we descended the stairs of the attic,
together.

And that shame of the past, those musty rags,
are left up in that attic.

I got to shut the attic door firmly behind me.
That if that little one, sometimes forgets.
I remind her,
I no longer live in the past.

The sunshine of today,
along with the joy of my life.
Are waiting for me.
And I know.
I am enough.

Intimacy Challenges Your Sense of Self

7/23/2015

Intimacy occurs at different levels
of meaningfulness and intensity.
It may start with self disclosure of unimportant or impersonal facts.

As the importance of what we are disclosing increases,
intimacy becomes more meaningful
---and anxiety provoking.

How important the listener is to our lives has a similar impact:
the more important the audience,
the more intimate the encounter seems.

Intimacy challenges your sense of self.
Profound adult intimacy isn't like "mother's milk."
---it's the last thing we want when we feel insecure
and, ironically the first thing we seek.
Intimacy is no refuge when
couples are emotionally worn out and hungry.

It is inevitable and necessary that intimacy occur
without trust and affirmation from your partner.

Other-validated intimacy is nice when you can get it.
When you cannot,
you can attempt to rise to the occasion
and validate yourself.

Trying --- and succeeding ---
to validate yourself when your partner doesn't validate you
isn't as improbable as it might seem.

Intimacy involves your relationship with yourself
as well as your relationship with your partner.
If you are strong enough (sufficiently differentiated)
to master your own anxieties
and maintain your position,
you will feel better about yourself.

This is self-validated intimacy
which is part of the process in increasing your differentiation.

In other words, it's a circular process,
differentiation is both the basis for,
and result of, self-validated intimacy.

Self-validated intimacy
is the means to two ends:
Becoming more of a person
and developing a
more resilient relationship.

Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch, Ph.D.

This Moment

7/13/2015

Yesterday has gone.
Tomorrow may never come.
There is only today.
And the miracle of this moment.
Savor it.
This moment is a gift.

Everyone Gets Anxious

7/11/2015

Anxiety can flow from one person to another to the next.
In poorly differentiated families when one person gets anxious,
everyone gets anxious.

Anxiety will become like a virus
and what we glorify as giving empathy
is nothing more than infection,
the anxiety grows.

Emotional fusion in families transmits anxiety.

"When Mom or Dad is unhappy, everyone's unhappy."
Poorly differentiated people and families
can appear to function well as long as their anxiety
stays within a range they can handle.

When stressed beyond their limits,
people and families take on each others anxiety.

The result is that one feels compelled to reduce each others anxieties
and avoid triggering new ones.

Differentiated people
can modulate

their thoughts and emotions

when their anxiety start to run wild,

and have their judgment prevail.

Differentiation is the ability to soothe your own anxiety
and to resist being infected with other people's anxiety.

Differentiated people
can choose
to have feelings and intuitions
in an effective way that fits their goals.
Or they can act on reason and intellect.
The point is
they have a choice.
That is the difference between
having feeling vs your feelings "having you" --
or being run by your emotions.
When you can modulate our anxiety
you are neither driven by your feelings
nor afraid of them,
and you do not need to use your intellect all the time
because you are not stifling your feelings.

The goal is
maintaining
connection with people you love
without taking on their anxiety.

Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch

Letting Go

7/5/2015

Patience is needed in the process of letting go.
Sometimes it seems as though nothing is happening when we try.
This is hard, for human beings often look for quick results.

However, if we learn to pause,
we can let go.
If we learn to observe the small openings along the way,
with practice,
we can let go and relax into any moment.

We can relax into a moment and notice stillness and compassion.
We can begin to trust there are moments of well being.

Yet we know how to let go.
We know how to do this.
We love to let go the world at night when we go to sleep.
Letting go and having a good night's sleep is delicious.
Letting go while we are awake is delicious too.
Letting go of clinging to the changing conditions of life,
We free ourselves.

Letting go does not mean losing the knowledge we have gained from the past.
The knowledge of the past stays with us.
To let go is simply to release
any images and emotions, grudges and fears, clingings
and disappointments that bind our spirit.

Like emptying a cup, letting go leaves us free to receive,
to be refreshed, sensitive and awake.

To practice letting go, let yourself sit comfortably and quietly
and bring an attention to your body and your breath.
Relax for a few minutes.

Bring your attention into the awareness
of any story, situation, feelings, that it is time to let go of.
Name them gently, betrayal, sadness, anxiety
and allow them the space to be present.

Allow them to float without resistance.
Feel the unhappiness that comes from holding on.
Continue to breathe.
Ask yourself, "Do I want to continue to hold onto this story?"
The heart will know.
Ask yourself if it is indeed wise to release this holding.
Feel the benefit, the ease that will come from this letting go.

Now begin to say to yourself,
"Let go. Let go."
gently
over and over again.

Soften the body and heart and
let any feelings that arise drain out of you
like water draining out of a cup.
Let the images go, the beliefs,
the self righteousness, the unworthiness.
Let it all go.
Feel the space that comes as you let go,
how the heart releases and the body opens.

Direct the mind to the vision the future brings
where this circumstance has been released.
Sense the freedom, the innocence,
the case that this letting go can bring.

Tell yourself again softly,
"Let go, breathe softly,"
and say kindly.
"I've let you go."

The images and feelings may come back to you many times,
however as you continue to practice,
they will eventually fade.
Gradually the mind will trust the space of letting go.
Gradually the heart will be easy and you will be free.

The Wise Heart ~ Jack Kornfield