Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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Self Esteem Basics

10/31/2016

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Self Esteem Basics
By May Bleeker

When you have high self esteem you choose things
that support and enhance your life,


and try to minimize things that ultimately
harm you or degrade your well-being.

The way you take care of yourself
reflects the way that you value yourself.


The simple act of choosing the things
that support your health and well being is
an expression of your self esteem.

I think of these things as self esteem basics.
 

For everyday health and well-being
you need the following:


Fresh Air
Your body needs deep, regular breathing of fresh air.
Exercise helps for this!
Stress causes a tightening of the diaphragm and shallower breathes.
For good health both physically, mentally and emotionally
you need to be able to breathe deeply.
To have the capacity to expand and grow and use your creativity,
you need oxygen to the brain!
Lack of exercise is one way of starving yourself of a good dose of fresh air.
But so is tension.

 Look beyond the obvious to where
you might be crimping your breathing style. 
Since air is necessary for life,
its a self esteem basic.


Pure Water
Your body doesn't appreciate droughts and floods any more than plants do.
A regular, steady supply of fresh, clean water is what it needs.
So its better to sip water throughout the day
rather than drinking nothing for hours and then gulping down large amounts all in one go.

Drink the best water you can.
Preferably filtered.
Or even boiled, cooled and filtered.
Preferably also not water that was stored for ages in a plastic bottle.
Some people believe that water holds information, a
nd can be 'programmed' in effect.

Dr Mesaru Emoto did several experiments
that appeared to show that prayers, kind words, music and other factors
could affect water
(as seen in changes in the symmetry
and shape of frozen water crystals made from this water).


And since it has been found that prayer is not wishful thinking
(it has a provable, if currently inexplicable effect),
and music influences our health,
I feel it can do no harm to think kind thoughts towards water.
If you send your loving thoughts out into the oceans, rivers,
aqueducts and streams,

perhaps the effect of these words will return to you in unexpected ways :)
I love the idea of being rained on by blessings from around the world.
We cannot survive without water,
so its a self esteem basic.


Sunlight
I love the feel of the sun on my head.

When I was a kid one of my favorite things to do
was sit on this green fold up mattress
that transmogrified into a big squishy chair,
book in hand,
with the afternoon sun slanting in through the window.
It would press on my head as it if had weight
and this made me feel happy.

As an adult I work indoors most of the time.
Even when its a great day out I sometimes 'forget' to go out there.
At least 15 minutes of sunlight on your skin and closed eyelids
is needed every day to ensure your body makes enough Vitamin D.
Even on a cloudy day you can stand outside
and let the light fall on your closed eyelids.


People who don't get enough sunlight develop a condition
called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
They feel down and depressed and lose interest in life,
but its caused by what a lack of sunlight does to your body.
Since your body and mind are one -
what happens to your body affects the whole of you, and vice versa.

Adequate amounts of vitamin D
are only produced in the skin
after 10 - 15 minutes of sun exposure,

at least two times per week
(with skin unprotected by sunscreen).

In very smoggy cities or latitudes close to the poles
more exposure may be needed to get what you need.
Of course you don't want to overdo it either,
but its a good idea to feel the sun on your eyelids at least once a day.

The sun shares its energy to give life to everything on this planet.
Its a self esteem basic.

Good, Regular Nutrition. 

As I said above - what happens to your body affects you as a whole.
If you want to make a change in your life you can start
with ideas, feelings and beliefs,
or you can start with the body -
each affects the other.

Just as your body needs a steady supply of water,
it also needs a regular, steady supply of nutrients.

Missed meals, sugar-rich snacks or junk food might fill the gap,
but don't supply what your body needs.

When you fill up on empty calories
your body stays 'hungry' for the vitamins and minerals it needs
A small amount of something healthy every meal is better than a few days of junk food,
followed by a few days of super healthy eating.

It took years to discover what my body needs to feel healthy.
I found not only physical health benefits and losing weight,
but also mental health benefits.
I had no idea eating sugar
could cause me such mood swings!


Now that I know what isn't food for me
even the supermarket aisles look different.
I can see lines and lines of 'stuff' that just isn't food (for me).
Learning to distinguish what is and isn't food for your body
is a powerful way to look after your mental state
as well as your physical well being.
Its a self esteem basic.

Sleep

Your body is part of nature and it likes rhythm.
Part of that rhythm is your sleep and awake states.
Like day and night.
For optimal wakefulness, you need periods of rest.
In sleep deprivation experiments people developed
hallucinations, delirium and dementia-like confusion
when severely sleep-starved.
To be healthy, you need sleep. 
Find a sleep pattern that works for you
and protect it from outside demands.
Allow yourself a good daily dose of this
self esteem basic.


Deep Rest
Aside from sleeping,
there is a way to find even a deeper level of rest.
Deep rest is what you find in meditation
or activities that allow you to feel connected and internally alert,
but still.

Some people experience it while
practicing yoga, tai chi, qi gong or
other physical activities that have a spiritual focus.
Others report getting into 'the zone'
while painting or drawing, or during sports like surfing,
base-jumping, extreme skiing, or even golf,
where the attention becomes focused into one point
and actions feel clear, simple and natural in how they unfold.

Whatever method you choose, this type of 'rest' is different
to what is achieved through a good night's sleep.
It rejuvenates you in a special way that gives you extra resources
needed for personal growth and creativity.
While some people get by without it,
others experience the very real benefits that deep rest provides.
Like all the others it is optional, 
this is a self esteem basic.

Relationships
We all need to feel connected and loved.
We want to feel seen, heard, and acknowledged.
Relationships are important, even the one's that feel difficult
(don't they all sometimes feel difficult?).
We see ourselves through the mirrors that others present to us.
We learn about ourselves, through interacting with others.

What we see in others, we reinforce in ourselves. 
- A Course In Miracles


People who have a strong relationship base,
whether through family or friends, church or social groups,
fair better when faced with the difficulties of life. 


When we feel lonely and disconnected, our health suffers too.

Nurture the relationships you have
(even the crappy one's - how can you make them better?
What can you see in the other person, that is positive?).
Be willing to take a risk to make new friends,
but also to keep old one's close.

Its a self esteem basic.




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The Laws of Romantic Bonding

10/30/2016

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The adult attachment perspective gives us 5 principles –
laws of romantic bonding:


1. Bonding with a trusted other is a compelling drive wired
into the mammalian brain by millions of years of evolution.
This is all about survival.


This little girl was born expecting loving hands to be there – our nervous system
is designed to connect with others. We never outgrow this. We know in our bones –
if we call and no one comes we are 'oh so vulnerable.'


Love – infant or adult –is an ancient wired-in survival code
(not a psychotic mixture of sex and sentiment that we can take or leave).

2. Loving connection offers us a safe haven to go to
where we can maintain our emotional balance, deal optimally with stress,
be flexible and move in any direction – and a secure base to go out from to effectively explore
and discover our world.

Knowing someone has your back, that you are not alone,
grows the ability to be independent –
and to be curious about your inner and outer world.


3. When we lose this sense of connection with a loved one we experience emotional isolation, loneliness, panic, pain and helplessness.
This distress can heighten or it can crowd out other concerns –like sexuality.

4. We now know the key elements that define an attachment bond
the perceived Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement
we have with loved ones  (as in
“ARE you there for me?”).
Responsiveness shapes bonds.


These 4 laws tell us what is normal in love–
they offer us a map for love and loving.
Law 5 tells us about differences in how we see
and set up bonding relationships.


5. Secure connection with a responsive loved one promotes
healthy development and functioning including a positive coherent sense of self
and attunement to others.

Whereas insecure connection – anxious or preoccupied bonding and dismissing or
avoidant bonding
constrains us – limits our growth.

These labels, secure, anxious and avoidant simply describe
a partner’s habitual ways of dealing with emotion and responding in intimate situations.

Anxiously attached, fired up nervous systems are tuned to cues of rejection and abandonment, these partners seek ongoing intense connection for reassurance, and they also have a hard time trusting and taking in this reassurance.

To avoid the pain of expected rejection, avoidant partners tend to numb out, stifle their longings and reject support from others. They shut down and shut their partners out, especially in situations where closeness is called for or vulnerability comes up.

Regardless of the style of connection, partners can find the means to communicate their individual needs within a relationship and find the connection they seek.  Remembering the cue that your partner may be asking for,
"Are you there for me?" which asks for that security within the relationship.

 



Dr. Sue Johnson - Hold Me Tight

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Ten Core Principles of Recovery from Addiction

10/26/2016

 
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Ten Core Recovery Principles
of Recovery from Addiction.

At a 2004 National Consensus Conference
Mental Health Recovery &
Mental Health Systems Transformation
convened by SAMHSA,
patients, health-care professionals, researchers and others
agreed on

10 core principles as a recovery orientation:


1. Self-direction: Consumers determine
their own path to recovery.


2. Individualized and person-centered:
There are multiple pathways to recovery based
on individuals’ unique strengths, needs,
preferences,

experiences and cultural backgrounds.


3.Empowerment: Consumers can choose
among options and participate

in all decisions that affect them.


4. Holistic: Recovery focuses on people’s entire lives,
including

mind, body, spirit and community.

5. Nonlinear: Recovery isn’t a step-by-step process
but one based on continual growth,
occasional setbacks and

learning from experience.


6. Strengths-based: Recovery builds on
people’s strengths.

7. Peer support: Mutual support plays an
invaluable role in recovery.

8. Respect: Acceptance and appreciation
by society, communities,
systems of care and
consumers themselves

are crucial to recovery.

9. Responsibility:
Consumers are responsible for their
own self-care

and journeys of recovery.


10. Hope: Recovery’s central,
motivating message
is a better future --

that people can and do overcome obstacles.






Provided by SAMSA


Listen.

10/22/2016

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It is essential to stop and listen
to the whispers of the universe,

through it's many different voices
  it is conveying.
 
The voice of courage,
The voice of a new future,
The voice of our greatness

will sneak in
when all the activity
of the mind
stops.
 

Sometimes our minds
cannot take us where

our hearts long to go.

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Some Ideas About Forgiveness.

10/16/2016

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The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger,
hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of
hope, peace, compassion and self confidence.
Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships
as well as physical health.
It also influences our attitude

which opens the heart to
kindness, beauty, and love.


Know exactly how you feel about what happened
and be able to articulate what

about the situation is not OK.


Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

Make a commitment to yourself
to do what you have to do to feel better.

Forgiveness is for you
and
not for anyone else.


Forgiveness does not necessarily
mean reconciliation
with the person that hurt you,
or condoning of their action.

What you are after is
to find peace. 
                 

Forgiveness can be defined as the

“peace and understanding that come from blaming
that which has hurt you less,
taking the life experience less personally,
and changing your grievance story.”


Get the right perspective
on what is happening.

Recognize that your primary distress is coming from
the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical
upset you are suffering now,   
two minutes or ten years ago,
                                                                                                                   
                                    
Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

At the moment you feel upset
practice a simple stress management technique
to soothe your body’s
flight or fight response.


Give up expecting things from other people,
or your life,

that they do not choose to give you.
Recognize the “unenforceable rules”
you have for your health or
how you or other people must behave.
Remind yourself that you can hope
for health, love, peace and prosperity
and work hard to get them.

Put your energy into looking for
another way to get your positive goals met

than through the experience that has hurt you.
Instead of mentally replaying your hurt
seek out new ways to get what you want.


Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings,
and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you,
learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
Forgiveness is about personal power.

Amend your grievance story to remind
you of the heroic choice

to forgive.

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I am Sober from Drugs & Alcohol, So What is Emotional Sobriety?

10/8/2016

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Is sobriety from drugs and/or alcohol about compliance alone? 
Or is it about learning how to be alive and live life deeply
rather than only on the surface? 
Addicts agree, that the familiar escape
of 'run and numb'
is exactly that,
numbing emotions. 
What happens when the individual becomes sober
and wishes to move past compliance alone? 
Emotions become real. 
Identifying emotions early in sobriety is challenging for the recovering addict
who knows black and white, all or nothing thinking and feeling,
joy or pain or numb. 
Learning about emotions,
realizing they are only a part of us
and feeling them
lead us to emotional sobriety.
Learning to identify emotions, all of them, the shades of gray
between the black and white feelings are a skill that can be learned. 
Identifying and clarifying emotions and feeling them
lead us back to being whole, living deeply, acceptance and peace.

What is Emotional Sobriety?
•  Emotional sobriety is about finding and maintaining our emotional equilibrium.

•  Emotional sobriety is tied up in our ability to self regulate .


To bring ourselves into balance
when we fall out of it.


•  Balance is that place where our thinking,
feeling and behavior are reasonably congruent;
where we operate in an integrated flow.

•  When our emotions are out of control,
so is our thinking.


•  When we can’t bring our feeling and thinking into some sort of balance,
our life and our relationships show it.


•  Emotions impact our thinking more than
our thinking impacts our emotions.
Our limbic system,
which is where we experience
and process emotion,

actually sends more inputs to
the thinking part of our brain, i.e. the cortex, than the opposite.

•  The essence of Emotional Sobriety is good self regulation.
Self regulation means that
we have mastered those skills that allow us to balance our moods,
our nervous systems, our appetites, our sexual drive, our sleep.

We have learned how to tolerate
our intense emotions

without acting out in dysfunctional ways,
clamping down or foreclosing on our feeling world or self medicating.

•  Addiction and compulsive, unregulated behaviors
reflect a lack of good self regulation.

•  To maintain our emotional equilibrium,
we need to be able to use our thinking mind
to decode and understand our feeling mind.
That is,
we need to feel our feelings and
then use our thinking to

make sense and meaning
out of them.



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Living Wholeheartedly.

10/5/2016

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Living Wholeheartedly.

1. Cultivate Authenticity:
Letting go of what people think.


2. Cultivate self-compassion. 
Letting go of perfectionism.


3.  Cultivate a resilient spirit. 
Letting go of numbing and powerlessness.


4.  Cultivate Gratitude and joy. 
Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.


5.  Cultivate intuition and trusting. Faith. 
Letting go of the need for certainty.


6.  Cultivate creativity. 
Letting go comparison.


7.  Cultivating play and rest. 
Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol
and productivity as self worth.


8.  Cultivating calm and stillness. 
Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.


9.  Cultivating meaningful work. 
Letting go of self doubt and
"supposed to."

10.  Cultivating laughter, song, and dance. 
Letting go of being cool and
"always in control."


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How Depression, Anxiety, & Anger Relate to Alcoholism & Drug Addiction.

10/4/2016

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Dealing with Difficult Emotions

Emotions are the feelings that we experience every day
– happiness, sadness, relief, anger, joy, and fear. 

Many addicts often turn to their drug of choice to enhance their pleasant emotions
and cope or rather not cope with the painful ones. 

Once in recovery,
addicts find themselves out of practice in dealing with difficult emotions;

they may have trouble even naming the emotions they feel. 
Instead of identifying the feeling as an every day, “normal” emotion,
addicts often interpret it as a craving to drink or use.


Depression, anxiety, and anger are all natural,
and even healthy, reactions to life’s challenges. 

However, for alcoholics and addicts,
they are also a leading cause for relapse. 
Learning to deal with and manage these difficult emotions is one of the
key strategies to sustaining a long-term, satisfying recovery.

Managing Depression
 1.  Increase your awareness.
  • Pay attention to mood changes.
  • Own your feelings.
  • Be alert to your body language.
  • Label your avoidance.
  • Watch for times when your confidence disappears.
  • Look for activities that take great effort.
  • Become aware of times when you have trouble concentrating or making decision.
  • Ask for help.
 2.  Change your way of thinking about yourself and the world.
 3.  Use problem-solving techniques.
 4.  Change your activity level.
 5.  Make a plan.
  • Become task-oriented.
  • Stick with the plan, but stay flexible.
  • Schedule activities in half-hour to one-hour increments.
  • Don’t get too specific or too general.
  • Plan for quantity, not quality.
  • Pat yourself on the back.
 6.  Interact with others.
 7.  Be optimistic yet realistic. 


Breaking the Anxiety Cycle
Whether working with a therapist or on your own,
you can take steps to break the anxiety cycle by doing the following:


 1.  Increase your awareness of what’s causing your anxiety.
  • Keep a journal.
  • Write in your journal several times a day.
  • Assess the control factor.     
 2.  Challenge and change negative thinking. 
Identify a mal-adaptive belief.  Challenge that belief.

 3.  Manage stress.
  • Exercise.
  • Practice relaxation techniques.
  • Simplify your life.
  • Take care of your body.
  • Utilize your support system.
  • Enjoy yourself!
  • Ask for help.
Anger Management
The four major techniques that help manage anger are:
 1.  Change your thinking about the situation.
  • Keep a journal.
  • Write in your journal several times a day.
  • Assess the control factor.
 2.  Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.
 3.  Ask yourself if your thoughts are accurate,
find evidence as to if they are accurate or not.
4. Pause, think, feel, breathe, then behave.
Ask for help.


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    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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