Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Spellbound

1/31/2015

At the very beginning of love there is infatuation and obsession.
We tend to think that this is strictly the result of sexual desire.
And, right from the beginning, there is also emotional yearning.

Indeed, as psychologist Paul Eastwick of the University of Texas, Austin, observes,
passion is best defined as a combination of sexual connection and attachment longing.

A budding relationship is fraught with tension and anxiety.
We whisper to ourselves, "Does this person want me? Am I going to be rejected?"
The longing and apprehension push us to take risks, to reach out and move closer.
Our anxiety is soothed as we get positive responses form this person and gradually he or she becomes what John Bowlby, attachment theorist, called "irreplacable."

The process of feeling anxious and vulnerable and finding that another can and will respond is the basic building block of love.

In movies, protagonists often dislike each other at first sight, but once they slay a few dragons together and discover solace and protection in each other, they realize that they are in love.

Psychologist Lan Beckes of the University of Virginia, Charlottesville, has found that, indeed, any kind of treat automatically turns on the attachment system. This calls up our need for comfort and making others who are potential sources of this comfort more attractive.

Beckes assessed 49 students on their level of attachment security and then asked them to view on a computer screen brief clips of four smiling faces of men and women that were paired with subliminally flashed pictures of either neutral objects like a rolling pin, or disturbing images such as a striking snake. Then students were instructed to press a key if the letter that flashed on the screen made up a word.

Researchers found that the students were much more likely to recognize attachment-associated words, such as nurture, comfort, and trust just after they saw the snake image. In addition, those who were assessed as insecure attachment styles were better at identifying
such words as rejection and vulnerable.
Students also rated the picture of faces as more attractive, warm, and likable after the scary images.

Anxiety and threat automatically call up the need for comfort and prime us to find security in another.
If someone is there at a vulnerable moment, we begin to bond,
and every risk we face together thereafter strengthens the sense of connection.

Sue Johson ~ Love Sense

Learning to Surrender

1/30/2015

I have a frightened four year old inside who fears that relinquishing control
means the world will fall apart.
It was difficult to "let go" in a home
where spontaneity brought criticism and violence.

As an adult, I realize that my attempts to control
have resulted in incessant struggle and frustration.
Today I will consider what it would be like if I
gradually give up my hyper-vigilant effort
to dominate life.

If I relinquish control of most things in my life,
my world will not fall apart.
A river has powerful currents that pull and tug.
A leaf in the river survives by going with the flow,
not trying to control it.
I can be safe and happy
without trying to maintain rigid control
over the world around me.

Joy is the Natural Result of Gentleness.

1/29/2015

Joy is the inevitable result of gentleness. The open hands of gentleness are always filled.
Joy is the natural result of gentleness,
and gentleness means that fear has subsided.

What could possibly interfere with joy?
Joy is the simple result of choosing to follow the path of gentleness.
The gentle receive what they offer.
For this reason they know joy.

Joy is an extension of gentleness based in the whole mind, just as grief is an extension of the ego mind. We are often choosing which of these cycles we prefer.
Joy is a very simple experience,
therefore it has a difficult time surviving in a complicated society.

We have to be alive in the moment in order to experience joy. Unfortunately many of us have become numbed, deadened, and preoccupied with the past and the future. We believe that we must expose ourselves to endless stimuli and entertainment in order to have what are only fleeting moments of pseduo-joy.

Joy comes from being gentle and tender in our approach to life. This requires a certain amount of sensitivity. Unfortunately many of us were raised in homes that discouraged sensitivity and encouraged guardedness.

Ideally, to become sensitive, we need some close direction during our childhood years, some healthy guidance on how to live. Many of us did not receive this. Our direction often came from television and other forms of media. True sensitivity is developed in children who receive unconditional love and encouragement to explore both the world and themselves.

When we were shamed as children---made to feel that who we are is bad---we begin to withdraw from the world. We may not look like we have removed ourselves. We may be very active in the world, but we have become internally removed and guarded.
With shame we lose the ability to be sensitive.
Joy becomes impossible.

The good news is that it is never too late to become sensitive.
Many of us equate the word sensitive to vulnerability and pain and negative experiences. It is important for you to decide what sensitivity is, and if becoming more sensitive is important to you. Observe and think about those who seem to just live on the planet but do not have any real joy or purpose. Isn't the difference between these two sets of people their ability or inability to be sensitive, to be gentle and tender? Haven't we seen how the joyous are able to reach out, unguarded and without fear? Lack of sensitivity deadens us while we are alive.

For those who may have been shamed as a child,
give the child within you the permission to explore the world.

If you happen to have a child, let them be your teacher. Roll on the grass with them. Smell the smells and listen to the sounds. Go to the beach without a book, and really be at the beach. Go on a walk without a thousand thoughts in your head.
Let yourself live life!

The Art of Trust ~ Jampolsky

Feel Good Today

1/28/2015

"Consciousness is
like a river,
and your
whole self...
including every cell
of your body,
is continuously
being fed by it...

Just as your body lives
by the flow of blood
that carries
the substance of food
in every cell, so is your whole self being sustained
through the substance of thought
emanating from the flow of consciousness." Ramtha
~ ~ ~ ~

Take a moment and think of someone you love.
FEEL that thought with your entire body.
Take a moment to remember a time when you felt hurt.
FEEL that with your entire body.
FEEL the difference.
Know that you are choice.
Today I choose to FEEL good.

Only a Scant Veil Covering the Light of Love, Take a Look Inside

1/27/2015

The Ego Mind builds a haunted house
full of ghosts, demons, and darkness in hopes that
we will never look within. When we do look within
it is as if the lights were turned on in a
carnival's haunted house. We then clearly see
the cardboard the demon is cut from,
and the wire attached to the ghost.
We laugh at what only a moment ago
seemed so real.

The fear of looking within ourselves is very common.
Yet, in my practice, I have witnessed countless
courageous people confront and move beyond fear.
Listening to the Ego Mind, we become afraid to look within. We firmly believe that what we would find would be grotesque, beyond the possibility of healing.

Because of this we displace our guilt and shame onto others,
unconsciously believing that we are getting rid of it.
The key word is believe.

It is only our belief in shame and guilt that gives them any power.
The Ego Mind thinks that it is quite appropriate to fear shame and guilt, whereas the Whole Mind
see them as only a scant veil covering the light of love.

The Whole Mind, which is true perception, never teaches us that we are shameful or guilty. When we finally decide to listen to the soft and gentle voice of the Whole Mind, we begin to relinquish fear. Deciding to look within, however, is a fearful thought to the mind that still listens to the ego, because we are afraid to see the ugliness that we believe is there.

In the Ego Mind, fear and shame fit together perfectly.
For this reason we always seem to fear looking at our shame.

The backbone of the ego-based existence is:
"Have faith in shame and guilt and be afraid to look at them."
Loudly the ego shouts at us that we dare not look within.
For if we do, the despair that we may feel will be so overwhelming we will not survive.
Yet it is difficult to relinquish that which we will not look at.
And so, through the use of fear, the Ego Mind stays intact.

The ego mind is most afraid of having us ask these questions:

What if there is really no shame at all?

What if guilt is not there?

What if I looked within and saw love and

wholeness where I thought shame
existed?

Your simple interest in reading this indicated you have already begun to question the thought system of the ego. And by contemplating the questions above, the ego begins to have less of a hold on you.
You are starting to see that those who truly have peace of mind are those who no longer see their identify as tied to the ego.
You are no longer entirely unwilling to look within.
This is the most important step you will take in your personal development.

During the period of relinquishment of guilt and shame, we take this partial liberation and make it more complete. We can begin to release the insane beliefs that the ego has told us are true.
A window shade needs only to be lifted in order for the sun to come steaming through.
Similarly, we only need to relinquish the guilt, fear, and shame that show our love for life to enter our lives. The result is trust, for trust is a facet of love.

Personal freedom is when I am not afraid to look within myself.

The Art of Trust ~ Lee Jampolsky

Desire Motivates the Adult, Desperation Motivates the Child.

1/25/2015

People frequently evaluate behavior as mature or immature. Who has had the experience of labeling someone's behavior, "like a child" or himself or herself being so labeled as such?

The external behavior alone does not necessarily reveal whether it is the Adult or the Child in action. Rather, the motivation behind the behavior determines the state.

Desire motivates the Adult.
Desperation motivates the Child.
This is a crucial distinction.

Certainly both feelings can coexist, in which case it is important to recognize which state predominates.

Take, for example, a couple engaging in a sexual relationship. There may be desire on one or both partners' parts. However, if the woman participates primarily out of fear that she will not otherwise be liked or accepted or the man operates out of concern that he must avoid being seen as inadequate,
it is now desperation that motivates their behavior rather than desire.

The Child surfaces.

Action based on desperation never change's the Child's underlying sense of self.
The action serves only to delay any dreaded judgement until another day.
"I know I have three strikes against me before I even get to bat.
If I hit a home run and the crowd cheers, it was just a fluke,
and I fooled everyone--until I come up to bat again."

Whatever the external success may be, action motivated by desperation count solely as temporarily evading the "fraud squad."

Only in the Adult state, "I know I am o.k." can gratification come from a positive action and be meaningfully incorporated.

Think of how often we have difficulty simply saying "thank you" to a compliment, because it evokes some residual Child feeling of unworthiness.

If the pull from the past becomes greater than the pull of the strength of the present, we regress to an earlier state.

In other words, when the Child states rules the Adult,
we operate as if we were living in the past and not the present.

The importance of appreciating that we always have choices, even if what we choose is inevitable, the awareness of choice is the antidote to the corrosive perception of helplessness.

Choice obviates Child.

Breaking Free ~ Kardener & Kardener

Our Self-Worth is Not Dependent on Being Right

1/24/2015

The philosophy of "No Challenge" reflects the ability to see when my mind is using comparison as a means of determining self worth. Comparison usually leads to either engaging in competition to "prove" superiority, or in withdrawing emotionally or physically and believing that I am inferior.
Both originate in and reinforce low self worth.

The concept of No Challenge recognizes the worth in each individual. From this stance, the individual may begin to join with others.
Joining does not mean that I have to like someone's behavior.
Iit simply means not seeing myself as superior or inferior.

The ego only sees two modes: inferiority or superiority and,
to have peace of mind, it is impossible for either to exist.

I have thought superiority would make me powerful, I was mistaken!
Superiority brings isolation and guardedness.

The ego deals in absolutes. I am either good or bad. I am right or wrong.
I am either "better than" or "worse than".
I am smart or stupid.
I am good looking or ugly.

When growing up in emotionally inconsistent or abusive homes, such as an addicts or alcoholic home, we come to believe that this polarized thinking will create safety for us.
Because the ego deals in absolutes, we are either instigating or defensively and negatively responding to a challenge.

In No Challenge, the emphasis is on knowing ourselves and trusting what we know. We do not need to become defensive.
False accusations or provocation only have the power that we give to them.
No Challenge says,
"Know the truth, and respond only to it. Don't see what is not there."

Furthermore, No Challenge incorporates the idea that our self-respect
is not dependent upon defeating another.

Nor is self-worth dependent on our making sure that everybody see us as being right.

The ego always sees the self as being threatened and in need of defense. The ego challenges others in order to validate itself. But the truth is, we ourselves need no defense because the self is love, and love needs no defense.

The core of No Challenge is:
Love is who I am.
Love is lost in challenge.
Love needs no defense.

When we know this to be true, we trust ourselves.
When we trust ourselves there is never any need to challenge another,
nor is there ever any need to become defensive and attacking.

With No Challenge, we walk in a peaceful path.

The Art of Trust ~ Lee Jampolsky, Ph.D.

Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living

1/23/2015

What do people who are the most resilient to shame, who believe in their worthiness have in common?
Author Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, says,

"To be wholehearted, and engage with the world is from a sense of worthiness."

Dr. Brown goes on to define ten guideposts for wholehearted living:

1. Cultivate Authenticity: Letting go of what people think.

2. Cultivate self-compassion. Letting go of perfectionism.

3. Cultivate a resilient spirit. Letting go of numbing and powerlessness.

4. Cultivate Gratitude and joy. Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.

5. Cultivate intuition and trusting. Faith. Letting go of the need for certainty.

6. Cultivate creativity. Letting go comparison.

7. Cultivating play and rest. Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth.

8. Cultivating calm and stillness. Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

9. Cultivating meaningful work. Letting go of self doubt and "supposed to."

10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance. Letting go of being cool and "always in control."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly. 2012

Cell Phones ~ An Illusion of Connection?

1/22/2015

Even as
we
understand
how relational we truly are
as human beings,
the
basic currency of
social connection--
is
becoming marginalized.

I was recently in a small neighborhood restaurant in Naples, Italy.
I watched a large family claim a table that waiters had scurried to set up. At one end sat the elderly parterfamilias with his four sons and their wives, at the other, nine children.

I settled in to watch the rich circus of Latin family life.
And indeed, there was much laughing hugging arguing and remonstrating--
but only at the adult end of the table.
The other end was totally silent.

Eight of the children sat engrossed by the small electronic screens they held a few inches from their noses. Not for one moment did they ever speak or look at each other or at the adults, and they completely ignored the only child without an electronic device. Eventually this boy began to bellow in protest and was comforted by his mother, who turned his chair to face the adult group.
In spite of the warm Mediterranean night, I was chilled.

Pamela Eyring, Director of the Protocal School of Washington, which teaches social manners to corporate and government clients has identified four stages:
confusion, discomfort, irritation, and, finally outrage --
of what she terms as "Blackberry Abandonment."
This is the feeling a person suffers when trying to connect with a devotee of the electronic gadget.

She adds that since personal and business relationship rely on making others feel valued, devices such as the iphone put these relationships at risk. She calls an obsession with iPhones "cell-fishness." This is about more than an issue of etiquette or a lack of consideration for others.

A survey by the consumer electronics review site Retevo.com found that 10 percent of the people under the age of twenty-five do not see anything wrong with texting during sex!

Some say that all our electronic gadgetry is keeping us more connected. But while sharing information on a screen has its uses, it is a shallow connection, not the deep emotional engagement needed for any kind of meaningful relationship.

Texting and emails are set up for volume, velocity and multitasking-- that is, the splitting of attention.
They create an illusion of connection.

The danger is that they also set up a new way of relating in which we are continually in touch but emotionally detached.

Is technology "defining relationships down?"

From the book Love Sense ~ Dr. Sue Johnson

Couples, Moving from Antagonism into Harmony

1/21/2015

What does happen when couples couples have real exchanges -- when real connections begin to form and couples move from antagonism into harmony?

What are specific responses in intimate exchanges make for tender loving bonds between adults?

Quoting psychologists, Linda Roberts and Danielle Greenberg of The University of Wisconsin,
"A typology of conflict...but no road maps for positive intimate behavior."

Based on years of watching couples reconnect in therapy that deliberately builds bonds, author and couples specialist, Dr. Sue Johnson offers us her solutions. Dr. Johnson calls the intimate interactions, "Hold Me Tight"
conversations and offers some guidelines towards communication.

Tune in to and stay with their own softer emotions and hold on to the hope of potential connection with the loved one.

Regulate their emotions so they can look out at the other person with more openness and curiosity and show willingness to listen to incoming cues. They are not flooded or trying to shut down and stay numb.

Turn their emotions into clear, specific signals. Messages are not conflicted or garbled. Clear communication flows form a clear inner sense of feared danger and longed-for safety.

Tolerate fears of others response, enough to stay engaged, and give the other a chance to respond.

Explicitly state your needs. To do this they have to recognize and accept their attachment needs.

(To identify attachment style, read previous blog posts).

Hear and accept the needs of the other. Respond to these needs with empathy and honesty.

React to the others response, even if it is not what is hooped for, in a way that is relatively balanced and, especially if it is what is hoped for with increased trust and positive emotions.

The most intense and attachment focused Hold Me Tight conversations build tangible safety and connection, even in secure happy relationships.

Dr. Sue Johnson ~ Hold Me Tight