"We tend to focus on negative emotion because cues relevant to survival are given priority by our mind and body.  But positive emotion is a powerful force as well.  Life is, after all, a constant search for just this! 

Studies now show that happiness is not only a sign of flourishing but also the impulse that creates well-being. 

Just as sunlight makes gardens grow, joy makes us more alive and adventurous.  It moves us forward and outward, pushing us to explore objects and places and engage with loved ones and strangers. 

In psychological terms, it sends us into "approach" behavior--but in a softer, more inquisitive way than does anger, which has a harder, more assertive quality.  Negative emotions, such as anger and fear, narrow our focus, while positive emotion expands the range of our thoughts and creates the urge to play and experiment."    


Dr. Sue Johnson, Love Sense

Is perfectionism an issue for you? If so, what is one of your strategies for managing it?  Author and researcher, Brene Brown asks this question to many in her data collection about perfectionism.  She reveals in her book, Daring Greatly, "I have never heard one person attribute their joy, success, or wholeheartness to being perfect.  In fact, what I have heard over and over throughout the years is one clear message:  The most valuable and important things in my life came to me when I cultivated the courage to be vulnerable, imperfect, and self-compassionate." 

Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our fits and to our sense of purpose; it's the hazardous detour.

Like vulnerability, perfectionism has accumulated around it a considerable mythology.  I  think it's helpful to start by looking at what perfectionism isn't.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.
Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. 
Perfectionism is a defensive move.  It is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. 
Perfectionism is a twenty ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it is the thing that is really preventing us from being seen.

Perfectionism is not self improvement.
Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. 
Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). 

Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: 
I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. 
Please. Perform. Perfect.

Healthy striving is self focused: How can I improve? 
Perfectionism is other focused: What will they think? 
Perfectionism is a hustle.

The fear of failing, of making mistakes, not meeting people's expectation and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfold.





Daring Greatly - Brene Brown

Addictive Thought System or Love Based Thinking

1. Self esteem is dependent upon my being approved of by everyone on the planet.

1. My self-esteem is not dependent upon pleasing others.  Approval seeking takes me away from who I am.

2. If I am to consider myself worthwhile, I must excel, achieve, win, and display glowing competence at all times, in all places, and at all costs.

2. My self-worth is not based solely upon what I do or achieve.  I am enough right now.

3. All things that go wrong in my life are caused by other people.  These people need to be blamed and punished.

3. Healing must begin in my own mind.

4. If external situations in my life are not exactly how I want them to be I must feel tense, worry endlessly, and expect a disaster to occur within seconds.

4. If I want to change my life, I must first change my mind.  What I experience is based upon my thoughts and my beliefs.

5. If something negative happened in the past,, I should be very concerned about repeating itself in the future.  It will help if I keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.

5. The past is the past.  The future is the future.  The present is the present.

6. If I avoid painful issues and stuff down my emotions, I will be safe and happy.

6. I trust the unfolding of my life.  Love has never abandoned me.  I need but open my heart to it.

7. I am weak and need to be dependent on somebody or something else.

7. Share who you are with another,  Don't look to another to make up for a lack in yourself.

8. I should be very involved in, and upset about, other people's problems.

8. Fixing you will not fix me.

9. There is no right way to view the world.

9.There is another way to look at this.  The world is not always clearly black and white.  If I am attached to being right, I am shutting the door on learning and the lessons of love.

10. I am limited in what I can do and the happiness that I can experience.

10. I am limitless.

Those who live a wholehearted life, when asked about numbing their feelings reported three important things they learned:

1. Learned how to actually feel their feelings.
2. Stayed mindful about numbing behaviors.
3. Learned how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.

How exactly do you lean into discomfort and anxiety? Many explain that reducing anxiety means paying attention to how much they can do, and how much was too much, and learning to say, ENOUGH, even to themselves.

When it comes to anxiety, we all struggle.  There are different types of anxiety and certainly different intensities.  Some anxiety is hardwired and best addressed with a combination of medication and therapy, and some of it is environmental--we are overextended and overstressed.

When looking at two groups which were interviewed on ways of handling anxiety, Group A will find way to manage and soothe, with means of numbing or avoiding the anxiety.  While Group B found a way to change the thinking, behaviors, thus changing the emotion of anxiety.  Group B addresses anxiety at the root, by aligning their lives with their values and setting boundaries, that is enough!

We have to believe that we are enough in order to say, "Enough!".  For women, setting boundaries is difficult because the shame gremlins are quick to weigh in: "Careful saying no.  You will really disappoint these people.  Don't let them down Be a good girl.  Make everyone happy!" 

For men, the gremlins whisper, "Man up.  A real guy could take this on and then some.  Is the little mamma's boy just too tired?"

We know that when we stand up to our beliefs and honor ourselves it means engaging with our vulnerability, which cannot happen when shame has the upper hand, and the same is true for dealing with anxiety-fueled disconnection.  The two most powerful forms of connection are love and belonging.  They are both irreducible needs of men, women, and children. 

One thing that most separates the men and women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seemed to be struggling for it, is a belief in their worthiness.  It is as simple and complicated as this:  If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging. 

To more fully understand disconnection and numbing, we may understand the definitions of connection and belonging.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.

Belonging:  Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.  Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.  Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

These definitions are crucial to understanding how we become disconnected in our lives and how to change.  Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who do not matter, seeing the value of working in cultivating connection with family and close friends.

When asked the question, "What is the quickest way to make these feelings go away?" 
Re-ask the question, "What are these feelings and where did they come from?"


Brene Brown - Daring Greatly

The good news is that in a successful marriage, both husband and wife are able to face their internal conflicts and make room for the child.  But at the same time they do not allow the child to take over the marriage.  It helps greatly to know ahead of time that the post birth period is stressful. 

The woman needs to apportion her attention between husband and child, recognizing the importance of her role as wife and sexual partner.  She can be more aware that her sexual interest may diminish, especially if she is breastfeeding.  As one woman said, "I felt that my body belonged to my baby." 

But she can discuss her husband's sexual needs with him and both recognize the issues before them.  At those times, the wife may feel that the husband's sexual needs as one more demand on her fatigued condition.  And then, he cannot stand to be rejected by her.

Both husband and wife are at their most vulnerable to feeling rejected, hurt, and unappreciated for their heroic efforts.  Ultimately both parents need to appreciate that restoring their life as a couple vital to the child as well as to the marriage.  Needless to say the same issues come up at the birth of each child and become acute if the children are close in age.

How people resolve these conflicts depends very much on whether they have built a marriage structure that can hold against the onslaught of the baby and be enlarged to include the child. 

The woman who before pregnancy had empathy for her husband will usually find it again, recognizing his feelings and the justness of his claims on her.  She will want to be responsive to him.  Similarly, a man who was sensitive and responsive to his wife will realize that the deprivations are temporary.  He will identify with her in a flowering of mutual love for her and pride in the baby.

It is all too easy for the marital relationship to erode when children take center state.  The couple's sex life may decline for several years after the birth of a child. 

Parents who become entirely absorbed in child rearing have emotionally abandoned each other and the marriage, leaving two hungry people whose adult needs are not being met. 

At the other end of the spectrum is the couple who are so absorbed in each other or their individual interests that they emotionally abandon their children.

A good marriage enhances the connection between each parent and the child.  Children feel more secure when they are aware of the love between their parents.  A marriage involves not only sharing in conception and parenting but also helping each other and the marriage to recover from these transforming events.



The Good Marriage - Wallerstein & Blakeslee

Marriage is a laissez-passer, a passport to travel in tandem on life's journey.  Even if the bride and groom have been partners for some time, they are never fully prepared for this journey.  Thinking about the road is not the same as moving down the road.

They need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip. 
They need to decide the direction in which they will travel and the conveyance they will use. 

Will it be the fast lane or the slow lane? 
How much money and what kind of provisions are available? 
What pace is most comfortable, and where are the stopping places? 
How will they deal with bends in the road and with sudden landslides that temporarily block their path?

Today the road maps of their predecessors are unreliable because the landscape and the destinations have changed.

You do not have to be an adult to begin this journey, but unless you are working toward adulthood, the journey is likely to end in failure.  For people who marry young, the tasks of early marriage coincide with the tasks of consolidating adulthood.  A good marriage can help each partner become an adult, while a poor marriage can block or delay adulthood.

The first task in any marriage ---romantic, rescue, traditional, or any other type --- is to separate psychologically from the family of origin and simultaneously create a new kind of connectedness with the parent's generation. 

These intertwined tasks, seemingly in opposition, are mutually necessary.

Psychological separation means gradually detaching from your family's emotional ties.  It does not mean driving across the country in a Volkswagen bus or taking a three year assignment in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia.  It does not mean just sharing an apartment with someone you love.  It does not mean even getting married and having children --- for you can do all that without separating from psychologically from your original family.  Can you be your chronological age in front of your family?

To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgement and your own ability to make choices. 

Most of all, you must shift your primary love and loyalty to the marital partner and your primary focus to establishing a new family. 

This emotional shift from being a son or daughter to being a wife or husband is accomplished by internally reworking your attachments to and conflicts with your parents.



The Good Marriage - Wallerstein & Blakeslee

It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain.  Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way.  There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression.  No one but yourself affects you.  There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, weak or frail.

Serenity must come from within. 

There is only one opposing emotion to love, and that is fear.  Fear is something that our egos made up, and fear is at the core of the addictive thought system.  Based on fear, many other conflicted beliefs occur. 

There are four fundamental parts of the addictive thought system.

• Fear.
  
• Living in the past  or Living in the future.

• Judgement.
  
• Scarcity - That I am not enough.
  

Fear is the fuel on which the addictive thought system runs. 

When you find yourself looking to a drug, a job, food, material possessions, or a relationship for your happiness, it is because you are afraid, you have forgotten that you are love.

When you become like a child, seeing fearsome images in the dark, seeing attack and hostility all around you, your mind has forgotten that you are love, and in turn, you have become afraid.

When you have an endless resume of accomplishments and still don't feel good about yourself, love seems to be nowhere and you are afraid.

When you want nothing more than to feel the love of another, yet you continually armor yourself in defenses, it is because you are in an ironic dilemma. 
You are afraid of that for which you yearn: Love.

Projection leads us into a world where fear is constantly reinforced.  We end up being afraid of love and freedom.  Instead of inviting love into our hearts we become hosts of guilt.  We become surrounded by bars of fear, forged by our own thinking.

How to break the cycle of fear

1. Begin to talk about your feelings.
2. Begin to identify your irrational beliefs.
3. Begin to see that there is nothing you want to hide, even if you could.


When living in the past or the future.
There is nothing you have done in the past that makes you unworthy of love.
There is nothing that you need to do to become loveable.
This instant you are not only worthy of love, but you are love itself.
Until I direct my mind to let go of the past,
I will not really know myself and love, and it will continue to escape my awareness living in the past or the future.

The future is the black hole of worry.  What better way to for the ego to distract us than to create images of catastrophic possibilities lie in the future!

The average adult spends about 50% of his or her time preoccupied with the future.  Will I have enough money, time, will this person or that person like an accept me?  The list goes on and on!

If you grew up without a strong sense of self, you second guessed yourself constantly.

Confused by the internal, doubt filled chatter, you most likely shrank in the face of adversity, hid when you needed to be seen, and kept our mouth shut when your voice needed to be heard. 

Fear will have you choose what you believe will keep you safe even when the opposite is true.  It will have you believe that you cannot do it , you are wrong, the cost is too high, the path ahead too difficult.  Fear will tell you, "Don't even think about it.  Stay where you are.  It is not the right time to deal with this." 

But these are the kinds of lies that keep fear in power and you at a standstill.  These are the lies that breed mediocrity and guarantee you and unfulfilled life.  These are the lies that you must confront if you are going to bypass a predictable future and leap into an unpredictable yet infinitely beautiful future.

Every time you choose fear, you loose sight of your highest aspirations.  You fall prey in being controlled by your history rather than rising to the future that you desire and that you deserve.  Fear screams out" Don't lt go!  Don't give up your grudges, your anger, your grief, or your excuses!"

To access our courage, we must uncover, accept and embrace our fears. 
The only way to embrace our fears is to recognize them for what they are.  That is, we need to accept them as misperceptions that have been birthed out of experiences from the past or as part of the challenge of growing.

Take a look at your sacred wounds, the ones that are clothed in fear.  There we will find the key to clearing our minds and reviving our warrior hearts.  We will find ourselves further along the road to meeting the confidence and courage that will transform our lives.


Debbie Ford - Courage

Struggling With Relationships?

Codependency is an emotional disorder that causes people to ignore their own needs while constantly fulfilling the needs of others. A codependent person may forfeit his or her own well-being and values in the pursuit of assisting someone else.

After experiencing relationship trauma, codependents often form unhealthy relationships due to feelings of low self-worth.

Codependents often enter relationships with individuals who are irresponsible, emotionally detached or excessively needy.
Such relationships are likely to be emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.
As a result, codependents tend to be downtrodden and oppressed in their relationships.

Individuals suffering from codependency repress their emotions and needs to the point that they are subjected to relationship trauma and extremely low self-esteem.

If unaddressed, codependency continues, causing individuals to cope with their emotions by abusing alcohol, drugs, sex or food. Those who seek emotional relief in food can develop eating disorders without realizing the transition.


The Five Core Symptoms of Codependency

1.   Neglecting your own needs
2.   No or Few Boundaries
3.   Owning your own reality
4.   Low Self Esteem
5.   Black and White Thinking 


Codependent Survival

Moving from little or no esteem to esteeming ourselves in a healthy ways, feels unfamiliar, for we are used to telling ourselves that we are being arrogant, or when we set boundaries that we are being distant.

Put more energy into loving yourself than you do into trying to love others.Learning how to love yourself is at the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

As we struggle to hold on to and protect our security, sensation, ego rushes, prestige, money, power, status or intellectualizing, we lead lives of resentment worries, fears, angers and jealousies.

Often the more successful we are in collecting possessions, developing exciting relationships, acquiring knowledge, and polishing skills, the less loving, peaceful and contented we find ourselves.

How do we find serenity in a chaotic lifestyle?

A very wise philosopher from 1329 stated, "the soul does not grow by addition but rather by subtraction.  In transformation we learn that we must cut out baggage, the simple will last.  The way, the true way, needs nothing else."

One problem today is not the lack of knowledge, rather having too much. 
The soul remains restless, and it speaks to us with anxiety and inner conflict until it is fulfilled.  Our attitude toward life is shaped only when we are willing to decide what we wish to live and risk for.

Not to risk is the greatest hazard to our own growth.  The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing.  That person avoids suffering and sorrow but will not learn, feel, change, grow, love, or blossom.  Persons afraid of change become slaves and forget their own freedom. 

Only a person who risks is free, and only a free person can open the door to their true selves.

To expose feelings is to risk ourselves.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool 
To cry is to risk being judged as weak. 
To reach out for another is to risk involvement and hurt. 
To love is to risk not being loved in return. 
To place our ideas and dreams before others is to risk loss, discouragement, and despair, but not to dream is to sentence ourselves to chronic hopelessness.

Our freedom is not measured by the choices we have made or the risks we have taken.  Freedom is measured by the intensity of the moment without our inner selves.  Somehow knowing there is no going back, we break through to a higher level, transcending the bonds of our being. 

Transformed into a fresh state of being, we experience a heightened awareness. 
For those who have taken the journey, it seems that it only happens one day at a time.