Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Letting Go of being General Manager of the Universe!

11/29/2015

When I let go of what I am, I become what I am supposed to be.

What an idea.
Let go of what we cannot control.
Resign as general manager of the universe.
Stay on my own side of the street unless someone crosses uninvited.

We must mind our own business.
We must stop believing that we are in control of everything.
Of everyone, especially our partners.
The hardest part is to remember not to comment
or get involved in others business
unless we are invited.

We must take our power where it lives
--- in this moment ---
and surrender to a path
even if we do not know where the path is going.

We can give up doing everything our way,
our efforts to control the situations and circumstances of our lives.
We let go of the things we believed to be true.

The truth is that we really have no idea
where the universe is trying to guide us.
It is essential to
stop and listen
for the whispers that the universe offers to us.

Through the many voices,
the voice of courage,
the voice of a new future,
the voice of our own greatness
will sneak in when all the activity stops---
especially the activity of the mind
since our minds cannot take us
where our hearts long to go.

Debbie Ford - Courage

Celebrating This Day.

11/26/2015

Yesterday has gone.
Tomorrow may never come.
There is only the miracle of this day,
this moment.
Slow down.
Savor it.
This life is truly a gift.

The Developing Self

11/21/2015

The Adult
is "Here & Now"
and
The Child
is "Then and There."

Know what you Need
But have what you Want.
Love the Child,
but be the Adult.

Courage, Compassion, & Connection

11/20/2015

In Brene Brown's book called "Daring Greatly"
she talks about wholehearted living.
She She says,

"Wholehearted living
is about
engaging in our lives
from a place of worthiness."

"It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection
to wake up in the morning and think;
No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.

It's going to bed at night thinking;
Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid,
but that doesn't change the truth
that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Love and belong are are needs of all men, women, and children.
We are hardwired for connection --
it is what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives.

The absence of love, belonging, and connection
leads to suffering.

A strong belief in our own worthiness is cultivated,
it just does not happen.

Living a life of courage is defined
by having compassion and connection.

Vulnerability is the catalyst for
courage and compassion and connection.

Willingness to be vulnerable is the single clearest value
shared by most men and women who are wholehearted."

Coping Skills

11/19/2015

1. Ask for help - Reach out to someone safe. 2. Inspire yourself. Carry something positive with you, such as a poem. 3. Leave where you are uncomfortable. When things feel bad, leave. 4. Persistence. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up. 5. Honesty. Secrets and lying are at the core of low self esteem. Honesty heals the self. 6. Cry - Let yourself cry, it will not last forever. 7. Choose self respect. Choose whatever will make you like yourself tomorrow. 8. Take good care of your body. Eat right, exercise, sleep, safe sex. 9. List your options. In any situation, you have choices. 10. Create meaning with what you have. Remind yourself what you are living for, your children? Love? Truth? Justice? God? 11. Do the best you can with what you have. Make the most of any available opportunities. 12. Set a boundary. No matter what, say "no" to protect yourself. 13. Compassion - Listen to yourself with respect and care. 14. When in doubt, do what is hardest. The most difficult path invariably is the right one. 15. Talk yourself through it. Positive self talk helps in difficult times. 16. Imagine. Create a mental picture that helps you feel different (remember your safe place). 16. Notice the choice point. In slow motion, notice the exact moment when you choose an addiction. 17. Pace yourself. If overwhelmed, go slower, if stagnant, go faster. 18. Stay safe. Do whatever you need to do to put your safety above all. 19. Seek understanding, not blame. Listen to your behavior; blaming prevents growth. 20. If one way does not work, try another. As if in a maze, turn a corner and try a new path. 21. Alone is better than a bad relationship. If safe for now is alone, that is ok. 22. Create a new story. You are the author of your life. Be the hero who overcomes adversity. 23. Avoid avoidable suffering. Prevent bad situations in advance. 24. Ask others. Ask other if your belief is accurate. 25. Get organized. You will feel more in control with lists, "to do's" and a clean house. 26. Watch for danger signs. Face a problem before it becomes huge; notice red flags. 29. Healing above all. Focus on what matters. 30. Try something, anything. A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow. 31. Discovery. Find out whether your assumption is true rather than staying "in your head." 32. Attend therapy, support groups, meditations. Anything that keeps you going. 33. Create a buffer. Put something between you and danger. (time, distance). 34. Say what you really think. You will feel closer to others (only do this with safe people). 35. Listen to your needs. No more neglecting yourself. Hear what you really need. 36. Move toward your opposite. If you are too dependent, try being more independent. 37. Replay the scene. Review a negative event, what can you do differently? 38. Notice the cost. What is the price of addiction in your life? 39. Structure your day. A productive schedule keeps you on track and connected to the world. 40. Set an action plan. Be specific, set a deadline, and let others know about it. 41. Protect yourself. Put up a shield against destructive people, bad environments. 42. Soothing talk. Talk to yourself very gently (as if to a friend or small child).

Seeking Safety - Najavits

Helplessness & Vulnerability, Our Child & Adult Parts

11/18/2015

There is a world of difference between what we may feel and what the facts are, just as there is a world of difference between childhood and adulthood.

How many people, as children, lost a pet they loved?
It hurt terribly.

The Child could only feel utter helplessness in the face of such loss.

Those past feelings may remain with the Child as he grows up and influence him to to want another pet. Never getting another pet guarantees that he or she will never feel
the same devastation from losing it
but the pleasure of having one would be sacrificed.

Loosing a significant person such as a parent or sibling
magnifies the Child's devastation.

As an Adult
he or she may have considerable problems with relationships as he or she tries to find some optimum ratio between intimacy,
for the denied pleasures, and safety,
for the avoidance of potential loss.

The Child distinguishes no difference between
vulnerability and helplessness,
because to him or her these emotions feel the same.

Our ability as Adults to acknowledge
the vast distinction between these two perceptions
makes it possible for us to change and
function primarily in the Adult state.

In the process,
we must take meaningful chances,
face reasonable risks,
and know
that we will no longer
be emotionally
destroyed or devastated by the experiences.

Not daring to pursue what we want chains us to past
and prevents us from reaching our potentials.

Without accepting the possibility of loss,
we cannot love.

To love, we must be willing to give a hostage to fate.
Otherwise the Child fears will hold the Adult's present pleasures captive.

Knowing that we have choices and
that being vulnerable
is no longer
the same as being helpless,
we can cast off the old chains and
free ourselves
to pursue what we want.

Breaking Free - Kardener & Kardener

Finding Love in Today.

11/10/2015

"What we create within is mirrored outside of us.
This is the law of the universe."
Shakti Gawain

Whenever we see in our lives is a
product of what is going on in our minds.
Our thoughts produce the reality of our lives.
When we live with loving thoughts,
we find love all around us.

On the other hand,
if our mind if full of judgments, criticism,
negativity or fear,
that is what will present itself
to us in our now.

That is the way that we fill find our world.

Childhood Wants, Adult Needs

11/9/2015

As young children we learn how to behave
and what conditions we need to survive.
These cues form our childhood NEEDS.

In our earliest states of helpless dependence,
no alternatives exist to our care taking situation,
but to survive.

Because we have no options,
we idealize those cues that define our existence and internalize
this idealization in the form of familiar patterns
that ultimately serve to ensure
our emotional survival.

This represents our Child -
manifested by the NEED to maintain those cues
that give us a sense of
self, others, and the world.

As we desperately staying in what we know of the past,
and in the here and now of today,
we dispel uncertainly and maintain predictability.
That is safe.
Even if we do not want the outcome and
intellectually understand it
to be painful or destructive.

As we mature, and begin to develop the Adult self,
we become increasingly capable of expressing
what we WANT in the here and now.

When the Adults WANTS are the same
as the Child NEEDS, little conflict ensure.
We incorporate our NEEDS into WANTS.

More commonly a state of tension exits between the two forces.
Our Child self, which is full of powerful emotions associated with survival,
tries to combat change,
and our Adult self can easily be sidelined
by this intense effort for continunity.

The confronting interface between the here and now Adult WANTS
and the then and there Child NEEDS
defines our struggle to grow as
individuals, couples, families, and communities.

The wish for you in your today is:

Know what you NEED,
but have what you WANT;
Love the Child, Be the Adult.

Breaking Free - Kardener & Kardener

Please Just Listen

11/6/2015

When I ask you to listen to me
and instead you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked,
nor heard what I desire.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me
why I shouldn't feel what I am feeling,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen please!

ALL I ask is that you listen.
Not talk, nor "do" --just hear me.
Advice is cheap when not asked for. Fifty cents gets me "Dear Abby"
and the astrology forecasts in the same paper.
I can do that for myself.

I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged or faltering --
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and must do for myself,
you contribute to my seeming fearful, weak, or inadequate.
I may feel these things.

Don't' act as though my feelings are facts.

When you accept that I feel what I feel, not matter how irrational
it seems, I can quit trying to convince you and instead begin to
understand what is behind what I am saying and doing -- to what I am feeling.
When that is clear, chances are so will the answers be, and I won't
need advice.
Or I will then be ready to hear it!

Perhaps that is why for some people prayer works.
God is mute and doesn't give advice or try to fix what we must do ourselves.

So, please listen, just hear me.
And if you wish to speak, let's plan on your turn.
I promise I will listen too.

Breaking Fee - Kardener, and Kardener

When the Activity of the Mind Quiets...

11/1/2015

It is essential to
stop
and listen

to the whispers of the universe,
through it's many different voices
it is conveying.

The voice of courage,
The voice of a new future,
The voice of our greatness
will sneak in
when all the activity
of the mind
stops.

Sometimes our mindscannot take us where
our hearts long to go.

Learn the surrender process:

Pick your favorite writing spot and settle in
for a little quality time with your inner world.
Then take a few quiet moments for personal reflection.

1. What are you not accepting?
Make a list of any are of your life
where you are experiencing some conflict or inner resistance,
where you are refusing to accept things as they actually are.

2. The Voice of Control.
What does the voice of control say to you?
Write out the negative internal dialogue that limits your abilities
to let go in any part of your life.

3. When things were beyond your control.
Make a list of the times in your life when you
tried to control circumstances and it did not work.
What default behaviors or strategies did you use?
And what were the outcomes?

4. The Voice of Surrender.
What does the voice of surrender tell you?
You have probably heard its voice many times in your life.
Write out the wisdom and
comfort that the
Voice of Surrender whispers to you.

5. Dear Universe.
Write a letter of resignation giving up your position
as general manager of the universe.
Be sure to write down the specific date
by which you will leave your post.
The sooner the better.
Continue to listen rather than control.

Debbie Ford - Courage