Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
  • Home
  • Yelp! Reviews
  • About
  • Couples Therapy
  • Individual Therapy
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Addiction
  • More
    • More Testimonials
    • Family
    • Resources and Related Links
    • Neurofeedback

Are You There for Me?

6/29/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Our view of love today is out of line with our culture's ideas of adulthood; that maturity means being independent and self sufficient. 

In contrast, attachment theorists say that
"effective dependency" is from "cradle to grave"
and is to turn towards our partners for emotional support. 
Those who ask for emotional support show signs of strength and asking for your needs to be met by your partner, creates deep connections and lasting relationships.


Love relationships as adults exhibit similar responses and patterns as mothers and their children. 

We generally feel secure, when we are comfortable
with closeness and confident with depending on another loved one, we seek support as well as giving support. 


When we feel safely connected to others we understand ourselves better and like ourselves more.
We are more confident about problem solving, and more likely to successfully achieve our goals.

The people we "love"are the hidden regulators of our bodily processes and our emotional lives. 
When love does not work, we hurt.  Indeed, "hurt feelings" is a precisely accurate phrase. 

Brain images show that when one is hurting from emotional rejection or hurt feelings, the part of our brain, the anterior cingulate, triggers the same circuits as physical pain. 


In fact, this part of the brain turns on anytime
we are emotionally separated from those who are close to us.


 Do you remember having that fight with your partner and feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable all day long until you talk through the issue
?


Attachment theory teaches us that our loved one is our shelter in life. 


We all experience fear when we have disagreements or arguments with our partners. 
For those of us with secure relationships it is talked through and only a momentary blip, our partners will reassure us if we ask. 


For those of us with fraying bonds,
fear can be overwhelming
. 

Sometimes we present with anger to defend our hurt.  Couples tend to be caught up in patterns of destructive power struggles or caustic fighting patterns.  We have to really look at what is going on in the couples dance, often the circular pattern of defend/blame is the enemy. 

There are several patterns couples fall into that create a barrier to intimacy.

Couples can learn their destructive patterns and step out of them. 
Couples can learn to realize that the softer emotions are
underneath those protest emotions of anger and contempt. 


Once couples are taught to learn their patterns and protest behavior, and step out of the circular patterns, they learn to pause and listen,
"What would my partner be asking for if they were a child?
Some reassurance, a hug, to be heard, to know that I am there?"


The most basic emotion that is underneath
many power struggles,
is fear.


The question most people seek in a relationship with their partner is:

 Are you there for me?



Sue Johnson, Hold me Tight






0 Comments

The Dance of Adult Love

6/17/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
When couples do their circular dance, that pattern of remaining stuck, they do not realize the softer emotions which lie underneath their defenses.  When we slow down the "spin" of these circular dances, we see the softer emotions underneath anger and frustration like fear, sadness, embarrassment. Shame always seems to appear too.

Take a couple such as Ann and David... 
They came to a session and stated they were frustrated and stuck. Discussing their conflicts in a therapy session provided important information. 

The angrier Ann became, the more she criticized David and then the more silent David became hearing this criticism.  After a lot of gentle questions, David states that underneath his silence, he felt "defeated" and "sad." 

Sadness tells us to slow down and grieve, so David had begun to grieve his marriage.  And, of course, the more he closed down, the more Ann demanded to be let in. Her angry complaint cued his sense of silent defeat and his silence cued her angry demands. Round and round and round. 
They were both stuck.


Talking about these emotions, perhaps for the first time, and seeing how patterns trap couples, helps each partner feel safer with each other.  No one has to be the bad guy here.  The pattern of communication is the enemy. 

Couples then can begin to have new kinds of conversations
and their narrow exchange of blame and silent distancing slowed down.  Sharing softer emotions, couples begin to see each other differently. 

The drama of painful emotions don't seem so overwhelming. 
The negative patterns of interaction starts when one partner tries to reach for the other and cannot make safe emotional contact.  Once couples are able to see their destruction patterns of behaviors and understand the cues of reaching for the other, they are able to show more of themselves, to risk sharing deeper emotions, then the conflict calms down and they feel a little closer. 

Communication begins.







Sue Johnson - Hold me Tight.





0 Comments

Emotions are at the Heart of Your Relationship Dance.

6/11/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
A common problem found in many couples
seeking assistance for their relationship is for one partner to report that the other is often critical and angry. 


When the deeper experience of the critical partner is uncovered, core sadness and loneliness in the relationship are revealed.  Feeling alone in a relationship can be very painful, and when it triggers angry protest out of desperation.

("You never spend Sundays with me anymore.  We never go out like we used to!")
...
unfortunately the result is often to push the
apparently distant partner even further away. 


For example,
Do you ever feel frustrated and angry (reactive emotion)
after a moment of sadness (core emotion)?

Do you ever feel anxious (reactive emotion)
about the possibility and fear (core emotion)
of being rejected or seen as a failure?

Do you feel helpless (reactive emotion)
about letting someone know you are angry
(core emotion) because your boundaries have been crossed?


Sometimes emotions we feel are a reaction to a more core,
primary emotion (are deeply felt at the very core of your being)
or experience. 
The examples of
reactive emotions,

(frustration, angry, helplessness) are so called because they
are emotions about emotions. 


The core emotion is brushed against first, which can feel intense and scary, so the reactive emotion shows up to rescue you from being too vulnerable or exposed.  You will typically bump into reactive emotions readily in your arguments and tense conversations and you will discover them by snorkeling at the surface. 


Emotions may protect you in helping you
to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as the hurt, sadness, fear or insecurity underneath.  It can be tricky to decipher which emotions are core and which are reactive, but tuning into yourself and slowing things down,
and noticing which emotions come first
and then second,
can help you.


When the reactive emotion arises, many partners may withdraw. 
In the withdrawing they typically reveal that fear of disappointing or failing, which is also very painful, underlies their problem solving, resulting in placating and eventual withdrawal. 

Unfortunately this approach will typically reinforce their partner's sense of alienation and evoke more criticism. 

And the so cycle will feed on itself until the partners begin to share their core sadness and fears in the negative dance, opening up the possibility of new experiences and responses.  What many couples do not realize, it's the cycle or pattern of communication is the enemy, not each other.  When many of the patterns and emotions are realized, a new pattern of communication can be obtained. 

Lower your defenses, relax and soften your dance.






An Emotionally Focused Therapy- Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald.


0 Comments

Being Comfortable with Closeness.

6/8/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Compassion is concern for the suffering of beings including yourself.  Assertion is expressing your truth and pursuing your aims within any type of relationship.  These two work together.  Compassion infuses warmth and caring into your assertiveness.  Assertiveness helps you stick up for yourself and others and to feel confident that you can still get your needs met even while being compassionate.

Empathy is the basis of true compassion, since it makes you aware of the difficulties others face and their suffering.  Empathy supports relationships in other ways as well, such as by helping you understand another person's inner workings.  Empathic breakdowns are upsetting.  When they happen frequently with vulnerable people such as children, they can be very harmful.

Empathy involves stimulating the actions, feelings and thought of another person.
  Stimulate her actions through imaging what it would feel like in your body to do them.  Simulate her feelings through tuning into your own emotions and watching her face and eyes closely.  Simulate her thoughts in taking into account what you know about her, and by forming good guesses about her inner world.

Being comfortable with closeness supports empathy
and compassion. 
Nonetheless, humanity's evolutionary heritage in which the greatest threats usually came from other people, combined with personal life experiences (especially childhood ones), can make an individual uncomfortable with closeness.  Ways to increase comfort with closeness include focusing on your internal experience instead of on the other person, paying attention to awareness itself, using imagery, and being mindful of your inner world.







Buddha's Brain - R. Mendius, M.D.




0 Comments

What Happened to Us?

6/5/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Most couples experience mutual attraction, understanding and closeness early in their relationship. 
As you reflect back on the early stages of your relationship--ask yourself, "what attracted you to him or her, and how did the relationship develop?"  It really may be very difficult to understand how your relationship developed over time.  Most importantly the understanding of how you got to where you are today. 

All couples experience a range of emotions, good and bad times together, both happy and difficult. 
Some couples are able to weather difficult moments or misunderstandings and "bounce back" resolving issues relatively easily whereas other couples can become "caught in misunderstandings that evolve into big disputes affecting how fundamentally close, secure, and respected they feel." 

It is only in these negative interactions that become a regular pattern of behavior where couples become stuck.  Your positions in them become rigid and can become problematic.  Over the years, getting stuck and stuck again and again in similar misunderstandings and arguments create resentments and bad feelings.  Not being able to resolve these differences can affect your relationship bond, leaving you feeling confused, disappointed and disheartened. Often this is when the question comes up, "What happened to us?"

 For some couples it may not be the case that you have been close and now feel you have drifted apart, but rather that you are searching to create a closer bond than you have ever felt before. 
Regardless of how you came to this point, there is hope to look at your relationship in a new light.   Becoming aware of your negative pattern of behaviors are the first task.  How conversations go and the emotional chain reactions which occur is often more important than the content of the discussion. 

Haven't you noticed that sometimes when you are in conflict and pause, you realize what you are arguing about is not important?  Tuning into the way you react to each other and how your difficult conversations evolve and spiral down is most important too.  Once the dysfunctional pattern of behavior (actions and reactions) are discovered, the pattern becomes the enemy, not the partner.






Emotionally Focused Couples - Kallos-Lily & Fitzgerald

0 Comments

    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


    Archives

    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    December 2019
    August 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013

    RSS Feed

    View my profile on LinkedIn
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from James St. John, johnvoo_photographer, Graniers, liveoncelivewild, qnrshop, torbakhopper, JayCob L., sandklef, Sam_Catch, torbakhopper, Belzie, Tomas Sobek, Infomastern, flequi, seier+seier, Adrian Dreßler, wackybadger, Sound80Roma, Kurdishstruggle, Amourins, pit thompson, Lord Jim, mikecogh, forum.linvoyage.com, torbakhopper, mikecogh, Alice Barigelli, Irene Grassi (sun sand & sea), Ania i Artur Nowaccy, hyacinth50, Maxime Raphael, grilled cheese, theilr, paranamir, LotsaSmiles Photography, Seniju, hedera.baltica, joejukes, Kitty Terwolbeck, Z Carlos, Tambako the Jaguar, Barry B's Photography, villoks, mikecogh, kevin dooley, torbakhopper, Roudoudou Hirons, kellynphillong, Digikuvaaja, Philippe Put, avrene, brewbooks, mikecogh, Angelia's Photography, thethreesisters, Infomastern, mikebaird, Phil and Pam, Ashley Campbell Photography, mikecogh, CJS*64 A man with a camera, automobileitalia, Thomas Rousing Photography, Daniela Vladimirova, Hernan Piñera, mrsmorningsun, mattyeo, DrPhotoMoto, ECraig4, smallcurio, Rum Bucolic Ape, built4love.hain, Sir, Rony, Paul Schultz, forkcandles, VinothChandar, districtinroads, Daniel Sjöström, ingridkreuz, fabiane13, Jurastapark, erix!, tara marie, ** RCB **, missbutterflies, Denna Jones, Kyrre Gjerstad, .FuturePresent., Skley, LadyDragonflyCC - >;<, fofie57, torbakhopper, Parker Knight, Japanexperterna.se, °linda°!°, wht_wolf9653, DrPhotoMoto, oliver.kratzke, Su Bee Buzz!, Casey David, Iqbal Osman1, davidmulder61, TangOblivion, Kirt Edblom, Tambako the Jaguar, www.photosbyroberta.com, romanboed, Zemzina, UpSticksNGo, matthewcunnelly, Stuart Chalmers, Johan G, Prestonbot, blumenbiene, torbakhopper, Hitchster, Josep Ma. Rosell, Kurayba, frankieleon, pikawil100, torbakhopper, Sten Dueland, Sir, Rony, errase, erix!, JohnSeb, woodleywonderworks, Lisa Brewster, forum.linvoyage.com, aredmon48, Stewart Black, kevin dooley, KnockOut_Photographs, Lars Plougmann, Tela Chhe, tocausan, étoiles filantes, RobotSkirts, sprout_creative, Nina Matthews Photography, nadia nameless., Tribes of the World, donnierayjones, FJH Photography, Brainedge, torbakhopper, josh.greentree, Kjunstorm, KnockOut_Photographs, danigutib, Beverly & Pack, wackybadger, halfabear, foilman, jtstewart, Rob Gallop, Joel Müller, patrickmarcus, aellin, @sage_solar, Parker Knight, Nina Matthews Photography, Swami Stream, n_sapiens, VinothChandar, Sharon Mollerus, Rina V., cleide isabel, tsuru_g4, artist in doing nothing, AJC ajcann.wordpress.com, NIAID, pedrosimoes7, GollyGforce - Living My Worst Nightmare, Eric Van Buskirk, Infomastern, jfingas, davethebass, Anders Printz, AGraddyPhoto, Claudio Gennari ..."Cogli l'attimo ferma il tempo", leonyaakov, Free HDR & Photomanipulations - www.freestock.ca, Lara Cores, Schristia, ^@^ina (Irina Patrascu), Parker Knight, kevin dooley, Keoni Cabral, Nels_P_Olsen, Roger Blackwell, nathan_cef, RTD Photography, Astro witch, Steve A Johnson, Sir, Rony, RJJ245, Craig Loftus, martin 65, permanently scatterbrained, boellstiftung, seyed mostafa zamani, Mirra Photography, Pink Sherbet Photography, @RunRockPrincess, torbakhopper, Life of JennRene, EraPhernalia Vintage . . . (playin' hook-y ;o), CarbonNYC [in SF!], don r faulkner, stimpsonjake, Pannonius Rex, Paulo Brandão, jroblear, peasap, pedrosimoes7, steve p2008, Didriks, Ksionic, Ryan_M651, kalyan02, eflon, Khanelle Prod' Medias, francisco_osorio, kaibara87, Tanozzo, Leonard John Matthews, garwol4130, H o l l y., AK Rockefeller, Steven Pisano, amsfrank, jafsegal, freddie boy, HockeyholicAZ, James St. John, Parker Knight, kevin dooley, bortescristian, robynejay, Rutkowski Photography, Poetprince, Ani Carrington, torbakhopper, Swami Stream, caalo10, Sten Dueland, swong95765, af.fotografie, H o l l y., MarkMoz12, Cameron Ba✝hory, jvoves, oddmenout, All Kinds of New, !Koss, the Italian voice, black.mirror, Thomas Leuthard, Helga Weber, chang2034, kleinfreund, francisco_osorio, Forsaken Fotos, Philipe Photos, Crystalline Radical, Rennett Stowe, jasleen_kaur, Jamiecat *, H o l l y., VinothChandar, slyronit, simpleinsomnia, Toffee Maky, Carodean Road Designs, State Farm, World/In/My/Eyes, dj1471, ulisse albiati, Erik Charlton, donnierayjones, Spirit-Fire, See-ming Lee 李思明 SML, DoD News Features, quinn.anya, ilovememphis, christiankaff, Eric Kilby, felixp7, steviep187, llinddsayy, moonlightbulb, japanese_craft_construction, Monkey Mash Button, Yuri Yu. Samoilov, Oneras, Clearly Ambiguous, dolbinator1000, Purple Sherbet Photography, peno4, SashaW, tvdxer, F▲IL, Philippe Put, torbakhopper, Robert Agthe, CJS*64 A man with a camera, tiinal91, Ray Bouknight, Matiluba, jk+too, Tasos K., tnssofres, CJS*64, Martin Pulaski, marfis75, mikecogh, CityTree עץבעיר, potzuyoko, Ania i Artur Nowaccy, Orin Zebest, Spider.Dog, Synergy by Jasmine, bearepresa, Prestonbot, Photommo, jseliger2, Life of JennRene, Alaskan Dude, CJS*64, CJS*64, XYZ Wedding Photography, rawdonfox, Maik Meid, janeperezphoto, Laurel L. Russwurm, Trenten Kelley Photography, Cast a Line, TaMiMi Q8, Davide Restivo, Silentmind8, mikecogh, Aurelien G. Photographie, psyberartist, amateur photography by michel, baumrasen, scarlett.photo, fromthemitten, ierdnall, distelfliege, Nina Matthews Photography, hepp, televisione, Pixelteufel, amboo who?, CarbonNYC, JohnGoode, Simon & His Camera, Eliezer Borges, ricky_1146, juliejordanscott, Mizrak, Tjook, Ambernectar 13, torbakhopper, Esteban Parreno, garryknight, torbakhopper, Ania i Artur Nowaccy, Jeff Hudgins / Alabama, pcutler, Craig Hatfield, Ravages, akimela, olivierbxl, Bengt Nyman, mikecogh, Evoflash, Erin Stoodley, DanielKrieg.de, włodi, db Photography | Demi-Brooke, Linds :), nattu, jurvetson, KLGreenNYC, phalinn, gailhampshire, Maria Schaefer Photography, torbakhopper, gabepopa, josemanuelerre, Simson_Petrol, postman.pete, Photography by Brian Lauer, quinn.anya, Jo Naylor, matrianklw, donjd2, H.P. Brinkmann, junxdelux, ewan traveler, AndresRSaenz, Alyssa L. Miller, Bruce Guenter, timlewisnm, valhouser, GabPRR, .tafo., Dwilliams851, katerha, wbaiv, MDB Images, ketrin1407, qwrrty, Neal., liquene, chaps1, Neal., raymond_zoller, ellenm1, Rusty Clark - On the Air M-F 8am-noon, istolethetv, Pedro Rotta, UrbanDigger.com, takebackyourhealthconference, GU / 古天熱, hahnfamilywines, epSos.de, seeveeaar, Spojení, Isabel Cortés Úbeda, Beedie's Photos, QUOI Media, bastii., zayzayem, jordanmerrick, Kirsten Hartsoch, Keoni Cabral, keyofnight, Peter Werkman (www.peterwerkman.nl), Street Photography Addict, Blucoala, markus spiske, Ricymar Photography (Thanks to all the fans!!!!), moonjazz, MsSaraKelly, namuit, joannapoe, Zabowski