When couples do their circular dance, that pattern of remaining stuck, they do not realize the softer emotions which lie underneath their defenses.  When we slow down the "spin" of these circular dances, we see the softer emotions underneath anger and frustration like fear, sadness, embarrassment. Shame always seems to appear too.

Take a couple such as Ann and David... 
They came to a session and stated they were frustrated and stuck. Discussing their conflicts in a therapy session provided important information. 

The angrier Ann became, the more she criticized David and then the more silent David became hearing this criticism.  After a lot of gentle questions, David states that underneath his silence, he felt "defeated" and "sad." 

Sadness tells us to slow down and grieve, so David had begun to grieve his marriage.  And, of course, the more he closed down, the more Ann demanded to be let in. Her angry complaint cued his sense of silent defeat and his silence cued her angry demands. Round and round and round. 
They were both stuck.

Talking about these emotions, perhaps for the first time, and seeing how patterns trap couples, helps each partner feel safer with each other.  No one has to be the bad guy here.  The pattern of communication is the enemy. 

Couples then can begin to have new kinds of conversations and their narrow exchange of blame and silent distancing slowed down.  Sharing softer emotions, couples begin to see each other differently. 

The drama of painful emotions don't seem so overwhelming. 
The negative patterns of interaction starts when one partner tries to reach for the other and cannot make safe emotional contact.  Once couples are able to see their destruction patterns of behaviors and understand the cues of reaching for the other, they are able to show more of themselves, to risk sharing deeper emotions, then the conflict calms down and they feel a little closer. 

Communication begins.






Sue Johnson - Hold me Tight.

A common problem found in many couples
seeking assistance for their relationship is for one partner to report that the other is often critical and angry. 

When the deeper experience of the critical partner is uncovered, core sadness and loneliness in the relationship are revealed.  Feeling alone in a relationship can be very painful, and when it triggers angry protest out of desperation.

("You never spend Sundays with me anymore.  We never go out like we used to!")...
unfortunately the result is often to push the
apparently distant partner even further away. 

For example,
Do you ever feel frustrated and angry (reactive emotion)
after a moment of sadness (core emotion)?

Do you ever feel anxious (reactive emotion)
about the possibility and fear (core emotion)
of being rejected or seen as a failure?

Do you feel helpless (reactive emotion)
about letting someone know you are angry
(core emotion) because your boundaries have been crossed?

Sometimes emotions we feel are a reaction to a more core,
primary emotion (are deeply felt at the very core of your being) or experience. 
The examples of reactive emotions,
(frustration, angry, helplessness) are so called because they
are emotions about emotions. 

The core emotion is brushed against first, which can feel intense and scary, so the reactive emotion shows up to rescue you from being too vulnerable or exposed.  You will typically bump into reactive emotions readily in your arguments and tense conversations and you will discover them by snorkeling at the surface. 

Emotions may protect you in helping you
to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as the hurt, sadness, fear or insecurity underneath.  It can be tricky to decipher which emotions are core and which are reactive, but tuning into yourself and slowing things down,
and noticing which emotions come first
and then second,
can help you.

When the reactive emotion arises, many partners may withdraw. 
In the withdrawing they typically reveal that fear of disappointing or failing, which is also very painful, underlies their problem solving, resulting in placating and eventual withdrawal. 

Unfortunately this approach will typically reinforce their partner's sense of alienation and evoke more criticism. 

And the so cycle will feed on itself until the partners begin to share their core sadness and fears in the negative dance, opening up the possibility of new experiences and responses.  What many couples do not realize, it's the cycle or pattern of communication is the enemy, not each other.  When many of the patterns and emotions are realized, a new pattern of communication can be obtained. 

Lower your defenses, relax and soften your dance.






An Emotionally Focused Therapy- Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald.

Most couples experience mutual attraction, understanding and closeness early in their relationship. 
As you reflect back on the early stages of your relationship--ask yourself, "what attracted you to him or her, and how did the relationship develop?"  It really may be very difficult to understand how your relationship developed over time.  Most importantly the understanding of how you got to where you are today. 

All couples experience a range of emotions, good and bad times together, both happy and difficult.  Some couples are able to weather difficult moments or misunderstandings and "bounce back" resolving issues relatively easily whereas other couples can become "caught in misunderstandings that evolve into big disputes affecting how fundamentally close, secure, and respected they feel." 

It is only in these negative interactions that become a regular pattern of behavior where couples become stuck.  Your positions in them become rigid and can become problematic.  Over the years, getting stuck and stuck again and again in similar misunderstandings and arguments create resentments and bad feelings.  Not being able to resolve these differences can affect your relationship bond, leaving you feeling confused, disappointed and disheartened. Often this is when the question comes up, "What happened to us?"

 For some couples it may not be the case that you have been close and now feel you have drifted apart, but rather that you are searching to create a closer bond than you have ever felt before.  Regardless of how you came to this point, there is hope to look at your relationship in a new light.   Becoming aware of your negative pattern of behaviors are the first task.  How conversations go and the emotional chain reactions which occur is often more important than the content of the discussion. 

Haven't you noticed that sometimes when you are in conflict and pause, you realize what you are arguing about is not important?  Tuning into the way you react to each other and how your difficult conversations evolve and spiral down is most important too.  Once the dysfunctional pattern of behavior (actions and reactions) are discovered, the pattern becomes the enemy, not the partner.






Emotionally Focused Couples - Kallos-Lily & Fitzgerald