Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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Denial, The Foundation of Addiction

8/30/2015

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The word denial is used frequently in chemical dependency programs. 

Part of the problem of chemical dependency
is the denial that there is any problem.

 
There is not an addicted person
that is not engaged in denial. 


Unfortunately, denial keeps the addict
in an irrational frame of mind,
allowing him or her to continue in addiction.

The process of denial in addiction
is not limited to the area of chemical dependency. 

With any addiction,
in order for the ego to continue its
obsessive quest for external gratification,
our underlying wholeness must be denied. 

In other words,
addiction cannot exist where

love and wholeness are truly acknowledged. 

It is the denial of our underlying wholeness
that is the foundation of addiction. 

If we experienced ourselves as whole,
addiction would not occur,
because we would feel complete,
in and of ourselves. 


Unfortunately,
we often remain blind
to our own addictive patterns. 
We need to make a conscious effort
to undo denial.


Addiction is born our of thinking that we are less than whole.

Today, let me see not myself as limited in any way. 
Today may I stop denying love, especially towards myself.


Healing my life begins in my own mind.
Through sharing who I am with others,
I come to know who I am,
I lack nothing to begin this day. 
I am human and imperfect

and when I accept this about myself,
and love myself for who I am,

I am limitless.


Healing the Addictive Mind - Jampolsky


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Have Compassion for Yourself; Let go of False Confidence

8/29/2015

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What is false confidence?
Is it the protective mechanism that keeps our self image intact?
The fabricated self we have come to identify with so completely?
False confidence is the ego's false bravado masquerading as confidence.


However, this false confidence never does a good job
protecting us from our deep insecurities.
In fact, this false confidence keeps us from
seeing who we really are and from accessing the state of being,

in which true self confidence resides.


False confidence only works when it is talking you and
everyone else into believing
that you have it all together. 
You are perfect. 

The perfect everything you portray to the world. 
This works for awhile.


Except, it turns into your own kind of hell
when you are alone and face the reality,
the false confidence condemning you for failing
at the unwinnable game of perfectionism.

This is the ego at work.
Instead of picking you up off the floor of defeat,
it tears you down, diminishing any real confidence you may have and
instead of having compassion for yourself for not being perfect,
you condemn yourself. 


Instead of acknowledging your own accomplishments,
you devalue them by comparing yourself with others.


This is a tragic game we play with ourselves
to portray a perfect and false self to the world.
 

The truth is, nobody is born into an insignificant life. 
There is not one life that doesn't add tremendous value to the whole. 


Somewhere inside we know this to be true. 
We can hear the faint call of humanism

and we can point to a more authentic direction of a bigger life.
 
This life, built on a bedrock of authenticity,
this life asks us to consider what real confidence is...
what would we have to know to actually
embody true and authentic confidence?


We must lift ourselves out of fear of the individual ego
and live in a brave new world. 

A paradigm of connection. 
It may not be easy to lift yourself out of fear,
but it is a choice we can make. 

Not only a choice, a transformation. 
Make connection with your humanity,
live with the certainty of who you are,
in service to others, with hope, and love. 

Choose to contribute rather than hold back,
find your authentic voice,
and release yourself
from the torture of the drama of perfectionism. 

To claim your purpose
is the great journey of your lifetime.
 
It is a journey that takes you
from remembering to knowing
and
that leads you from
your head to your heart.





Debbie Ford - Courage

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Worthy of Love

8/25/2015

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Viewing men and women that I have worked with,
seeing them realize their potential and growth,
I can see a most important theme
in their successes towards happiness.

Those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging,
and those who struggle for it is the variable that divides these groups. 

Those who learn to feel lovable,
who love,
and who experience belonging

simply believe
they are worth of love and belonging. 

They do not have better or easier lives,
they don't have fewer struggles with addiction or depression,
and they have not survived fewer traumas
or bankruptcies or divorces,
but in the midst of all of these struggles,
they have developed practices
that enable them to hold on to the belief

they are worthy of
love, belonging and even joy.


A strong belief in worthiness doesn't just happen  ---
it is cultivated
when we understand the guideposts

as choices and daily practices. 
To identify vulnerability
as the catalyst for
courage, compassion and connection.







Brene Brown - Daring Greatly

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Today I Walk with Joy

8/24/2015

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As you walk,
you cut open and create that riverbed
into
which the stream
of your descendants shall
enter and flow.


As we walk along our path
learning, loving discovering, and
beginning to trust our own inner truth, 

we feel joy in the knowledge
that we are going in the right direction. 

We no longer need to
listen to the voice in our heads
that came from other generations,

others fear and ignorance,
from another time and place.

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Reclaiming My Experience

8/22/2015

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Adult irrationality is often the result of childhood frustrations.
Given that we are who we are, with whatever hang-ups and repressions,


what can we do to improve our future?

To overcome the anxieties and depressions of contemporary life,
individuals must become independent of the social environment
to the degree that they no longer respond
exclusively in terms of its rewards and punishments.

To achieve such autonomy, a person has to learn to provide rewards to himself or herself.  One has to develop the ability to find enjoyment and purpose regardless of external circumstances. 
This challenge is both easier and more difficult than it sounds
easier
because the ability to do so
is entirely within each person's
hands;

difficult because
it requires a discipline and perseverance that are relatively rare in any era,

and perhaps especially in the present.

And before all else, achieving control over experiences requires a drastic change in attitude about   what is important to one and what is not.

We grow up believing that what counts most in life is that which will
occur in the future.  At the end of the long struggle for achievements in our lives, the golden years of retirement beckon. 

"We are always getting to live,"

as Ralph Waldo Emerson used to say,
"but never living."


The most important step in emancipating oneself from social controls/rewards when one has fully achieved, gradually become free of societal rewards and learn how to substitute for them rewards that are under one's own powers. 

This is not to say that we should abandon every goal endorsed by society;
rather it means that, in addition to or instead of
the goals others use to bribe us with,
we develop a set of our own.





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Get Rid of Those Old Negative Tapes

8/21/2015

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"What we expect, believe and picture, we usually get."

We succeed or fail according to what we think we will do. 
Now is a good time to stop
and explore all the negative tapes
that keep us from succeeding. 


It is time to listen to our self-talk,
our message that pushes us forward,
or do our messages hold us back
or put us on hold?

What happens if you wrote down
three things each day
that are great about you?
Your inner self?
Your outer self?
Your gratitude?


When you change how you think.
You change how you feel.
And you change how you behave.


You are more powerful that you know!


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Men and Shame.

8/18/2015

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CAUTION: DO NOT BE PERCEIVED AS WEAK! 
Boys are issued this message when they are small.
Men, just like women, are caught in their own double bind.  Scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture,
"the never have enough syndrome," and it's not just "don't be perceived as weak," it's

"you better be great and powerful!"


We ask men to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we pleased with them to tell us when they are afraid, but the truth is, that most women can't stomach it.  In these moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.  And men are very smart.  They know the risks and they see the look in our eyes when we are thinking, "C'mon!  Pull it together. Man up!"

Not to oversimplify something as complex as the response to shame,
but when it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: 

pissed off or shut down
. 

Like women, men develop shame resilience, this changes,
and men learn to respond to shame
with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy.
 

But without awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness,
they normally respond

with anger and/or by completely turning off. 

I asked another therapist,
a man, about the concept of
"pissed off or shut down, "
he told me this story to illustrate the point.


When he was a freshman in high school, he tried out and made the football team.  On the first day of practice, his coach told the boys to line up on the line of scrimmage.  The therapist had grown up playing a lot of football in his neighborhood, but this was his first experience on a field, in full pads, across from boys whose goal was to flatten him. 

He said, "I was suddenly afraid. 
I was thinking about how much it was going to hurt,
and I guess that fear showed up on my face."


He said his coach yelled his last name and said,
"Don't be a pussy!  Get on the line!" 
He said he immediately felt shame coursing through his body. 

"In that single moment, I became very clear about how the world works
and what it means to be a man."

I am not allowed to be afraid.
I am not allowed to show fear.
I am not allowed to be vulnerable.
Shame is being afraid,
showing fear or being vulnerable.

When I asked him what he did next, he looked me in the eye and said,
"I turned my fear into rage and steamrolled over the guy in front of me. 
It worked so well that I spent the next twenty years
turning my fear and vulnerability
into rage and steamrolling anyone who was across from me. 
My wife.  My children.  My employees. 
There was no other way out from underneath the fear and shame."


Shame resilience --- is about finding a middle path.
An option that allows us to stay engaged
and to find the emotional courage
we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.

Teach our boys and men
authenticity,
vulnerability which takes courage
and the ability to find their honest voice.



Daring Greatly - Brene Brown





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Women and Shame

8/16/2015

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Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; 
therefore our value as women
is often determined by
where we are in relation
to our roles as mothers or potential mothers.
 
Women are constantly asked why they haven't married or,
if they are married
or why they haven't had children.


Even women who are married and have one child are asked
why they haven't had a second child?

 
If you are working outside the home,
the first question is,
"What about the children?" 
If you are not working,
the first questions is,
"What kind of example are you setting for your child?" 


"Mother Shame" is ubiquitous,
everywhere...
---it's a birthright for girls and for women.


However, the real struggle for women ---
what amplifies shame and regardless of the category ---
is that we are expected (and sometimes desire)

to be perfect.

Yet, the key is that we are not allowed to look like
we are trying to be perfect,
it has to look natural.

 

We just want it to materialize somehow,
everything should be effortless.  
Like the perfect friend, or neighbor next door,
she never has to try
and she is perfect,
why not me? 
Self judgment.
Shame arises. 

The expectation is to be natural beauties,
natural mothers, natural leaders, and naturally good parents,
and we want to belong to the naturally fabulous families. 


Think about how much money has been made selling products
that promise "the natural look." 
When it comes to work,
we love to hear, "She makes it look so easy,"
or "She's a natural."


This web of conflicting and competing expectations
put on women dictate:


Who we should be...
What we should be...
How we should be...


Shame dictates how 'we are' based on these rules.


The way out
is to remember
our dreams, gifts, and ambitions
are important.


Every successful and happy woman
I know that I have talked about this shares
how she has to push past
these "rules" 
so she can assert herself,
advocate for her ideas,
and feel comfortable
with her own power and gifts. 

The reality is that women
still run into the demands of
"stay small, sweet, quiet and modest."

Imperfection. 
It's human,
it's real and

we can embrace who we are
and our gifts. 

So, societal norms aren't outdated,
even if they are reductionist
and squeeze the life out of us,
and shame is the route to enforcing those rules.

No more shame.

Shame resilience is a prerequisite for vulnerability. 

It takes courage to stand still in 'your self'
and present to the world exactly who you are,
with understanding
that the only one who gets to vote
about you is you. 

It takes time to cultivate the practice and courage
to reach out and talk about hard things.
 

All you have to do is recognize who you are,
talk about life,
be vulnerable and courageous.

 

You don't have to master the information
before you engage in a conversation. 
Do  it.  Start now.  Talk about it with a friend. 
End the shame of the "shoulds."

Cultivate love. 

Remember, shame is the fear of disconnection...

Be authentic and true to yourself,
connect authentically.





Brene Brown - Daring Greatly


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Nourishing or Diminishing Our Spirit

8/14/2015

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In Jennifer Louden's book, The Life Organizer, she writes,
"Where is the line between pleasure or comfort and numbing?" 
Louden has named our numbing devices as "Shadow Comforts." 

When we are anxious, disconnected, vulnerable, alone, and feeling helpless,
the booze and pills and food and 
work and endless hours online feel like comfort,
but in reality

they are only casting their long shadows over our lives.

"It's not what you do, it's why you do it," says Louden. 
This invitation is to think about the intention behavior of our choices
and to discuss these issues with family, close friends or a helping professional.
 


You can eat a piece of chocolate cake - as a wonderful slice of sweetness,
or you can cram an entire piece of cake
into your mouth without even tasting it

in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself
---- a shadow comfort. 
I bet you have done this before, for I know I have!

Again, "It's not what you do; it's why you do it," comes to mind. 
Ultimately this is a question about what we know
about ourselves and how we feel. 

It's about our spirit.  "Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit,
or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions
ultimately diminishing my spirit?

Are my choices leading me to wholeheartedness
or do they leave me feeling empty and searching? 
This requires self examination and reflection. 

These questions transcend what we know
and how we feel --

they are about our spirit.


Sitting down to a wonderful meal is nourishment and pleasure. 


Eating while I am standing, be it in front of the refrigerator or inside the pantry,
is always a red flag.

Sitting down to watch one of my favorite shows on television is pleasure. 
Flipping through the channels for an hour is numbing. 
Pause and think about what behavior
is more nourishing to your spirit.





Brene Brown - Daring Greatly.

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Do I Meet My Needs?

8/13/2015

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The Eight Psychological Needs

Security
Self-Worth
Fun
Faith
Freedom
Belonging
Health
Purpose

How do I meet my needs? 
Am I in Balance?


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    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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