Adult irrationality is often the result of childhood frustrations.
Given that we are who we are, with whatever hang-ups and repressions,

what can we do to improve our future?

To overcome the anxieties and depressions of contemporary life,
individuals must become independent of the social environment
to the degree that they no longer respond
exclusively in terms of its rewards and punishments.

To achieve such autonomy, a person has to learn to provide rewards to himself or herself.  One has to develop the ability to find enjoyment and purpose regardless of external circumstances. 
This challenge is both easier and more difficult than it sounds
easier
because the ability to do so
is entirely within each person's
hands;
difficult because
it requires a discipline and perseverance that are relatively rare in any era,

and perhaps especially in the present.

And before all else, achieving control over experiences requires a drastic change in attitude about   what is important to one and what is not.

We grow up believing that what counts most in life is that which will
occur in the future.  At the end of the long struggle for achievements in our lives, the golden years of retirement beckon. 

"We are always getting to live,"
as Ralph Waldo Emerson used to say,
"but never living."

The most important step in emancipating oneself from social controls/rewards when one has fully achieved, gradually become free of societal rewards and learn how to substitute for them rewards that are under one's own powers. 

This is not to say that we should abandon every goal endorsed by society;
rather it means that, in addition to or instead of
the goals others use to bribe us with,
we develop a set of our own.

CAUTION: DO NOT BE PERCEIVED AS WEAK! 
Boys are issued this message when they are small.
Men, just like women, are caught in their own double bind.  Scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture,
"the never have enough syndrome," and it's not just "don't be perceived as weak," it's
"you better be great and powerful!"

We ask men to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we pleased with them to tell us when they are afraid, but the truth is, that most women can't stomach it.  In these moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.  And men are very smart.  They know the risks and they see the look in our eyes when we are thinking, "C'mon!  Pull it together. Man up!"

Not to oversimplify something as complex as the response to shame,
but when it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: 
pissed off or shut down. 

Like women, men develop shame resilience, this changes,
and men learn to respond to shame
with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy. 

But without awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness,
they normally respond
with anger and/or by completely turning off. 

I asked another therapist,
a man, about the concept of
"pissed off or shut down, "
he told me this story to illustrate the point.

When he was a freshman in high school, he tried out and made the football team.  On the first day of practice, his coach told the boys to line up on the line of scrimmage.  The therapist had grown up playing a lot of football in his neighborhood, but this was his first experience on a field, in full pads, across from boys whose goal was to flatten him. 

He said, "I was suddenly afraid. 
I was thinking about how much it was going to hurt,
and I guess that fear showed up on my face."

He said his coach yelled his last name and said,
"Don't be a pussy!  Get on the line!" 
He said he immediately felt shame coursing through his body. 

"In that single moment, I became very clear about how the world works
and what it means to be a man."

I am not allowed to be afraid.
I am not allowed to show fear.
I am not allowed to be vulnerable.
Shame is being afraid,
showing fear or being vulnerable.

When I asked him what he did next, he looked me in the eye and said,
"I turned my fear into rage and steamrolled over the guy in front of me. 
It worked so well that I spent the next twenty years
turning my fear and vulnerability
into rage and steamrolling anyone who was across from me. 
My wife.  My children.  My employees. 
There was no other way out from underneath the fear and shame."

Shame resilience --- is about finding a middle path.
An option that allows us to stay engaged
and to find the emotional courage
we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
Teach our boys and men
authenticity,
vulnerability which takes courage
and the ability to find their honest voice.



Daring Greatly - Brene Brown

In Jennifer Louden's book, The Life Organizer, she writes,
"Where is the line between pleasure or comfort and numbing?" 
Louden has named our numbing devices as "Shadow Comforts." 

When we are anxious, disconnected, vulnerable, alone, and feeling helpless,
the booze and pills and food and 
work and endless hours online feel like comfort,
but in reality
they are only casting their long shadows over our lives.

"It's not what you do, it's why you do it," says Louden. 
This invitation is to think about the intention behavior of our choices
and to discuss these issues with family, close friends or a helping professional. 

You can eat a piece of chocolate cake - as a wonderful slice of sweetness,
or you can cram an entire piece of cake
into your mouth without even tasting it
in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself
---- a shadow comfort. 
I bet you have done this before, for I know I have!

Again, "It's not what you do; it's why you do it," comes to mind. 
Ultimately this is a question about what we know
about ourselves and how we feel. 

It's about our spirit.  "Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit,
or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions
ultimately diminishing my spirit?

Are my choices leading me to wholeheartedness
or do they leave me feeling empty and searching? 
This requires self examination and reflection. 
These questions transcend what we know
and how we feel --
they are about our spirit.

Sitting down to a wonderful meal is nourishment and pleasure. 

Eating while I am standing, be it in front of the refrigerator or inside the pantry,
is always a red flag.

Sitting down to watch one of my favorite shows on television is pleasure. 
Flipping through the channels for an hour is numbing. 
Pause and think about what behavior
is more nourishing to your spirit.




Brene Brown - Daring Greatly.