Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Self Compassion ~ Honor & Accept Your Humanness.

4/29/2016

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself.

Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are.

Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals.

This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us.
The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

The three aspects of self-compassion:

Self-kindness. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Common humanity. Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.

Mindfulness. Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This balanced stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective.

Start a New Story.

4/27/2016

I have so many moments in my past that
I beat myself up about over again and again.
And the majority of them are stories of me saying something stupid,
doing something awful or any combination in between.

Yet I go over them, over and over,
until the path to those thoughts becomes worn down and easy to travel.
I find myself going through them without even actively trying.

It brings me no joy,
makes happiness retreat in the opposite direction
and can be so tiresome.
But what we did
and who were
in the past are just stories.

They only exist as ideas in the present
and belong as much to us as anybody elses story does.

We are who we are at this moment
and who we become in the future
starts right now.

Step by step,
moment by moment,
choice by choice.

Of course we need to take responsibility for past actions
if they have had a negative effect or caused harm
that needs repairing,
but for things we can’t change,
and chapters that have ended,
we can let the path
to those thoughts
grow back over
and leave them behind.
Start a new story.

"I am here aren't I?" "Then why do I feel so alone?"

4/21/2016

Attachment styles line up neatly with the basic way we see ourselves and others.

These "mental models" shape the way we regulate our emotions, and they guide our expectations in love relationships, assigning meaning to our partner's actions.

A person's basic attachment style is formed in childhood.

Secure, the optimal attachment style develops naturally when we grow up knowing that we can count on our main caregiver to be accessible and responsive to us.
We learn to reach for closeness when we need it,
trusting that we will be offered comfort and caring much of the time.

This loving contact is a touchstone, helping us to calm ourselves and find our emotional balance. We feel comfortable with closeness and needing others and aren't consumed by worry that we will be betrayed or abandoned. Our behavior says, in essence,
"I know I need you and you need me.
And that is okay. In fact, it's great.
So let's reach out to each other and get close."

Some of us, however, had early caregivers who were unpredictably or inconsistently responsive, neglectful, or even abusive. As a result, we tend to develop one of the two so-called insecure strategies ---anxious or avoidant---
that automatically turn on when we (or our partners) need connection.

If we have an anxious style, our emotions are ramped up; we are inclined to worry that we will be abandoned, and so we habitually seek closeness and ask for proof that we are loved.
It's as if we are saying,
"Are you there? Are you? Show me. I can't be sure. Show me again."

If we have an avoidant style we tend to tramp down our emotions so as to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to, or depend on others. We shut down our attachment longings and try to evade real connection. We are apt to see other people as a source of danger not safety or comfort. Our attitude seems to be, "I don't need you to be there for me. I am fine whatever you do."

Knowing how attachment works means that we are not in foreign territory when we find ourselves estranged from or enraged by the person we were convinced to be "the one" and now we view as a stranger or the enemy.
A loved one can physically be present but emotionally absent.

Both as children and adults, we need a readily accessible and responsive loved one to feel secure in our bond.

This point is captured in a common exchange between lovers:
"I am here, aren't I? Don't I do things for you? "
"Then why do I feel so alone?"

Sue Johnson - Love Sense

Emotions Inform.

4/20/2016

Our emotions are a cue to what is happening inside.
Emotions are a rapid appraisal or perception, and expression.
The body becomes aroused.
The pre-frontal cortex comes on line and
says, "What does this mean?"
Typically there is an action tendency.
Emotions tell you what you need and what is important.
The meanings prime you into action.
Cues are relayed in the face and body.
Slow it down.
That is the key to understanding your emotions.
Pause,
So you may understand.
Be curious.
Your emotions inform you.
Notice your emotions.

The Loss of Ourselves in Addiction is the Loss of Identity.

4/18/2016

We use alcohol, drugs, relationships to escape our feelings.
To hide from our pain.
To numb.
To be 'good enough.'
Once we put down 'our drug of choice'
we get to look at who we really are,
and how do we find ourselves that we have lost,
or perhaps never discovered?

The loss of ourselves in addiction is the loss of identity.
The loss of ourselves in our family roles is the loss of identity.
Self esteem disappears.
Life focus is externalized.
To meet our needs we tried to read
what other people want/or expect us to be.

This doesn't work - eventually we resent them.
We internally feel we lose our chance to succeed in life.
We lost our ability of choice to our addiction.

Success in life - is to be able to choose who we are.
Living the life that is ours is spirituality.
When you notice what other people need,
you don't notice how you feel.
In dysfunctional families,
Self neglect is survival in childhood.

In a family system that is dysfunctional,
alcohol, drugs, abuse,
we become reactors
and loose the abilities "to notice what I need".
We learn denial.
The addictive message of our culture
is the 'magic fix' by 'finding someone else' rather than self.
Only way to happiness is with the self.

You can learn to heal.
Stay in the moment, the day.
Acceptance of who you are, identify what you need.
Understand your feelings,
identify them. Clarify them.
Be curious.
A feeling is only part of us, a feeling informs us.
It has a beginning, a middle and and end.

Get hugs.
Learn how to talk to people with your heart and head.
Stay out of judgement,
especially self judgement.
Taking care of yourself is the healing of self.
What would improved self esteem look like?
What do you need today?
Check in.
Notice all parts of yourself.

Body/mind/emotion/ spirit.
List your needs for today to honor yourself.

Focusing on the Present Yields Patience.

4/16/2016

When we look through a tinted window, we see a tinted world.
In this way, when we are looking through the lens of the past, we cannot see anything as it truly is now at this moment.

This includes ourselves, others, the entire world. Most people have developed a habit of actually using their past experiences determine the value of what is occurring in the present. In doing so they miss the essence of what they are experiencing.

Today we look towards developing the skill of being open to the true nature of who or what is in front of us. The result will be a clear feeling of being more alive and awake in your life.

To be patient is to see all things though the perception of the present moment. To accurately perceive another person you must see them only as they are now. And this is equally true when looking at ourselves.

When we become impatient, we are, in fact, viewing life through past experiences or in anticipation of future ones. We are judging that the present moment should be different than it is rather than joyfully accepting life's unfolding.

The truth is that the "past has no reality in the present." Yet most of us consider it natural to use our past as the reference point in viewing the present. We believe it is natural to try to control the future in order to make our lives safe. Yet this idea is actually very unnatural. It is delusional. To understand patience we must look upon ourselves and other with no reference to the past. Then we will be able to learn from what we see.

Peace will be ours today as we focus upon the present.
Patience is the miracle that occurs when we stop seeing the past and future as our only reality. We are fearful and controlling when we anticipate the future on the sole basis of our past experience. The result is always a conflicted mind. In contrast, when we allow the present moment to rise above the past and the future, we give ourselves freedom. We sever the chains that hold us back.

Patience is the opposite of condemnation. They cannot occur at the same time. Today focus on the present moment and find that patience brings you peace of mind.

The Lessons of Patience

Whoever is in front of you is your teacher. We are all teachers and students to one another.

Each moment you spend with another person is a precious gift. When you are with one person, try not to think you should be with someone else or someplace else.

Look to the heart of a person rather than to their behavior. Heart to heart communication can transcend any impatience that you may have.

Be gentle with yourself and you will move much further.

Spend some time walking when you could run, sitting silently when you could stand and stew. heal when you could harm. In these things you will find patience for yourself and others.

You are responsible to you and your own well-being first, and others second!

4/14/2016

Codependency is the dependence on the needs of or control of another.
It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

Codependency may also be characterized by denial,
low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.

The Five Core Symptoms of Codependency
1.   Neglecting your own needs
2.   No or Few Boundaries
3.   Owning your own reality
4.   Low Self Esteem
5.   Black and White Thinking

1.   Neglecting Our Own Needs and Wants. All people have needs, children as well as adults. A child must have his or her needs met initially by his or her major caregiver, or parent. When this happens children are taught how to take care of each need they have when they become adults.
Codependents have had confusing messages as children and not have had their needs and wants met appropriately by their caregivers or parents. Their needs were not met, perhaps ignored or denied.
A codependent’s needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low
self-esteem when having a need or want.
Sometimes the need or want has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.

This shame likely originated at multiple times when, as children, they were neglected by a caregiver or parent. An example of such abuse is in scolding the child for having a need or want. Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.   Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness in a child and low self-esteem and trusting one’s own feelings as an adult.

2.   Difficulty Setting or Respecting Boundaries. An external boundary is about our distance to other people and being in the space of others and others are in our space. An internal boundary protects our thinking, feeling, and keeps our behavior functional. Some people call internal boundaries walls.
A person who has no boundaries cannot be aware or sensitive to the boundaries of others.   Codependents demonstrate the boundaries that their parents had.
If the parent’s boundaries were nonexistent,
the children usually do not develop any boundaries.

3. Owning Our Own Reality. Children, who come from dysfunctional families where they are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for their reality, learn that it is not appropriate or safe to express their reality. When these children grow up, they have difficulty as adults experiencing and owning their own reality since it was denied as children.
Thus, these adult codependents may not even recognize their own needs and wants.
They have been taught to be aware and meet the needs and wants of others.

4. Low self esteem. Codependents usually experience difficulty with self-esteem and in one of two different extremes. Either an extreme low self-esteem or the extremes of
feeling superior to others, (you think you are set apart and superior to other people).
A codependent often looks towards other to meet their needs.
Their needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low self-esteem
when having a need or want. Sometimes the need or want
has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.
An example of such abuse is scolding the child for having a need or want.
Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.
Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness
in a child and low self-esteem as an adult.

5. Black and White Thinking. Not knowing how to be moderate
is a visible symptom of codependency.
Codependents think in terms of black and white, good or bad, all or nothing.

Codependent Relationships
Codependency is addiction to a relationship.
A codependent tries so hard to “fix” or “save” someone else
that his/her own life is left in turmoil.
No one can control anyone else-----other people’s troubles
are mostly due to patterns only they can change so trying to change
those leads to one painful disappointment after another!

There are reasons we’re drawn to new relationships in which we try harder to solve our partner’s problems than they do. These patterns are often from having to have grown up with parents or others adults who suffered from alcoholism, other drug addiction, or other addictive disorders or family dysfunction and may echo our childhood relationships with those adults.

Codependent Survival
Moving from little or no esteem to esteeming ourselves in a healthy ways, feels unfamiliar, for we are used to telling ourselves that we are being arrogant, or when we set boundaries that we are being distant. Put more energy into loving yourself than you do into trying to love others. Learning how to love yourself is at the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

Your feelings are o.k., your reaction to them may not be.
Learn to make this distinction. Healthy systems of support will validate your feelings and will offer you guidance on how to constructively deal with your feelings.
Nobody recovers perfectly!
Human beings sometimes make mistakes and have relapses.
Healthy systems of support allow for mistakes and encourage
you to embrace your imperfections in order to learn what you need to learn!

Remember, in the face of all this discomfort that:
You are responsible to you and
your own well-being first,and others second!

This will be against your past learning and training,
but it is important to know that you can care about others
without having to take care of them!

You may need to also feel the anxiety as you make these changes.
You may need to
– just stand the anxiety – as everybody around you is reacting.

Facing Codependency - Pia Melody

Finding Inner Peace

4/13/2016

1. Simplify.
“The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace.
A persistent simplification will create an inner
and outer well-being that places harmony in one’s life.”
Peace Pilgrim.

2. Accept.
“Acceptance of others, their looks, their behaviors,
their beliefs, bring you an
inner peace and tranquility – instead of anger and resentment.”
Unknown

When you accept what is
you stop feeding energy
into resisting what is.

You don’t make a problem more powerful and sticky in your mind.
Instead, somewhat counter intuitively,
when you accept what is it loses much of its power.
It just is.

And you feel stillness inside.
Now, accepting what is doesn’t mean to give up.
It just means that you put yourself in a
better position take action if necessary.
Because now you can see more clearly, you can focus your energy
towards what you want and
take the appropriate action to change your situation.

3. Forgive.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.
Forgiveness is letting go of the past,
and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”
Gerald Jampolsky

Forgiveness is important because
as long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person.
Your thoughts will return to the person
who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again.
The emotional link between the two of you is
so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil –
most often in other people around you too.
When you forgive you do not only release the other person.
You set yourself free too
from all of that agony.

4. Do what you enjoy.
“Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy.
If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself,
you’ll have inner peace.
And if you have that, along with physical health,
you’ll have more success than you could possibly have imagined.”
Roger Caras

When you do what you enjoy
there is a natural peace that arises within.
You are in alignment with your outer world.
This also leads
to a lot more success
than if you have a lot of inner turmoil
and really don’t care that much for your work.

5. Be careful with your inner peace.
“Never be in a hurry;
do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.
Do not lose your inner peace
for anything whatsoever,
even if your whole world seems upset.”
St. Francis

Am I Willing to Heal Today?

4/11/2016

The decision to heal is a moment-by-moment choice.

You take one small step forward, you commit to one particular action, and then you take a second step. By saying yes in the moment to the immediate task at hand, you gradually build your commitment to heal: "Yes, I will go to therapy today and be present." or
"Yes, this morning when I need to reach out,
I will call a friend."

If you see yourself at the center of your own healing process, able to make decisions and choices about what happens to you,
it is easier to make the commitment to heal.
Knowing that you are in control that you won't be forced to do anything against your will,
is crucial to feeling safe in your feelings and your coping,
as you heal.

If you are in the early stages of the healing process, you may be too inundated with memories and feelings of your past behaviors and find it difficult to heal.
You slowly learn new coping skills and
start making choices about healing.

Ultimately, you will realize that you have a choice about your healing process and be able to ask yourself, "Am I willing to go one step further in trusting this person?"
"Am I willing to go one step further to share my feelings
with a friend or support person or therapist?"
Making frightening risks about sharing your feelings is part of the healing process.

One step at a time.
Think of these questions to ask yourself.
Am I willing to take a risk with my feelings and share them?

What is the worst that could happen, could I be blamed or
condemned if I share my feelings to this person?
Am I willing to do one more exercise to take a step further in my healing?
Am I willing to schedule one thing a day just for fun, for pleasure, just for me?
Am I willing to take one risk today?
Am I willing to be uncomfortable just once today for the sake of healing?
Am I willing to heal today?

Willingness is not a static thing.
It is a decision made in the moment, by checking in with yourself
and paying attention to what you really feel.

Over and over again, many times a day, you can ask yourself,
"Am I willing...?"

Love Does Not Have to be a Scary Proposition.

4/6/2016

Strong emotion is the essence of love---
and strong emotion is what has given love a bad rap.

We do not understand intense emotion, and we do not trust it. We want the joy and elation love brings. they life us up out of our dull, mundane routines and make us feel alive and significant. But we abhor the fear and anger and sadness that also attend love. They drop us into deep pits of desolation and despair and make us feel helpless and out of control.

As Freud remarked many years ago,
"We are never so vulnerable as we are when we are in love."
If we do not understand the intense emotion that love engenders, then love will always be a scary proposition.

What is amazing today is the new research reveals about the impact of emotion in our closest relationships. The message is that we are supposed to be in total control of our emotions before we turn towards others. Love yourself first, then another will love you.

"For humans," say psychologist Ed Ronick of the University of Massachusetts, "the maintenance of emotional balance is a two person collaborative process."

In other words we are designed to deal with emotion in concert with another person---not by ourselves.

Love relationships are not meant to be 'joyrides; they are also restorative and balancing meeting places where negative emotions are calmed and regulated. It is a little like the old adage, "two hearts are better than one;" and indeed they are. By "contact comfort" is meant by moving close to another person, the impact of every risk or threat is reduced.

Learning to love and be loved, is in effect, about learning to tune in to our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner and expressing those desire openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her. When this support helps us balance our emotions---staying in touch with but not being flooded by them---we can then tune in to and sensitively respond to our partner in return.

Once we are balanced, theorist John Bowlby calls, "effectively dependent" we can call to others and respond to their call in a way that makes us and our connection with them stronger. We can turn to the world and move in it with flexibility, open to learning and able to look at the choices available to us in any situation.

Sue Johnson - Love Sense