Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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"We-ness"  Marriage's Staying Power.

12/29/2015

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By building togetherness and autonomy,
putting together a shared vision
of how you want to
spend your lies together

- is constructing
the psychological identify
of the marriage
as an entity in itself.


The adolescent and the young adult are fundamentally
"me-centered." 

A person at this stage in their development
is chiefly engaged
in establishing his or her identity
separate from the family of origin.


Building the new,
his or her identity of a marriage

requires a shift from the
"I" of emancipated adult
to a solid and lastin
g

"we." 

At the same time the sense of
"we-ness"
has to include room
for the autonomy of each partner. 

In couples
who divorce this

"we-ness"
is often weak or absent all together.


"We-ness"
gives marriage
it's staying power
in the face of
life's inevitable frustrations and temptations
to run away or stray. 


It also give the partners a sense
that they constitute a sovereign country
in which
they make all the rules. 


Marriage commands loyalty and
is worth defending
requires each partner to
relinquish self-centeredness

and to sacrifice a portion
of his or her autonomy. 


In a good marriage
the new identity is built
on a solid foundation of
love and empathy.
 

Each person must learn to identify with the other,
and both together to identify with their marriage. 
The couples decisions now reflect what is best for him,
what is best for her,
and what is best for the marriage. 


Happy couples seem to carry
the image of the marriage
as a separate presence
that required
continuing attention and nurture,

like a healthy garden. 

They say things like,
"What we both need
and
what the marriage needs
is
more time together."






Taken from, "The Good Marriage" Wallerstein & Blakeslee

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Feelings By Nature; Both Pleasant and Painful.

12/28/2015

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Working with primary feelings is a
direct route to enlightenment,
explained a colleague
.

The stream of primary feelings is always with us,
but we often have the mistaken notion
that life is not supposed to be this way. 
We secretly believe that if we can act just right,
then our stream of feelings will

always be pleasant
and there will be no pain,
no loss.


So when a painful experience arises
we often try to get rid of it,
and when a pleasant experience arises we try to grasp it.

When a neutral experiences arises we tend to ignore it.
We seem to be wanting the right (pleasant) feelings
and trying to avoid the wrong (painful) feelings.

When they are unpleasant we react endlessly
struggling to "get it right."


As we become wiser,
we realize that fixing the
flow of feelings doesn't work.
 
Primary feelings are simply feelings,
and every day consists of thousands
of pleasant, painful, and neutral moments,

for you and the rest of the world. 


What a relief it was to hear people
who seemed quite happy
speak the truth so clearly

-- the reality of life --
is that life is difficult and painful,  just by it's nature,

not because we are doing it wrong!





Taken from "Wise Heart" Jack Kornfield




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Forming Faith in My World

12/27/2015

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A newborn infant cannot see its mother or father,
yet that baby trusts that they are there. 


This is the beginning of a

child's formation of faith and trust. 

If a child grows up in a family
where one or both of the parents
cannot be present because of an addiction,

which can be drugs, alcohol, a career, codependent relationships,
that child has difficulty with trust. 

Most importantly, that child has difficulty in believing in themselves. 
How does a child trust other people in the world
when they cannot trust their own parents
to take care of their needs?


It is important to believe in qualities that are not tangible
even if one had to grow up without those beliefs. 
In recovery from my own difficult years as that child,

I need faith today. 

I need to know that life can be better,
that I do not need to live, alone, in pain and fear of the unknown. 
Life can be gentle and powerful
and

filled with joy and potential.

I can contemplate the unseen wonders of the world.
I can revel in the power of the ocean,
  the stillness of the sunset

and be safe in those moments.

I can marvel at the planets that revolve without colliding. 
I can consider the unseen

power of love
that transforms life.


Today I can open myself to the possibility of faith. 
Faith in myself
and faith in my world.



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Letting Go of My Past, Embracing My New Freedom.

12/22/2015

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The steam engine chugs down the track, moving the train forward,
leaving the past behind. 

As I sit in one of the passenger seats,
I look out of the window, thinking about what has been left behind. 
Some thoughts remind me of the baggage cluttered around my feet. 
It is difficult to travel through life with all this baggage. 
It's time to lighten my load
by getting rid of the things
I no longer need.


Moving to the rear of the train,
I struggle with a bag stuffed with attitudes from my family of origin. 
I struggle with my need to take care of
everyone I meet and

my willingness to manipulate others. 

I stand in the caboose and lift the bag
high enough to clear the railing. 
With a might heave, I throw the bag off the train

and I am free.

When I call upon my adult self,
I can clear out all my useless baggage.


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To Live and Love with Our Whole Hearts

12/13/2015

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Engage with the world from a place of worthiness.
Embrace your vulnerabilities and imperfections.
Feel a deep sense of love and compassion towards yourself and others.
Value hard work, perseverance, and respect.
Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with you,
rather than searching for it in external places.

Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative.
Feelings are a part of life, as is struggle and fear. 
Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit.
Live from of a place of, "I am enough."
Dare greatly,
possibly more than you have ever dared before.



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From Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

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Listening is a Gift.

12/9/2015

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Listening is a magnetic and strange thing,
a creative force.

The friends who listen to us
are the ones we move toward.
 

We want to sit in their radius. 
When we are listened to,

it creates us,
makes us unfold and expand.

We all need a place to vent our emotions,
a place to talk.
When we do not have this,
we live in our heads too much,
things get out of proportion.

We loose our perspective.

It is so important to have
positive and loving people
in your life to talk to and
with whom to share.

In the safety of good friends,
we are able to release
what we have been holding inside,
freeing ourselves from negativity and fear.

This frees us to be more open and grow.

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Practicing Forgiveness

12/4/2015

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For everyone of us practicing forgiveness
is vital
for the healing of our hearts
so that we become willing to open up to an even
greater level of connection with ourselves. 


Love is the sacred source of our wellspring of our courage and our confidence. 
It is love that transports us to a place where our hearts are pure,
where we are not holding anything against anyone
because we know that the universe has brought us
the perfect people and experiences
for our own evolution.


Although we 'know' that all of our experiences
are ultimately leading us to open up and love,
this conclusion is one we must finally reach with
our hearts, not our heads.
 


When we are holding on to
any grudge, any resentment, any anger, any blame, any guilt,
any regret, any judgement, any bitterness, any disappointment
and self righteousness, any hater or any revenge it
becomes a barrier between
us and our loving hearts.

When we are blocked from heartful compassion,
we are unable to be fully loving. 
Our resentments keep us with one foot stuck in the past. 
If were are going to move forward with love,
as human beings of courage, strength, and power,
we cannot let incidents from our past bring us down. 
We must release others--
and most important,
ourselves--from the prisons of our past.


"We see these things as horrific experiences,
terrible experiences, experiences of emotional pain,
when in truth they are really enlightened experiences
because they help us be who we are."
      James Va Praagh

Holding grudges and blaming are acts of the ego. 
in each moment is the choice we make
to align either with our ego or the
with the love. 
As our heart open, we step into grace and
flow of miracles that life is offering us,
which is when we listen,
is never ending.








Debbie Ford - Courage


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    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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