The purpose of "Find the Bad Guy Fight" is self protection but the main move is mutual attack, accusation, or blame. 

The starting cue for this pattern of responses is that we are hurt by or feel vulnerable with our partner and become suddenly out of control.  Emotional safety is lost.

When we are alarmed, we use anything that promises to give us back this control.  We can do this by defining our partner in a negative way, by shining a black light on him or her.  We can attack to reactive anger or as a preemptive strike.

"Find the Bad Guy" could just as easily called, "Its You Not Me, Its You."  When we feel cornered and flooded with fear, we tend to see and go with the obvious.  I can see and I can feel what you just did to me.  It is much harder to see the impact of my responses on you.  We concentrate on each step and how "you just stepped on me," not the whole dance. 

After a while, the steps and patterns become automatic.
Couples become stuck and unresolved. 

Once we get stuck in a negative pattern, we expect it, watch for it, and react even faster when we think we see it coming.  Of course this only reinforces the pattern.


"I am waiting for the put down and I have my verbal gun ready," shares one client.

By being wary and anticipating hurt, we close off all the ways out of the dead-end dance.  We cannot relax with our partners, and we certainly cannot connect with or confide in them.  The range of responses and habitual feed back loop becomes more restricted, slowly deadening the relationship.

Stopping "The Bad Guy Dance" is the first step to becoming best friends again. 

These questions and reflections can hep you think about how you and your mate move in the dance when both of you get caught in the fight-to-win mode. 
You can ponder them, write them down, read them aloud, and, of course share them with your partner.

See if you can remember an incident with your spouse or partner. 

What did you use to "win" the fight?
How did you prove your innocence?
How did you accuse your partner?
What are your usual comebacks when you feel cornered?
Can you sketch out the hostile criticism and labeling that trapped you both?
How did each of you begin to defend he other?
How did each of you wound and enrage the other?
Was there a "winner"? (Probably not).
What happened after the "Bad Guy" fight?
Were you able to go back and console each other?
If not, how did you deal with the loss of safety between you?
How did you feel about yourself and your partner?

What do you think might have happened if you had said, "We are starting to label each other, to prove the other one is the bad one here.  We are jut getting to hurt more if we get stuck in this dance.  Let's  not get caught in an attack-attack dance with each other.  Maybe we can talk about what happened without it being someone's fault?"

















Taken from the book, Hold Me Tight
Dr. Sue Johnson

So important in a partnership or marriage is the ability to construct a union strong enough to withstand the inevitable, acute, and ongoing stresses of life.

Good marriages that have maintained their integrity and staying power and did so because they were built of sturdy materials and were reinforced over the years as the challenges of life appeared. 

It is in the lifetime process of building that distinguishes good marriages and the people in them.

I have found 9 tasks that contribute to an ongoing and sturdy relationship:

1. To separate emotionally from the family of one's childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and, at the same time, to re-define the lines of connection (and identify boundaries) with both families of origin.

2. To build togetherness by creating the intimacy that supports it while carving out each partner's autonomy.  These issues are central throughout the marriage but loom especially large at the outset, at the midlife and at retirement.

3. To embrace the daunting roles of parents and to absorb the impact of Her/His Majesty, The Baby and the mighty entrance.  At the same time the couple must work to protect their privacy.

4. To confront and master the inevitable crisis of life, maintaining the strength of the bond in the face of adversity.

5. To create a safe haven for the protection of differences, anger, and conflict.

6. To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the interruptions of the workplace and family obligations.

7. To use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests, and friends.

8. To provide nurturance, and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner's needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.

9. To keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love while facing the sober realities of the changes brought by time.










Taken from the book, The Good Marriage
Wallerstein & Blakeslee

Some individuals who do not feel secure in their close relationships have attachment distress.
When partners feel some 'relationship threat' it is difficult to feel secure.

Relationship threats that plague many are the fear that:

"I will let you down or disappoint you."
"I will evoke your anger."
"I am unworthy of your love."
"I do not deserve you."
"You won't be there for me when I need you."
"You will eventually get fed up with me and leave."

These are attachment threats.  Attachment threats may be experienced because of unreliable or hurtful behavior in the relationship.  However, it could also exist because of anxiety experienced in earlier relationships for one or both individuals that is reinforced by behavior in the current relationship. 

When fear revolves around attachment threats there are two basic behavioral tendencies we typically see.  Some people make their distress more visible by "turning it up."  People who turn down their distress typically do so by avoiding emotions or hated interactions and withdrawing from an interacting when feeling threatened.  People who turn up their visibility tend to move toward their relationship partners when threatened by irritating contact and attempting to get through to them any way they can.


For couples, anxiety is a troubled form of distress that can have problematic implications for the relationship.  Fortunately, if the specific threat or fear that is fueling the anxiety can be identified, anxiety  can settle down 

When people are able to express fears directly and experience their partner's sincere reassurance, the threat and attachment distress can diminish.










Taken from Emotionally Focused Workbook
Katios-Lilly & Fitzgerald