Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Attachment Styles Persist in our Adult Love Relationships

3/29/2015

The basic concept in forming a
deep mutual bond with another
is the first imperative of the human species.
Life at it's best is essentially a series of excursions
from the safety of a secure relationship
out into the uncertainty of the greater world.

These bonds began for each of us as babies.
The type of attachment we experienced with our mothers emerge
when we have developed that relationship of a safe haven.

The type of emotional connection that is developed between the two
dictates how the child can comfort, calm themselves, and return to the safe haven
of their world when an absence of the mother or threat of being alone occurs.

The need to for close emotional and physical contact with loved ones has become part of the air we breathe. The need to be close to a few precious others, to attach, and this attachment persists through life and in the force that shape our
adult love relationships.

The four elements of attachment are considered to be the norm
and universal occurring in relationships across cultures.

We seek out, monitor, and try to maintain emotional and physical connection with our loved ones. Throughout life, we rely on them to be emotionally accessible,
responsive, and engaged with us.

We reach out for our loved ones particularly when we are uncertain, threatened, anxious, or upset. Contact with them gives us a sense of having a safe haven, where we will find comfort and emotional support;
this sense of safety teaches us
how to regulate our own emotions and
how to connect with and trust others.

We miss our loved ones and become extremely upset when they are physically or emotionally remote; this separation anxiety can become intense and incapacitating.
Isolation is inherently traumatizing for human beings.

We depend on our loved ones to support us emotionally an be a secure base as we venture into the world and learn and explore. The more we sense that we are effectively connected,
the more autonomous and separate we can be.

Studies from theorist John Bowlby have confirmed that our need
to attach continues beyond childhood
and also establish that
romantic love is an attachment bond.

At every age human beings habitually seek and maintain
physical and emotional closeness with at least
one particular irreplaceable other.

We especially seek out this person when we feel stressed, unsure, or anxious.
We are just hardwired this way.

Dr. Sue Johnson ~ Love Sense

Wise Speech

3/27/2015

The greater our facility with language, the more temping it can be to try to control situations through our words. Insults and sarcasm can intimidate others, and someone who's very verbally gifted may use these techniques to manipulate others in a subtle or not so subtle way.

This behavior is particularly common when someone's in a crisis and feels threatened.
Gossip unfairly gives us power over others.
Left-handed compliments designed to make someone doubt himself or herself and feel weak,
or carefully constructed insults designed to humiliate another person while preventing him from recognizing that he is being ridiculed publicly,
are common weapons in the arsenal of one who doesn't exercise wise speech.

Wise speech, a wholesome response to changes that are out of your control, requires mindful attention to the power of your words and messages underneath them.

Recognize that your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language matter,
and drop any defensiveness that arises in you when someone points out the discrepancy between the literal meaning of your words and
the message you are sending with your eyes, crossed arms, or disrespectful tone.

Wise speech has nothing to do with how cleverly we can use words to hurt or intimidate others and establish power.
It requires speaking with honesty and respect for the listener and ourselves, and trusting that a wholesome interaction will lead to a positive outcome.

Direct, honest communication can be very uncomfortable and even painful,
especially if you are not used to engaging in it, but wise speech is vital if you want to have
more productive, more respectful conversations.

When we cultivate wise speech, we do not fear saying something wrong.
However, we are more attuned to the quality of our words and their effect on others.

To speak the truth respectfully and be heard, one must let go of your desire to pressure others into doing what you want.
At some point, you may discern that no matter how often you say the same thing with kindness, honesty and compassion, you will never affect the other person the way you would like.

Part of wise speech is letting go of your attachment
to having your words change the way others think, feel, or behave.

Pause. Think. Speak with honesty and respect.
Wise Speech.

Wise Mind Open Mind ~ Alexander

Wise Intention

3/25/2015

To exercise wise intention,
you must be mindful of any propensity
toward allowing your fear to rule you.

When operating from a primitive, fearful state,
everything seems to be a threat to survival,
and the mind begins to justify actions
it otherwise would recognize
as dominating and manipulative.

I have heard many eloquent excuses for being dishonest with a loved one,
violating a confidence,
and secretly sabotaging another person.

Fear can blind us,
and our intention can become selfish,
because we seek to build our sense of
power and security no matter what the cost.

If you have an unwholesome intention
and are consciously choosing
to manipulate others,

you are limiting your own capacity for change
and stunting the creative unfolding of your own life.

Your energy is being wasted on the futile effort
of trying to force the external world to conform to your vision.
The mental and emotional effort required to maintain
a pretense of integrity
when you are secretly lying or cheating is enormous.

Having wise intention is more than merely ethical;
it is necessary for psychological well being and clear thinking.

Wise intention leads to wise action.

To problem solving, solution seeking, and wholesome interaction.
It helps you trust that you will be able to work with others
to create a situation that benefits everyone involved
instead of assuming that you have to hide your motivations
and try to direct the situation from the wings.

Wise View and Wise Intentions are the Foundations of Wisdom.

Wise Mind Open Mind ~ Alexander

Wise View

3/23/2015

As long as you hold on to the view
that you can take charge of a situation
and force it to become tolerable again,
you do not hold wise view.

In a wise view,
you recognize that it is not your job,
nor is it in your power,
to control what happens outside of you.

You understand that instead,
you must control what happens within your own mind.
Then, and only then,
can you stop operating out of
anxiety, fear, insecurity, and distrust,
and instead
allow wholesome emotions
to guide
your thoughts and behaviors.

Awaken Your Sense of Vitality

3/21/2015

Experiencing nature
can awaken in you a sense of vitality and infinity,
which becomes a path
to your core creativity.
Without conscious thought,
you can look up at the astonishing number of stars in the sky
or leaves on a single tree in a forest,
and feel sense of vastness and spaciousness.
As you gaze at the heavens and the ancients observed,
knowing that humanity
throughout history and across continents
has pondered these very stars,
you experience being a part of something larger than yourself
that feels as if
it has always existed and
always will.

Expansiveness,
limitlessness,
and abundance

are all qualities that speak to the right brain,
validating its understanding our own nature.
The self-limiting thoughts
churned up by the rational mind
become dwarfed by
a sense that there are no boundaries
to vitality
and there are countless opportunities
for creative rebirth.

Wise Mind, Open Mind
R. Alexander

No More Domestic Violence!

3/20/2015

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other.
Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
For Example,
A Slap Across the Face is domestic violence!
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.

The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER
You are not alone
It is not your fault
Help is available

National Domestic Violence Help Line
800-799-7233

Life, A Splendid Adventure

3/19/2015

Never forget
that life can be nobly inspired
and rightly lived
if you take it bravely
and gallantly,
as a splendid adventure
in which you are setting out
into an unknown country,
to meet many a joy,
to find many a comrade,
to win and
to love
many a battle.
----Annie Besant

Being Real, Courage is Contagious

3/17/2015

Sometimes choosing to be real over choosing to be liked is all about being unsafe.
It means stepping out of our comfort zone.

Men and women struggle with their opinions, feelings, and beliefs conflict with our culture's gender expectations. Research on attributes that we associate with "being feminine" tells us that some of the most important qualities for women are thin, nice, and modest.
That means if women want to play it totally safe, we have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible.

When looking at attributes associated with masculinity, the researchers found these as important attributes for men, emotional control, primacy of work, control over women, and pursuit of status earning, and give up on meaningful connection.

Authenticity isn't always about the safe option.
Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is not about playing it unsafe.
It means stepping out of our comfort zone.

It is easy to attack and criticize someone while he or she is risk taking---voicing an unpopular opinion or sharing a new creation with the world or trying something new that he or she has not quite mastered.

There is a problem when we do not care at all what people think
and we are immune to hurt, we are also immune to connecting.

Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism.
Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.

Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.

Brene Brown - Gifts of Imperfection

How Do We Go About Finding Our Partners?

3/15/2015

One answer lies in nonverbal communication.
It is the primary language of love.

When we find a person alluring,
the attraction, per se, is not the problem.
The attraction is a delightful feeling,
powerfully reinforced by chemicals, especially dopamine.

Falling in love at first sight often sets the stage
for an old play's rerun.
It surprises most people in love that they must work
more diligently
at resolving the old in order to have the new.

This is unlike people whose relationships develop gradually.
The gradually developing partnerships
may grow more lovingly intimate over time.
This growth happens because the pair
are starting out at a neutral point.

And, think about this.
If the Child within us can find a partner whose
"Need" system corresponds to ours,
then the Child never has to "leave home."
If we never have to leave home, we never have to break free and
we confront zero.

The old song lyric,
"Some Enchanted Evening, you will see a stranger,
across a crowded room,
and suddenly you will know."
This song reflects the power
of this non-verbal communication.

However, the the song lyric,
"I need a girl/guy just like the girl/guy
that married dear old mom/dad."
This lyric is far better to characterize the "stranger."

That is, that stranger from across the room,
is probably like dear old dad or mom.
Funny how we tend to marry who raised us.

The Power of Our Light

3/14/2015

Owning our story can be hard
but not nearly as difficult
as spending our lives running from it.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky
but not really as dangerous
as giving up on love and belonging and joy---
the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.

Only when we are brave enough
to explore the darkness
will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown ~ The Gifts of Imperfection