Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Romantic Relationships & The Power of Empathy

9/27/2016

Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship.
Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.
That’s because empathy requires compassion.
Without compassion, couples can’t develop a bond.
A bond is like glue:
If there is no glue then everything falls apart.

Empathy bridges the divide between being separate individuals
with different backgrounds, feelings and perspectives.
In John Welwood’s book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships,
he defines love as
“a potent blend of openness and warmth,
which allows us to make real contact, to take delight in and appreciate,
to be at one with ourselves, others,
and life itself.”

Without empathy, we can’t make this real contact.
What is Empathy?
There are various definitions of empathy,
and one can separate empathy into three types:
cognitive, emotional and compassionate.

Cognitive empathy is sometimes also referred to as perspective taking.
This is when a person
can imagine how someone is feeling,
but they don’t feel their emotions.

For example:
A husband notices his wife looks upset and asks if she’s OK.
The wife recounts her extra-long commute to work.
He responds with
“Wow, that sounds really frustrating.”
Cognitive empathy allows us
to appreciate someone else’s feelings
without feeling them
or losing sight of whose feelings are whose.

Emotional empathy is when you do feel
the same or similar feelings as the other person.
For instance, you feel the happiness
when you see your partner happy.
Both cognitive and emotional empathy
can be used in negative ways
(e.g. someone might use cognitive empathy to be manipulative;
someone who takes on their partner’s emotions
might become too burned out to support them).

Compassionate empathy is a balance
of positive cognitive and emotional empathy,
which prompts us to take action, as needed.

For instance, a messy partner,
who has compassionate empathy,
can imagine and feel how annoying or even distressing
it is for their partner to deal with their mess,
so they modify their behavior and pick up after themselves.

In other words,
compassionate empathy
is more of a whole person response:
heart, mind and behavior.

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Adult Children of Alcoholics, Addicts, & Dysfunctional Family Systems.

9/25/2016

What is an Adult Child of Alcoholic, Addict or Dysfunctional Family System?

Children need roots or wings to become confident and secure adults who are capable of forming healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Many children of alcoholics and addicts have not been given a secure base from which they venture into the world.

The focus in their developing families was on addiction or neglect or abuse rather than developing the needs of the children.

The shift away from the child’s needs often create shameful and anxious feelings rather than connection to an empathic, encouraging and nurturing parent.

Many of these children live their lives adapting to life rather than living life. Survival becomes more important and often emotional growth and development are unimportant concepts as the child only wishes to get through uncomfortable or negative feelings.

The childhood inheritance becomes one of hiding, hiding fear, insecurity, feeling unlovable, unworthy, and out of control internally, licking their wounds in silence. Many lack self-worth and hid behind a mask of who they really are, often not sure themselves because the focus has been on the substance and the addict and the enabling parent rather than the children.

Many children of alcoholics, addicts, and dysfunctional family systems live their lives feeling like they are hiding behind a mask, that they are imposters often feeling like they are emotionally children at the age of thirty or forty.

The Looking Good Family

The entire family learns to function in a system of alcoholic/addict denial.
It is like living in a home with an elephant in the living room; nobody acknowledges it is there.
The elephant is fed every day. Sometimes it is quiet, funny, loving and pleasant.
Without warning, it loses control. Everyone works to quiet the elephant, each family member feels responsible for its behavior. No one acknowledges that the elephant exists, or talks about what it is like to live with it. Children grow up in pain, doubting their own perceptions, feelings and experience tremendous guilt for not caring for the elephant properly, for not learning to control it and somehow make it happy.
As adults, they think they see an elephant in the livings rooms of their own homes.
The elephant is never discussed … maybe it isn’t here?

The child may, at times, deny that the problem existing in order to alleviate the emotional pain or to take time out from thinking about the situation. All children in stress need
‘an emotional vacation’ and denial is one way to create a ‘time-out!’

Healing and Resiliency

Resiliency is the ability to survive a painful family or traumatic experience with
amazing grace, turning what could be a tragic life experience into gifts of creativity, spirituality, humor, tenacity, compassion, wisdom, and strength.

There are solutions to recreate balance, safety and security back into a life. Many issues in therapy can be resolved to bring back emotional resiliency and trust and self worth.

Some of those may be:
Understanding the normal response to an abnormal life.
Breaking through denial.
Building a cognitive life raft.
Building an emotional safety net – building a relationship with the child within.

Therapy begins with connection filled with the heroism which each individual does not realize. That heroism is that they survived a family system that did not provide all the internal care they needed!

Psychotherapy…is a process by which clients partake on a journey into the unknown, joining therapists in exploring the past, living fully in the present, and becoming the creative authors of the future chapters of their lives.

My Power, To Heal, To Choose, To Learn, To Love & To Dream.

9/22/2016

We are forgetful creatures. Suffice to say that all of our biggest mistakes, whether on a personal or collective level, are born out of forgetting our life lessons rather than out of sheer error of judgment. But our forgetfulness is not limited to our past, recent or distant. We tend to forget who we truly are – right here, right now. We forget our real power, our abilities and the extent of our freedom. In other words, we forget the positive, wonderful and beautiful as much as we forget our faults.

I believe that one of the secrets of life is remembrance and rejoicing who we truly are – to celebrate our humanity as much as our divinity if this strikes and chord with you.
In moments of doubt or despair we have to really bring some of those remembrances to our consciousness as a way to heal and jolt out of the moment. It is equally important that in moments of quiet, when things are rolling OK, to assert them.

The Power to Heal and Recover:
When our physical, emotional and mental states go out of balance, we experience an array of problems such as stress, anxiety, physical ailments, depression and lack of motivation among other symptoms.
All these states are in confluence with each other. The emotional manifests itself in the physical and mental and so does the physical on the mental and emotional, etc. But no matter what, we have the power to restore the balance again – always. We have the power to be healed and more importantly to heal ourselves. Once we fully appreciate how everything is interlinked we can ‘hack’ the physical through the emotional and mental states (ex. meditation, relaxation techniques, visualization, etc) or ‘hack’ our mental and emotional imbalance through physical means (ex. exercise, nutrition and supplements)

The Power to Choose our Environment:
We are at one with our environment in the sense that we are interdependent with it. We are never fully independent because what happens in our environment affects us and vice versa. Our environment could be our physical environment such as homes, offices, living spaces, etc but also social environments such as family, peers, groups and individuals we are connected with. The health of our environment is reflected back in our own health whether physical, emotional, energetic or psychological.

If we allow ourselves to be within a ’toxic’ environment, we will also be intoxicated whether we are aware of it or not. On a physical level, a toxic environment could be for example a cramped working space with poor ventilation, uncomfortably furniture and perhaps among objects that emit radiation or contain traces of harmful chemicals. On a social level it might be that you are surrounded by people who are negative, over-judgmental or cynical, or are a bad influence to your lifestyle. Whatever the case, the thing is that you still have the power to select and change your environment. You just have to be more conscious of it and don’t allow yourself to be dragged into environments that are unhealthy or unhelpful. Physical environments can be changed, tweaked, improved, brightened, made more spacious, etc. Social environments can be equally changed or improved. For example, disengaging with individuals that are not aligned with your beliefs and lifestyle. You can seek out more people who can inspire you and motivate you or just be more selective in your social agenda in general.

The Power to Learn and be Inspired:
You always have the power to learn new stuff, new skills and abilities that open up your possibilities in numerous ways. So learning is a powerful tool to get ‘unstuck’, move forward and expand your opportunities. Yet there is another important aspect to it that is very often overlooked. It promotes health, vitality and realizes your potential more fully. Why? Well apart from neural regeneration, that is, generating and building new neural pathways in the brain, learning brings excitement and inspiration – two very important ingredients to happiness and self-fulfillment. When you are learning new things, you are opening your heart and mind to a wider area of possibilities. Your perspective changes too and you get inspired to see things in a fresh new way while appreciating the deeper connection between things and yourself. From another angle, learning is a way to break free from old patterns that might be holding you down, limiting you or making you feel stagnant.

Access to the Power of Love:
No matter how bitter, betrayed or jaded you might sometimes feel about certain life experiences, there is always one big miracle healer you have access to – Love. Not just love in the romantic sense – although this is of course a very powerful healer in itself – but unconditional love: the energy and excitement that comes from being open to life and others, accepting them and being in tune with the subtle connection between all things and events in your life. Love heals and empowers by both receiving and giving it out. When you are emotionally sustained through a network, family or community of loving support you become radiantly happy, alive and immune to life’s pitfalls. Once again your biochemistry is evidently different when you let go of resentment and make way for love (we can call it the chemistry of love!) . So always remind yourself that you have access to the power of love to uplift you, heal you, push you forward and break free from negative patterns anytime, anywhere.

The Power to Dream & Create:
Many argue that what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is the ability to dream up ideas and create them, or else make those ideas materialize. Our creative nature is truly unique and impressive. We always hear about our destructive nature in the media but we seldom celebrate the power of the human genius and creativity. What I would also add is my utter conviction that we ALL have an element of creative genius we can tap into. Perhaps not in a grant work of Art or Science but still our creativity can flow through us to solve everyday problems and come up with new ideas that keep us excited and in tune with our life purpose and dreams. No little thing!

Article by Gilbert Ross

Late Stage Treatment in Addiction. Staying Sober.

9/16/2016

There is a big difference between getting sober and staying sober.
Strategies for helping the alcoholic or addict maintain a lasting and satisfying recovery are far different from the strategies for initially achieving abstinence.

Consequently, what substance abusers need from therapy during the first few weeks of treatment is far different from what they require three, six, or twelve months in recovery.

If the way substance abusers establish and manage their interpersonal attachments is to be transformed, it is essential they learn new behaviors, values, and attitudes that are incompatible with the drinking and using behaviors, values, and attitudes.

Integration and assimilation into the twelve step program and philosophy are crucial components of this process. Learning how to effectively use psychotherapy over the long term is another crucial component of their recovery process.

The entire course of late stage recovery can be defined as the successful establishment of empathic attachment relationships, (parents, partners, children) while at the same time helping substance abusers become aquainted with their emotional selves.

Until alcoholics and addicts develop the capacity to use their feelings as signals and to become emotionally intimate with themselves, they will continue to engage in their self destructive and self defeating behaviors.

Substance abusers typically lack the ability to take care of themselves or protect themselves from their own self defeating actions. Because chemically dependent individuals have a deficient or underdeveloped capacity for identifying their feelings, they are often unable to tell when they feel tired, sick, hungry, anxious or depressed.

Along with their history of substance abuse, they usually have numerous other poor health habits, many smoke, many do not exercise or over exercise, have poor dietary regimes, and demonstrate an almost complete inability to relax and enjoy themselves. Such disturbances in self care also lead individuals to fail to be aware, cautious, worried or frightened enough to resist or avoid behavior that is self-injurious or damaging.

The road to recovery requires a careful balance between affect (emotional) release and affect (emotional) containment. Substance abuser's feelings must be delicately managed until they have enough sobriety and emotional stability to tolerate a closer look at their defective attachment styles. The potential for a relapse occurs when the substance abuser
feels too good or too bad too quickly.

Addiction as an Attachment Disorder - Flores

Recovery from Addiction; Gratification versus Frustration

9/12/2016

The degree to which a therapist frustrates or gratifies the patient
is one of the most consistent dominating themes
in the treatment of addiction.

Alcoholics and addicts demand and require
certain levels of gratification
if they are going to tolerate the relinquishing of their primary source of gratification ---
namely the drugs and/or alcohol.

Addiction, as defined in self psychology, is the result of
deprivation of developmentally appropriate
needs for gratification.

Alcohol, drugs, food, sex, and other forms of
potentially addictive behavior are
attempts for self repair.

The addict and alcoholic
try to acquire externally
what cannot be provided internally
because of defects in the psychic structure.

No, a therapist cannot
"love their addicts into health"
because this is what the addict
has been trying to do symbolically with chemicals.

Rather, the addicted individuals needs to learn how to
tolerate frustration
without immediate gratification
since it is through
managing tolerable levels of frustration
that psychic structure is laid.

Too much anxiety interferes
with the necessary trust and safety
required for openness, exploration,
and revealing of one's self to occur.
Optimal gratification means that the
therapist will provide enough
nurturing or emotional responsiveness
until addicts or alcoholics
are able to provide it to themselves
without returning to old methods of gaining immediate gratification.

Early stage treatment with substance abusers
requires more gratification than later stage treatment.

Most substance abusers
cannot tolerate the frustration and regression
that is induced by some in early stages of recovery.

However, addicts and alcoholics
respond more favorably to a
direct, practical, no-nonsense approach
and if therapy is to work it requires
active emotional engagement.

Addiction as an Attachment Disorder - Flores

What is Radical Acceptance?

9/6/2016

Acceptance means being willing to experience
a situation as it is,
rather than how we want it to be.

To be repeatedly 'turning the mind'.

To be in the actual situation you are in,
rather than the situation you think you're in,
or think you should be in.
Removing judgement of what is.

Your mind is always going to give you
other ideas, interpretations,
reminding you of old strategies
- whether helpful or unhelpful.

Each time your mind wanders
and you notice these other thoughts and images,
simply bring your attention back to this moment.

Don't judge the situation
to be good, or bad,
or in any way.
Simply bringing your attention
back to this moment,
right now,
this situation,
and being effective in this situation.

You may need to 'turn your mind'
many many times
in a short space of time.

It can help to use memory aids
to remind us
of how we can help ourselves
during distressing times:

IMPROVE the moment.

I - Imagery Think of a safe place; visualize that place.
M - Find Meaning in the situation.
P Prayer – Meditation, spirituality, affirmations.
R - Relaxation, physically relax.

O - One thing at a time.

V - Vacation – Take some time out of the situation,
'me' time.

E - Encouragement – Positive and calming self talk.

Connection

9/4/2016

Connection is the energy
that exists between people
when they feel
seen, heard, and valued;
when they can give and receive without judgment;
and when they derive
sustenance and strength
from the relationship.

In his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.

Goleman writes, “Even our most routine encounters act as regulators in the brain, priming our emotions, some desirable, others not. The more strongly connected we are with someone emotionally, the greater the mutual force.”

It’s amazing--
yet perhaps not surprising--
that the connectedness we experience
in our relationships
impacts the way our brain develops and performs.

Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection that much more real and dangerous.

Sometimes we only think we’re connected. Technology, for instance, has become a
kind of imposter
for connection,
making us believe we’re connected
when we’re really not
—at least not in the ways we need to be.

In our technology-crazed world,
we’ve confused being communicative
with feeling connected.

Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a restaurant and seen two parents on their cell phones while their kids are busy texting or playing video games.
What’s the point of even sitting together?

As we think about the definition of connection
and how easy it is to mistake technology for connecting,
we also need to consider letting go of the myth
of self-sufficiency.
One of the greatest barriers to connection
is the cultural importance we place on
“going it alone.”

Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone.
Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand,
but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help
when we need it ourselves.
It’s as if we’ve divided the world into
“those who offer help”
and “those who need help.”
The truth is that we are both.

Until we can receive with an open heart,
we are never really
giving with an open heart.
When we attach judgment to receiving help,
we knowingly or unknowingly
attach judgment
to giving help.

The Wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance.
It’s a path of consciousness and choice.
And, to be honest, it’s a little counterculture.
The willingness to tell our stories,
eel the pain of others,
and stay genuinely connected
in this disconnected world
is not something we can do halfheartedly.

To practice
courage, compassion, and connection
is to look at life
and the people around us,
and say,
“I’m all in.”

What is Emotional Intelligence?

9/2/2016

Emotional intelligence
is the ability to identify, use, understand,
and manage your emotions in positive ways
to relieve stress,
communicate effectively, empathize with others,
overcome challenges and defuse conflict.

This ability also allows us to recognize and understand
what others are experiencing emotionally.
This recognition and understanding is,
a nonverbal process that informs
thinking and influences how well you connect with others.

Emotional intelligence differs from how we think of
intellectual ability,
emotional intelligence is a learned—not acquired.
This learning can take place at any time in life
so the social and emotional skill set,
known as emotional intelligence,
is something we can all have.

Emotional intelligence is commonly
defined by four attributes:

Self-awareness –
You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

Self-management –
You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Social awareness –
You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

Relationship management –
You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.