Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
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Couples & The Invisible Divorce

7/28/2017

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To one degree or another, most couples who are involved in a power struggle follow a similar pattern; they structure their lives in such a way that true intimacy is virtually impossible.

In asking clients, "What does your spouse do to avoid you?" I have come up with a list of over three hundred answers.  Here are some of those answers; "reading romance novels," "disappearing into the garage," "camping out on the phone," spending too much time at mom's," "memorizing every word in the NY Times..."

The fact that so many couples perforate their relationships with 'exits' arises an obvious question: why do men an women spend so much time avoiding intimacy? 
There are two very good reasons: anger and fear. 

Why the anger? 
In the romantic stage of a relationship, people find it relatively easy to be intimate, because they are filled with the anticipation of wish fulfillment.  Their partner seem to be Mommy and Daddy and doctor and therapist all rolled into one.  Months or years later they come to the realization that their partners are committed to their own salvation, not theirs, they feel angry and betrayed.  A tacit agreement has been broken.  In retaliation they erect an emotional barricade.  In effect, they are saying "I am angry at you for not meeting my needs." They begin to seek pleasure and satisfaction of their needs outside the relationship.  Like a hungry cow stretching its neck over a fence to munch on green grass, they look elsewhere for gratification.

Why the fear?
The other reason couples avoid intimacy is fear.  Specifically the fear of pain.  On an unconscious level, many people react to their partners as if they were enemies.  Any person---whether parent or partner or next door neighbor---who is perceived by the old brain to be a source of 'need gratification' and then appears to be withholding that gratification is catalogued by the old brain as a source of pain. 

If you partner does not nurture you and attend to your fundamental needs, a part of you fears that you will die, and it believes that your partner is the one who is allowing this to happen.  When a basic lack of nurturing is  coupled with an onslaught of verbal and in some cases actual physical abuse, the partner becomes an even more potent enemy.  The unconscious reason some people avoid their partner, is not that they are scouting for greener pastures, but that they are fleeing death.  The appropriate image in this case is not the bucolic scene of a cow foraging for food, but that of a terrified lamb running way from a lion.

Most cases of fear of a partner is unconscious.  All couples are aware of is a mild feeling of anxiety around each other and a desire to be with other people or be involved in other activities.

Some couples are literally acting out an 'exit' in their behaviors.  An 'exit' is acting out one's feelings rather then putting them into language, it is shown in their behavior.  This is like an affair, or as small as retreating to watching TV or fantasizing about someone else while making love.  It is withdrawing from the relationship the energy that belongs in the relationship.  An unconscious feeling of abandonment to the partner in need.

No matter how valid the reasons are for the 'avoidance behavior', it is important in the initial stages of the healing process that couples gradually draw their energy back into the relationship.  Until thy close some of their numerous 'exits', they will always be seeking pleasure in inappropriate places.  The basic problem being that areas need to be defined before they can be resolved. 

As couples becomes more aware of their avoidance of intimacy and needs, and more focused on each other, they often have to come face to face with their repressed disappointments of anger and fear.  They minimize their degree of happiness by being distracted by outside activities.  The goal then is to identify the 'exits' or avoidance behavior and gradually learn to close those gaps.  With professional help the couple can learn to identify and tackle these tasks which is to identify the emptiness in their marriage and fill the gaps with intimacy and revitalize vital energy in the relationship.














Getting the Love You Want
H. Hendrix


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Understanding the Affair.

7/17/2017

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Affairs, at their core, are about secrets and the violation of trust. 
This means that if the two of you agree to allow each other multiple relationships there is no affair because there is no betrayal.
Often however, one person knows his or her partner would object, and unilaterally grants themselves permission to connect with a third party.
This often leads to chaos.  Committed partners who want to create and maintain a healthy,
respectful bond must come to a consensus on the rules of their relationship.

So often we blame our partner for what goes wrong and fail to see the link between our personal, lifelong conflicts and the conflicts
in our relationship---between the damage we carry within ourselves and the damage we experience as a couple.

In attempting to assign responsibility to infidelity, hurt partners tend to think, "You were screwing around with someone else, don't blame me." 
The unfaithful partner tends to think,, "You were not there for me; you drove me away." 

The feeling of a tender, secure attachment to your partner lies at the heart of most enduring, committed relationships, surpassing in joy and fulfillment the momentary sparks and marvels of romantic love. 

Sexual intimacy is inseparable from emotional intimacy, each embracing, each illuminating the other.  Both ask you to be generous with acts of kindness, and to be available to each other in essential ways.  Both give you the strength and vision to stay connected---to the last course---even at those times when you don't feel particularly loved or loving.

When either bond is broken, physical and/or sexual intimacy, and secrets held, each individual in the couple experiences negative emotions, and a strong psychological impact from the damaging experience.

Often there are early experiences and themes of either overt or covert abuse or abandonment which says, "People I love will hurt me." 
This schema of abandonment is imprinted on the individual in their future relationships.

Early growth experiences which create safety and security and competence as an adult include: feeling safe and secure as a child, learning to function independently in the world, having solid emotional connections with others, being valued, being free to express yourself, being free to let go and have fun, living with realistic expectations. 

Deprived of any of these emotional experiences you are likely to have grown up with emotional wounds that affect your choice in partners.

You may have been drawn to someone who, over time, lets you replicate your early experiences with love, unfulfilling as they may have been. Unconsciously we make efforts to correct our early imprints of abandonment in our adult love relationships.

When an affair occurs a bond of trust is broken and early imprints of abandonment and or emotional abuse are relived painfully for each partner.

The Unfaithful Partner may seek out a lover to distance themselves from their partner or lower the emotional temperature between them both.  An affair reduces their fear of being emotionally dependent on someone who, they assume will inevitably leave or hurt them.  It can also keep 'who they are'  
a secret from their partner, and afford them a temporary sense of freedom and control.

The Hurt Partner may have been also been abandoned in their youth, and unable to relate to others in an intimate or authentic way, and end up clinging to their partner or making excessive demands on their partner's time.  They also may assault their partner with unfounded suspicions (from past experiences of abandonment).  They may precipitate what they fear most---being abandoned.














After the Affair, J. & M. Spring


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Women & Sex.  Gatekeepers in the Bedroom.

7/6/2017

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Women's brains clearly respond differently to sexual cues -- the control regions of their brain are always turned on in response to a sexual cue. It seems like they have a natural tendency to pair safety concerns with lust.  They are preoccupied with security, which makes sense--sex is simply riskier for women. 

Sex puts women in a very vulnerable positions; they are smaller and weaker than men, often are on their backs. They have to overcome the nature fear that helpless position induces. 
They appear to unconsciously ask themselves:, "How sure do I feel about this person?  Can I trust him?"

Women's sexuality appears to depend on the quality of the relationship rather than the intensity of the sensations in their skin.  It naturally connects to attachment and a safe haven relationship.  It helps us to understand why woman, even after birth control and feminism, still tend to be the gatekeepers in sex and men the initiators.

Today a new model of female sexuality is posed rather than the old model of genital stimulation. 
The new model includes factors such as relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, previous sexual activity, all of which influence women's sexual responses.  Women often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral and move into desire and arousal as a result of sexual cues from their partner.

Their sexuality is often responsive rather than the obedient subject.  
Recognizing that today cues concerning safe attachment are fundamental to women's arousal and sexuality opens the way to new remedies.   

For men, that means overhauling their view of female sexuality and adjusting their verbal and physical approaches to make it apparent that there is desire for the person, not just for the orgasm.

Gary tells me in a therapy setting,
"I can't get over it.  All those sexual techniques I read about.  What a waste of time!  She likes me to talk to her.  I hate to be corny, but sharing my feelings seems to turn her on.  Amazing I used to keep asking her "Do you want to mess around?"  I didn't get what a turn off that was to her.  I wanted her to show all this passion right off the bat.  Now I understand that she wants to be held and whispered to and then for me to come on to her very slowly.  It works!"











Taken from Love Sense/Johnson

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    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


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