We need to trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable to trust.

Researchers view trust as a slow building, layered process that happens over time.  There is no 'trust test', and no green light that tells us that it's safe to let ourselves be seen.

It's like putting marbles in a jar.  Whenever someone supports you or is kind to you or defends you or or honors you, you put a marble in your jar. When people are mean, disrespectful or share your secrets, a marble comes out.  Trust is built one marble at a time.  John Gottman, one of the country's foremost couples researchers and authors, describes trust as much of the same.  Gottman states that trust is built in very small moments.  In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.  One such moment is not that critically important, however as the marbles in the jar, if you always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship--very gradually, very slowly.

This slow erosion is a betrayal of sorts, a betrayal that is corrosive to trust.  This is the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring.  Of letting the connection go.  Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship.  The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who's gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people.  These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they're not only form of betrayal. 

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and the hurt seeps in.  Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears--the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable.  What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can't point to the specific source of our pain--there is no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. it can feel crazy-making.

Like trust, most experiences of betrayal happen slowly, one marble at a time.  In fact, the overt or "big" betrayals are more likely to happen after a period of disengagement and slowly eroding trust. 

What I have learned about trust and boils down to this.  Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement.

Trust isn't a grand gesture--it's growing a marble collection.


Taken from the book, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Ph.D.

Playing and laughing together as a couple is a basic need that brings couples together.  When couples have a lot of fun together they identify each other as a source of pleasure and safety, which intensifies the emotional bond and partners connect to each other on a deeper level.

A useful and fun tool to move towards each other is to begin to write love notes to each other.  It is going to feel strange at first to start writing notes to each other.  The only way to change this feeling is to begin the new behavior and do it often enough so that it begins to feel familiar and therefore safe.  Take some time in your marriage or relationship to share your thoughts and feelings about your partner.  Commit to a period of time, even if it causes anxiety.  The anxiety will subside and the caring exercise can become a comfortable, reliable tool for growth.  How wonderful to look forward to note from the person you love!

If science has taught us anything about emotion, it is that we should never underestimate its power and value. 

It has shown us how emotion figures into our most intimate relationships and shapes them. 

It has taught us that we can use those relationships to temper our negative feelings, dampen their toxic nature and be inspired by positive emotions to reach out to others and to the world.

In his book, The Wise Heart, Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield offers a beautiful image for our new understanding:

  "We can let ourselves be carried by the river of feelings---because we know how to swim."

Taken from the book by Dr. Sue Johnson, Love Sense

The concept of a "love potion", a substance that can turn on love, is found in almost every culture.  Many concoctions--made from plants, herbs, insects, precious stones and corals--have been touted.  They don't work.  But, there is one potent formula that our own body manufactures.

This "love potion", called oxytocin, exists only in mammals and is both a brain chemical and a hormone. Discovered back in 1909, scientists have dubbed oxytocin as the "cuddle hormone" for its ability to promote strong bonds between mother and infant and as well as between two adult lovers. 

Most accurately, oxytocin is described as the master chemical of social connection.  We have long known in humans, oxytocin is released during breast-feeeding and orgasm.

We have now discovered that our brain gives us a little dose of that "cuddle hormone" whenever we are physically near to those we love.  In fact, just thinking of who we love will trigger a rush of this hormone.  This chemical packs a punch!  A whiff of oxytocin increases our tendency to trust and engage with others in a less defensive, and more empathic way. 

That said, the social effects of oxytocin are still mind-boggling.  When dosed with oxytocin, we fixate more on others and gaze longer into their eyes.  Scientists suggest this may be why oxytocin helps us better read others' facial expressions and correctly tune in to their intentions.

Let's face it, we need to stick around people with whom we feel pleasure.  Positive romantic love expands our world. It makes us more confident, more flexible, and open.

Just think, a kiss can bring a cascade of oxytocin and dopamine that shuts off stress hormones, brings down our heart rater, and tunes up our brain's ability to read our lover's face!


Dr. Sue Johnson, Love Sense

A major misconception about conflict in romantic relationships is that people in good relationships should fight very little.  There's an expectation that, if well matched, you and your partner will see eye to eye on most matters and argue rarely, if at all.  Sometimes arguments are even considered to be "proof" that two people are incompatible or that a relationship is derailing.  Not so true.


Attachment theory shows us that these assumptions are unsubstantiated; all couples-- even secure ones-- have their fair share of fights. 

What does distinguish between couples and affect their satisfaction levels in their relationships is not how much they disagree, but how they disagree and what they disagree about.  Attachment researchers have learned that conflicts can serve as an opportunity for couples to get closer and deepen their bond. 

Taking a closer look at these five principles, shows how more secure couples manage their disagreements.

1.  Show basic concern for the other person's well-being.

2.  Maintain focus on the problem at hand.  One at a time.

3.  Refrain from generalizing the conflict, such as using words as 'always' or 'never'.

4.  Be willing to engage.  Turn toward rather than turn away.

5.  Effectively communicate feelings and needs.



Taken from the book, Attached, by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, M.A.

How important we begin to feel when we make choices to surround ourselves with people who make us feel strong and calm. Sometimes others can help us see beyond the limitations of our past.  Surrendering to letting go of what you cannot control is one of the first steps towards restoring your confidence and courage within yourself. 

Bishop T.D. Jakes wrote:

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this.
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean, hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

I promise you that as you surrender and let go of what you've been holding on to, new people, inspiring people, who see your greatness, will show up in your life.  It is in this peaceful, heartful state of surrender that you can have what you want, know that it is safe to speak out, and know that it is you and you are worthy of relaxing and moving forward rather than staying stuck in a past that can never be changed.  When you learn that you can trust life, life will deliver treasures beyond your imagination.  You will find the courage and confidence that will remain with you everyday for the rest of your life.

Trust.  Trust that you were designed perfectly and that each experience has gotten you to a  place where you can be your most powerful self!

Debbie Ford, Courage.

Author Asrid Alauda wrote:

"I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart.  Once I learned to use the umbrella of confidence, the skies cleared up for me and the sunshine called joy became my faithful companion."

Confidence seems to be one of those qualities that most of us long to have more of, and believe that this uplifting feeling is the answer to our dreams, and it will allow us to ask for what we want, let us speak up when we are not being heard, and give us the ability to handle whatever the universe sends our way.  In short, we believe that confidence will make life better.  There are two kinds of confidence, and distinguishing "confidence" and "self-confidence" is important to claiming our courage. 

When we talk about confidence, we talk about something that is "out there" and external, situations and circumstances.  We say things like, "I am confident that everything will work out. I am confident that everyone will show up."  Although coming from a place of personal belief, this kind of confidence depends on something outside of ourselves.

Then there is self-confidence.  Self confidence is a belief in oneself, a belief in one's own strengths and capabilities.  Closely tied to our self-esteem, it is a kind of trust in ourselves. 

The truth is we need confidence and self-confidence.


Taken from the book, Courage by Debbie Ford

Courage is a holy gift that exists within you.  It's yours when you are ready to reunite with it.

When you awaken to courage, it becomes an exciting, life-enhancing force that will lift you back into your power and guide you home to your authentic nature. 

The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are--without apology, without excuses, without masks to cover the truth of who you are.  True courage comes not just from feeling confident and strong, but from being the honest, authentic expression of yourself.  Think about how audacious it is to really believe in yourself.

It takes courage to acknowledge that your point of view matters, that your truth matters, that your gifts matter, and that your presence on this earth matters.  And, you don't have to earn this right, it's yours as part of your birthright!  Using your courage is your lifeline to freedom.


Can you imagine being so confident that you feel free being just exactly who you really are?


Courage - Debbie Ford

When you think of your positive love relationship, one you have now, or one in the past, how did you repair moments of disconnection?  How were you able to change the emotional climate of the relationship at that time?

Successful couples tend to openly acknowledge moments of disconnection and their impact.  They share their emotions and make clear statements about feeling hurt or regretting that they caused hurt.  They frequently use humor and also touch while talking.

When your partner tried to repair and reconnect after a time of distance, hurt, or conflict, did you accept these attempts?  Or did you reject them?



Love Sense ~ Sue John