Vulnerability facilitates closeness.
Resisting vulnerability is protecting oneself.
Through vulnerability allows one to get to the truth.
So many times working with couples I see many who resist conflict.
"Let it go, its not that important, I am too tired to fight again,
it's too uncomfortable, it doesn't really matter."
However the outcome often comes with built up resentments,
feeling unheard, not seen or important, polarized as a couple, separate, loneliness.
Don't be afraid of conflict. Be afraid of loosing your partner and your connection.
It is ok to be uncomfortable for a time, for in resolving conflict comes connection and intimacy.
Discover yourself and give what you wish to receive.
Listen deeply without defending, give what you wish to get, validate your partner. Remember, each of us have a different perspective. Both of you are right. We each hear and translate information based on our past experiences, our upbringing, our gender and the meaning we give. When we listen deeply we begin to realize what our partner heard from us, it may not be what we meant, however their perspective is theirs and our perspective may be different. When clarified we have an opportunity to correct, to understand and connect. For example, "I didn't know your feelings were hurt, I was not aware that this tone makes you feel that way, I would not intentionally do that to you."
Discover in yourself, what makes me feel safe with my partner? What makes your partner feel safe? What do I need to have more comfort in our conversations when we try to resolve conflict? What does your partner need? Isn't resolving conflict about talking and listening and understanding? Resolving conflict is not shouting, or name calling or insults or anger. Settle the emotion before you both sit down to figure out the conflict, and in that discussion the outcomes will lead you to understanding and connection and intimacy deepens.
Our instinct to protect ourselves stops us from pursing the needed conversations in the right moments. Provide authenticity and honesty, your intimacy only deepen.
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