Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

LIVE SOBER – BE RESPONSIBLE – LIVE FREE

8/30/2016

Sometimes we can find great wisdom about ourselves
by sitting quietly and refusing to run
from the inner memories and messages.

The shadow or dark side of our being
keeps us running from memories and parts of ourselves
we are afraid to see.

Addiction can block access to these messages.
Since they need to be heard,
they keep screaming louder and louder
driving us deeper and deeper
into our addiction
just to turn them off for a little while.

When we get sober they start to haunt us.
We can choose to sit quietly,
face the fear and the memories,
and make sense of it all
with the help of trusted friends in recovery.
OR
we can run into relapse
or other compulsive and irresponsible behaviors
in a futile effort to run from ourselves.

Sit still in recovery.
Be aware of who you are.
You probably find that
when the fear and anger pass
you are with a really good person,
yourself.

By Terence Gorski

Love Addiction.

8/29/2016

What Does 'Love Addiction' Mean?
An addiction is anything that comes between you and your feelings. Love addiction is the addiction to the person in the relationship, where one is focused on the other party to with hopes they provide all the emptiness and loss inside.

Females have a greater genetic disposition to fall into the state of addicted love. They tend to more readily glorify their partners and see them as their source of happiness. Such women have not worked on their own identity and learned to provide their own sense of personal support and power.
Women are also more likely to be attracted by narcissistic partners and stay while allowing their sense of self to be stripped away, which also leads to the serious state of relationship addiction - often coupled with the effects of severe psychological abuse.

How to Identify If You Are Suffering Relationship Addiction

Your days are based on 'what he / she is doing, saying and thinking'.
You've lost interest in friends and personal goals.
You schedule your life to fit in with his / her life.
You go along with what he / she wants even if you don't agree.
You begin taking on his / her identity and get involved in things you never thought you would.
You often feel anxious, depressed and lost.
Aspects of your life are suffering.
You crave his / her attention, but enough is never enough even if you feel anxious, upset or abused in his / her company.
You're terrified about him / her getting off a phone call or leaving.
If he / she shows any level of disinterest you panic.
Regardless of how you're treated you can't let go.
You admit fault or give in to uncomfortable or unreasonable requests to retain the relationship.
You fear emotional and mental survival if the relationship ends.
You can't stop yourself from contacting him / her.
Your behavior has reached 'out of control' levels.

Obsessive Love is unfinished emotional business. Addictive love is not healthy love. It's obsession. This is confusing for many people, because they feel it so intensely and think - 'It must be love!'

Individuals who suffer relationship addiction often have unresolved childhood issues creating the intense 'pull' in an unhealthy relationship. Generally the individual is trying to resolve unresolved feelings/wounds by attracting an individual who causes the wounds (such as abandonment, distrust, abuse) and these old wounds are from childhood.

The best outcome is to completely cut off from the relationship and work on old childhood issues.

What Partners Really Need From Each Other.

8/21/2016

Romantic partners can offer a safe haven
to each other in times of need,
and a secure base form which each can explore and develop his or her potential.

When any of us, young or old, has emotional needs,
it is a natural survival strategy
for us to want to turn to one special person,
or a few close others, for support and comfort.

Seeking and maintaining contact with a few irreplaceable others
is a primary motivating force in us all.

Infants who are allowed to be dependent on their caregivers in their early development are observed to grow up to function more confidently and independently in the world.

So too, the dependence on a partner that develops
in a secure couple relationship actually
fosters autonomy and self confidence,
leading to interdependence between partners.

From the safe haven and secure base of thee couple's relationship,
two individuals go out into the world feeling stronger, more confident
and better equipped to face the ups and downs of daily life;
this security spills over to benefit their children, co-workers and community.

Partners typically need or long for
acceptance, closeness, and understanding
and also to feel loved, appreciated, and important.
These needs are normal.
Having these needs met in a healthy and
mutually satisfying way enhances physical and mental health
and overall quality of life of both partners.

Attachment is about safety and survival.
When your attachment needs are not met in your primary relationship,
it is normal to feel some combination
of fear, uncertainty, or anxiousness.

When you turn to your partner with these feelings and are greeted with
understanding, compassion and reassurance,
or essentially emotional responsiveness,
you will likely be comforted and feel secure again.

Emotional presence is the "solution" to insecurity.

In Dr. Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight," she captures the essence of
emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E.

A. Accessibility - Can I access your attention, presence and support when I need it? If I reach for you will you be there? Will you be open and receptive to my feelings?
Can I depend on you to make me a priority?

R. Responsiveness - Can I count on you to respond to my cues and needs? Will you tune into me when I need you? Will you empathize with me, express sensitivity and compassion?

E. Engagement - Will you keep me close and cherish me. Will you confide in me? Will you let me close and share your vulnerabilities, doubts, worries? Will your express your affection to me in words and gestures? Will you accept my affection when I give it to you?

And in summary,
The question to your partner:
Are You There for Me?

Partners give each other
support and comfort in a number of ways.
Some examples may include:

Listening when the other is worried.
Being attentive when the other is sick.
Helping practically when the other is tired.
Inquiring about your partner's feelings.
Staying engaged patiently when your partner is confused.
Discussing and debriefing events of the day together.
Expressing concern and/or providing physical comfort

when your partner is sad or hurt.

Answer the question to yourself:
How does my partner give me support, comfort, and encouragement?
Is He/She there for me?

Taken from Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald - Emotionally Focused Workbook

The Myth About Vulnerability

8/20/2016

The perception that vulnerability is a weakness
is the most widely accepted myth of being vulnerable and the most dangerous.

When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves
from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional,
we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing
to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on.
We have come to the point where,
rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring
behind vulnerability,
we let our fear and discomfort
become judgement and criticism.

Vulnerability is not good or is not bad.
It is not what we call a dark emotion,
nor is it always a light, positive experience.
Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings.

To feel is to be vulnerable.
To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.
To foreclose on our emotional life
out of a fear that the costs will be too high
is to walk away from the
very thing that give purpose and meaning to living.

Our rejection of vulnerability
often stems from our associating it with dark emotions
like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment.

These are emotions we don't want to discuss,
even when they profoundly affect the way
we live, love, work, and even lead.
When most of us fail to understand
is that vulnerability is the cradle of emotions we crave.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love.
Of belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability,
and authenticity.

If we want greater clarity in our purpose or to deepen and
experience more meaningful spiritual lives,
vulnerability is the path.

Brene Brown - Daring Greatly

The "We" in a relationship.

8/18/2016

By building togetherness and autonomy,
putting together a shared vision
of how you want to
spend your lies together
- is constructing
the psychological identify
of the marriage
as an entity in itself.

The adolescent and the young adult are fundamentally
"me-centered."
A person at this stage in their development
is chiefly engaged
in establishing his or her identity
separate from the family of origin.

Building the new,
his or her identity of a marriage
requires a shift from the "I" of emancipated adult
to a solid and lasting
"we."

At the same time the sense of
"we-ness"
has to include room
for the autonomy of each partner.

In couples
who divorce this
"we-ness"
is often weak or absent all together.

"We-ness"
gives marriage
it's staying power
in the face of
life's inevitable frustrations and temptations
to run away or stray.

It also give the partners a sense
that they constitute a sovereign country
in which
they make all the rules.

Marriage commands loyalty and
is worth defending
requires each partner to
relinquish self-centeredness
and to sacrifice a portion
of his or her autonomy.

In a good marriage
the new identity is built
on a solid foundation of
love and empathy.

Each person must learn to identify with the other,
and both together to identify with their marriage.
The couples decisions now reflect what is best for him,
what is best for her,
and what is best for the marriage.

Happy couples seem to carry
the image of the marriage
as a separate presence
that required
continuing attention and nurture,
like a healthy garden.

They say things like,
"What we both need
and
what the marriage needs
is
more time together."

Practice Compassion.

8/16/2016

“If you want others to be happy,
practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
- Dalai Lam

I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. it is something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.

The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice.
Meditate upon it in the morning (you can do it while checking email), think about it when you interact with others, and reflect on it at night. In this way, it becomes a part of your life.

Or as the Dalai Lama also said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those to which they feel compassionate.

Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.

Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or
humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the
alleviation of suffering.

Why develop compassion in your life? Well, there are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol -- the “stress hormone.”

But there are other benefits as well, and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy.

If we agree that it is a common aim of each of us to strive to be happy, then compassion is one of the main tools for achieving that happiness.
It is therefore of utmost importance that we cultivate compassion in our lives and practice compassion every day.

Steps to Inner Peace

8/9/2016

1. Simplify.
“The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace.
A persistent simplification will create an inner
and outer well-being that places harmony in one’s life.”
Peace Pilgrim.

2. Accept.
“Acceptance of others, their looks, their behaviors,
their beliefs, bring you an
inner peace and tranquility – instead of anger and resentment.”
Unknown

When you accept 'what is'
you stop feeding energy
into resisting 'what is'.

You don’t make a problem more powerful and sticky in your mind.
Instead, somewhat counter intuitively,
when you accept what is it loses much of its power.
It just is.

And you feel stillness inside.
Now, accepting what is doesn’t mean to give up.
It just means that you put yourself in a
better position take action if necessary.
Because now you can see more clearly, you can focus your energy
towards what you want and
take the appropriate action to change your situation.

3. Forgive.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.
Forgiveness is letting go of the past,
and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”
Gerald Jampolsky

Forgiveness is important because
as long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person.
Your thoughts will return to the person
who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again.
The emotional link between the two of you is
so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil –
most often in other people around you too.
When you forgive you do not only release the other person.
You set yourself free too
from all of that agony.

4. Do what you enjoy.
“Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy.
If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself,
you’ll have inner peace.
And if you have that, along with physical health,
you’ll have more success than you could possibly have imagined.”
Roger Caras

When you do what you enjoy
there is a natural peace that arises within.
You are in alignment with your outer world.
This also leads
to a lot more success
than if you have a lot of inner turmoil
and really don’t care that much for your work.

5. Be careful with your inner peace.
“Never be in a hurry;
do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.
Do not lose your inner peace
for anything whatsoever,
even if your whole world seems upset.”
St. Francis

Addiction and Understanding Treatment Possibilities

8/6/2016

Effective addiction treatment requires an alteration in treatment strategy when moving from the first state of treatment which is abstinence to the later stage of treatment which is prevention from relapse.

Substance abusers are
unable to to use their feelings as signals
and guides
in managing or protecting themselves against the instability and chaos of their internal world.

Addiction treatment is a time dependent process.
Currently most addition treatments are in three step processes which are; 1) achieving sobriety, 2) early recovery or abstinence and 3) advanced or late stage recovery.

1. Since substance abuse is an attempt at self repair, which exacerbates the individual's already impaired capacity for attachment and intimacy, abstinence and detachment from the object of addiction are required before the individual can make an attachment to group or establish a therapeutic alliance.

2. Early treatment strategies require adaptation in technique so the gratification, support, and containment are given priority, because these strategies maximally enhance attachment possibilities.

3. Once abstinence and attachment to the recovery process are established, deficits in self and character pathology must be modified. An essential part of this stage of treatment requires the client to develop the capacity for conflict resolution in a nondestructive manner while becoming familiar with mature mutuality and the intricacies that define healthy interdependence and intimacy.

Parts of the therapeutic process for the client include:

1) Helping the client explain the past in a way that gives hope for the future.
2) Providing a way for the addict to cope with their anxiety, remorse, and confusion.
3) Help them with a specific behavior --
staying sober and working a 12 step program that will change their lives in a desired direction.

What evolves is that addicts discover that their alcohol and/or drug use is only a symptom
and their personal and social difficulties are
not only the result of their substance abuse.

Deprivation of age-appropriate, developmental needs leaves the substance abuser
constantly searching for something
"out there"
than can be substituted
for what is missing "in here."

Addiction as an Attachment Disorder - Flores

Intimacy is a Peak Experience

8/1/2016

These connected partnerships are not easy to come by.
Two people who follow the same path as individuals.
As they further commit to each other in a
"coupleship"
they experience another level
of excitement and energy.

True intimacy is costly,
as are most items of value.
The development of a relationship
will cost one's
innocence, one's games,
one's illusions,
and one's certainty.

Intimacy is a by-product of close connections.
It is to share pleasure and pain
in the safety of trust and commitment,
and then to choose experiences,
surrounding, friendships and behavior
that will enhance the connection
to one's self,
a partner,
and a higher power or spirituality.

Characteristics of Intimates

1. Intimates fight, laugh, share ideas,
plan and fill the relationship with high energy.

2. Intimates share authority in relationships.
They take turns and know times when to be the leader.

3. Intimates accept and appreciate change.
They know that change and reality are closely linked
and little remain the same.

4. Intimates can be counted on for consistent behavior.

5. Intimates have enough self worth to know they deserve closeness,
care and attention and they do not have to play games for attention.

6. Intimates develop their sense of humor.

7. Intimates learn to ask for what they want and what they need.

8. Intimates become "like children" with each other
without embarrassment.
They remember not to waste
a day or a night
without some appreciation for the other.

Intimacy is a peak experience.