Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Feeling a Space of Safety

10/31/2014

Our body responds to our mind. If we have negative thoughts our body tenses. Our organs tense. Our bodies cannot function smoothly to balance.

As we learn to think and act in a positive way, our bodies respond with health. The more we practice letting go of all the agitation, tension, stress, anger, resentments, anything that is negative and destructive, the better we feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Let yourself know that as you walk though this day you are protected by all the loving energy of the universe.

Let yourself feel a space of safety and love surrounding your entire body.

Let yourself know you are in a place, today, where nothing can harm you.

That you have all the protection you need to handle whatever comes up in this day.

The Lesson of Patience

10/30/2014

When we look through a tinted window, we see a tinted world. In this way, when we are looking through the lens of the past, we cannot see anything as it truly is now at this moment.

This includes ourselves, others, the entire world. Most people have developed a habit of actually using their past experiences determine the value of what is occurring in the present. In doing so they miss the essence of what they are experiencing.

Today we look towards developing the skill of being open to the true nature of who or what is in front of us. The result will be a clear feeling of being more alive and awake in your life.

To be patient is to see all things though the perception of the present moment. To accurately perceive another person you must see them only as they are now. And this is equally true when looking at ourselves.

When we become impatient, we are, in fact, viewing life through past experiences or in anticipation of future ones. We are judging that the present moment should be different than it is rather than joyfully accepting life's unfolding.

The truth is that the "past has no reality in the present." Yet most of us consider it natural to use our past as the reference point in viewing the present. We believe it is natural to try to control the future in order to make our lives safe. Yet this idea is actually very unnatural. It is delusional. To understand patience we must look upon ourselves and other with no reference to the past. Then we will be able to learn from what we see.

Peace will be ours today as we focus upon the present.
Patience is the miracle that occurs when we stop seeing the past and future as our only reality. We are fearful and controlling when we anticipate the future on the sole basis of our past experience. The result is always a conflicted mind. In contrast, when we allow the present moment to rise above the past and the future, we give ourselves freedom. We sever the chains that hold us back.

Patience is the opposite of condemnation. They cannot occur at the same time. Today focus on the present moment and find that patience brings you peace of mind.

The Lessons of Patience

·        Whoever is in front of you is your teacher. We are all teachers and students to one another.
·

·        Each moment you spend with another person is a precious gift. When you are with one person, try not to think you should be with someone else or someplace else. ·

·        Look to the heart of a person rather than to their behavior. Heart to heart communication can transcend any impatience that you may have. ·

·        Be gentle with yourself and you will move much further.
·

·        Spend some time walking when you could run, sitting silently when you could stand and stew. heal when you could harm. In these things you will find patience for yourself and others.

The Art of Trust - Jampolsky

Resistance Can be Seen for What it Really is....Fear

10/29/2014

Through practicing "no resistance" we recognize and become sensitive to the intimate connectedness of all of life.

When we become aware of the subtle aspects of energy we can learn to yield rather than force. Force met with force creates very few choices.

We simply lower our heads and plow through life.
This approach to life leads inevitable to our becoming injured.
Each time we become wounded our feelings of being unsafe increase. In turn, we build larger defenses. Contrary to the ego's thinking, defenses always bring which they were meant to guard against.
Thus, when we meet force with force the following happens.

Becoming wounded = building defenses = becoming wounded = building defenses.

To create more options and choices in life, learn the art of No Resistance. Once you yield to aggressive energy, then you may redirect that energy. You then have the ability to truly direct the exchange to a positive outcome.

In Hakko-Ryu and Seibukan Jujutsu there is a practice referred to as "henka."
In henka, we are utilizing our intuition, or "dan" instead of our intellect. The intellect always pauses to asses and analyze the situation. though the intellect has its place, responding to energy coming our way is not one of them. The intellect tends to respond in rigid, preconditioned ways.

Intuition responds in fluid and creative ways through trusting our response to energy. Thinking and analyzing are absent. The result is a "dance" in which force is never meeting force.

This practice of henka helps to overcome resistance. It takes us beyond the intellect and opens up our intuition. If you truly allow intuition to respond, there will be no resistance.

To the degree that we do not trust our intuition is to the degree that we meet force with force.

"Fear creates a lack of trust in ourselves, others, and the universe. At a certain point in my own therapy I was forced to see the effects of this fear.

I had been dealing with the same issues, in the same intellectual place, for what seemed like years. I was trying to resolve issues with my parents. I wanted to sort out my feelings about them and my feelings about myself. The problem was that I wasn't feeling anything. I could talk endlessly "about" things, but I had great resistance to feeling.

Then one day, with out any forethought, I trusted myself and my therapist enough to step aside and yield energy of my feelings. I laid back and began to cry. The sounds that began to leave my body were ones that I had never heard before. They came from deep within, from the center of my being. Sounds of pain filled the room, my whole universe. Time changed dimensions. I could have been there for a day or a minute; I wasn't sure. All of my hidden pain began to pour out in every sound. Tears finally found their way out of me in a genuine way.

As long as I was afraid of my pain I kept it hidden. It weighted me down in everything that I did. In my day-to-day activities, I was unaware of the energy I expended in order to keep my pain repressed. It was a process that drained me of vitality. Moving through my resistance opened up choices for me. Once I began to experience the pain I could then work through it. Forgiveness was then fully open to me.

The love that had always been available to me filled my heart."

The Art of Trust ~ Lee Jampolsky

Fear In the Addictive Thought System ~ The Opposing Emotion to Love

10/27/2014

It is your thoughts alone,
that cause you pain.

Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way.

There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, weak or frail.

Serenity must come from within. There is only one opposing emotion to love, and that is fear. Fear is what our egos made up, and fear is at the core of the addictive thought system. Based on fear, many other conflicted beliefs occur.

There are four elements that make up the addictive thought system.

Fear

Living in the past or Living in the future.

Belief in Scarcity.
(That you are not enough the way you are).
Judgement

Fear is the fuel on which the addictive thought system runs.

When you find yourself looking to a drug, a job, food, material possessions, or a relationship for your happiness, it is because you are afraid, you have forgotten that you are love.

When you become like a child, seeing fearsome images in the dark, seeing attack and hostility all around you, your mind has forgotten that you are love, and in turn, you have become afraid.

When you have an endless resume of accomplishments and still don't feel good about yourself,
love seems to be nowhere and you are afraid.

When you want nothing more than to feel the love of another, yet you continually armor yourself in defenses, it is because you are in an ironic dilemma.
You are afraid of that for which you yearn: Love.

Projection leads us into a world where fear is constantly reinforced. We end up being afraid of love and freedom. Instead of inviting love into our hearts we become hosts of guilt.
We become surrounded by bars of fear, forged by our own thinking.
Stay in the here and now. Stay in what you have. Love.

The Choice to Show Up and Be Real

10/26/2014

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.
It is about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest.
The choice to let our true selves be born.

There are people who consciously practice being authentic, there are people who don't, and there are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so on other days.
It is something most of us work towards. Sometimes, even if I am full of shame or self-doubt, I can sell myself out and be anybody you need me to be.

The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth, honest people, and we aspire to be like that in our own lives.

We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we are supposed to weight to what our houses are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking.

Given the magnitude of the task at hand--be authentic in a culture that wants you to "fit in" and
"people please" -- asking ourselves, what is the definition of authenticity?

What are the parts that come together to create an authentic self?

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and
embracing who we are.

Choosing authenticity means:

Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and

Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.

Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving---even when it is hard, even when we are wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we are afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.

Brene Brown ~ The Gifts of Imperfection

When We Numb the Dark, We Numb the Light

10/25/2014

There is no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light. When I take the 'edge off' of the pain and vulnerability of I also dull my experience with the good feelings. Realizing this, I lean more into joy even when it makes me feel tender and more vulnerable.

Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn't come with guarantees--these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain.

When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy. In fact, addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is as likely to cause a relapse from numbing with drugs or alcohol as an intensely painful experience.

We cannot make a list of all the "bad" emotions and say,
"I'm going to numb these" and then make a list of all the positive emotions and say,
"I am going to fully engage in these."

You can image the vicious cycle this creates. I do not experience much joy so I have no reservoir to draw from when hard things happen. They feel more painful, so I numb. I numb so I do not experience joy. And so on.

The sharp edges can be in life, one learns that recognizing and and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace. The uncomfortable and scary leaning requires both spirit and resilience.

Feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, pain, discomfort vulnerability, and disconnection sabotage resilience. The only experience that seems broad and fierce enough to combat a list like that is the belief that we are all in this together and that something greater than us has the capacity to bring love and compassion into our lives.

Whether we are overcoming adversity, surviving trauma, or dealing with stress and anxiety, having a sense of purpose, meaning, and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding and move forward.

Without purpose, meaning, and perspective, it is easy to lose hope, numb our emotions, or become overwhelmed by our circumstances. We feel reduced, less capable, and lost in the face of struggle.
The heart of spirituality is connection.
When we believe in that inextricable connection, we do not feel alone.

Brene Brown ~ The Gifts of Imperfection

Marriage ~ Turning First Towards Our Partner

10/24/2014

Maintaining and restoring each others self esteem is another important aspect of marriage.

The task of continual encouragement goes hand in hand with replenishment of emotional reserves. Contrary to what many people believe, self esteem is not established once and for all early in life. Although its foundations are laid down during childhood and adolescence, self esteem fluctuates during adulthood.

It reflects not only our own view of ourselves but how we feel we are regarded by people who are important to us.

Does he love me?

Does she think of me as having integrity, as someone to be trusted?

Does she think of me as a competent person in whom she can have confidence?

Self esteem is not a single idea; rather, it is like a tripod whose three legs are feeling loved, feeling virtuous, and feeling competent. If all three are strong, the support high self esteem and self confidence.

If they are weak, the result is a poor self image and a chronic expectation of failure.

Each part of the tripod of self esteem is challenged everyday of our lives. We give ourselves new grades with each important experience.

If we do something well, we are proud of the achievement, pleased with ourselves as a parent, a cook, a lawyer. If we perform poorly. we chastise ourselves for being so incompetent, for having lost the contract, for having come down so hard on a child, for having burned the dinner and ruined the party, for having lost an important case. Then we are ashamed or guilty, angry at ourselves for being so klutzy an so unlovable.

If an individual's self esteem is firm because she/he has always been pleased with herself/himself and felt loved and appreciated, she/he may need less reassurance from her partner. When she/he fails, she/he counts on having another chance to do better and bounces back with relative ease. But even people with generally high self esteem have periods of profound doubt and disappointment.

At such junctures we turn to others -- a husband or wife, children, or good friends--to help restore our inner sense of self worth.

In a good marriage we first turn to our partner. After all, he/she loves me and knows my merits. He/she reassures me that whatever makes me feel shaky, it is less important than I think, that it will soon be past history, and that she adores me. Together we review and thrash out what happened until we are able to close the door on that failure and move on. Helping one's partner maintain self esteem and continue without getting discouraged and giving up is an important task of marriage.

We expect a husband or wife to stand by us and provide loving support and encouragement. We especially need this vote of confidence when things look bleak, but we need it as a reserve all the time.

Our self esteem needs to be shored up when we look in the mirror and realize that we look a little or alot older or fatter. An achievement, whether it is cooking dinner or writing a sonata, needs to be acknowledged first by the person we married. Our need for emotional nurturance by our partner is inseparable from our need for encouragement.

Marriage ~ Love Begins With Paying Attention

10/22/2014

Our need for comforting and encouragement are deep and lasting.
A main task of every marriage from the early days of the relationship to its end is for each partner to nurture the other.
The loneliness of life in cities, the long commutes, the absence of meaningful contact with people in so many jobs, the anonymity of suburban life, and the distances that separate close friends and family have all sharpened our emotional hungers. The faceless machines we spend so much time with in our offices have increased our sense of isolation.

We feel tired, driven, and needy. More than ever before we need someone special who understands how we feel and responds with tenderness. Love begins with paying attention.

Replenishing each others emotional reserves does not mean infantilizing each other --quite the reverse. Paradoxically, providing for a partner's dependency needs arise strengthens the capacity of both people to maintain their adulthood, for adulthood is built on occasional regressions. We all regress when we cry, when we admit helplessness and failure, when we feel discouraged and depressed.
We turn toward each other for a strong shoulder to lean on.

If we never let our guard down we become brittle, fragile, and boring. As adults we take two steps forward and one step back. If we do not , we risk depleting our reserves for the next step upward.

This kind of compassionate help beings with an accurate assessment of the cause of the others suffering, followed by a genuine effort to mutual understanding and genuine caring--not on generalities and platitudes. A marriage that does not provide nurturance and restorative comfort can die of emotional malnutrition.

Why get up in the morning to face the daily responsibilities of adulthood and family life if the rewards seems so inadequate compared to the effort required? The need for sympathy and for restoration of battered self esteem, which receive much less press than the search for sexual adventure, is a major component in infidelity.

To clarify the importance of nurturance in marriage, it helps to look at the notion of the mother as providing emotional refueling for the child who goes back and forth from independence with his peers to his mother's sheltering care. The toddler ventures away from her playground. She returns at intervals to have her tears dried and complaints kissed away, then returns to the serious business of conquering the world.

The same to and fro occurs in adult life. One or both partners venture out to face the perils of the workplace, then return to the safe, emotionally supportive relationship of marriage and home to gather nourishment and confidence to venture out again.
If the satisfactions of the house are sufficient, a balance is maintained.
If not, the man or woman feels depleted and unappreciated.

A marriage that is capable of rising magnificently to an acute crisis cannot always handle the boredom, fatigue, tension, and unmet needs that are part of everyday life.

But routine frustrations are always serious if the partners' needs are on a collision course. It is a drastic mistake to overlook these frustrations and assume that time will automatically take care of the problem. Although time may indeed provide a remedy, the so called remedy may not heal the marriage.
It is always better to acknowledge unmet needs than to deny them: at least they can be recognized and examined in the light.

Wallerstein & Blakeslee ~ The Good Marriage

Consider the Wildflowers...

10/20/2014

Consider the wildflowers.
They do not work hard to be beautiful.

They do not strive for a place in the meadow or on the hill.
They simply are.
I look at myself and can appreciate me for being, not just for doing.

I have spend much of my life in busy preparation. All the commotion is designed to keep me moving, to keep me from failing, maybe even to keep me from remembering or feeling.

For at least one hour today, I will consider the wildflowers.

Perhaps I will lie in a meadow or on a hill or in my own backyard with a book.
Then I will allow myself to be like the wildflowers.
Not striving, or frantic, just being.
If being brings memories of painful feelings, they can come to visit but I will not allow them to stay and destroy the flowers.

Today I will allow myself the freedom to be the best of my gifts, me.

Affirmations for the Inner Child ~ Lerner

JOY

10/19/2014

These are anxious and fearful times, both of which breed scarcity. We are afraid to lose what we love the most, and we hate that there are no guarantees. We think not being grateful and not feeling joy will make it hurt less. We think if we can beat vulnerability to the punch by imaging loss, we will suffer less. We are wrong.

There is one guarantee: If we are not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.

This is scarcity of safety and uncertainty. There are other kinds of scarcity. We are not thin enough, we are not smart enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, or rich enough. Before we sit up in bed and our feet touch the floor in the morning we are already inadequate, already behind, losing, already lacking something. What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life.

It makes total sense why we are a nation looking for more joy. We are starving from a lack of gratitude. We each have the choice in any setting to let go of scarcity and discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. Sufficiency is not two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. Sufficiency is not an amount at all, sufficiency is an experience, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and the we are enough.

Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think about our circumstances.

Stop long enough to notice the ordinary moments, the everyday moments. Marianne Williamson says, "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."