Codependency is prioritizing others needs, expectations, problems over one's own mental and physical health. 

In codependency, a person's sense of worth comes from others rather than internally.

Codependent individuals do not believe in their inherent value so they need external measures to prove their worth.  One may over focus on their partner.
Keeping that partner is worth more than anything else.

The goal of recovery is inter-dependency.

:This is where a person can care and nurture others but never to one's own personal detriment. 

This external focus leads a codependent person to want to control the other person in the relationship.  This highlights the fundamental paradox of codependency. 

The more someone tries to control another, the more out of control they feel
since no person can change another.

This paradox leads them to feel powerless and victimized.

Codependency is a pervasive experience, it is a lens through which one sees the people in one's life. 
In codependency, emotional experience is often reduced to feelings of fear or anxiety;  (I am not safe) or a resentment (You should be the way I want you to be) or guilt (I cannot say no or I am bad) and shame
(I am not worthwhile or lovable).

Furthermore, people with codependency have the disorder whether there are in relationship or not,
it exists within them.

Codependent relationships are inherently imbalanced.  Usually there is someone who gives beyond what is appropriate, reasonable, or honest, and there is someone who takes inappropriately. 

Recovery is possible.  Therapy can provide understanding of the development of codependency in the  family system.  Also can provide the understanding of how to develop self worth, self assertiveness and boundaries, and identification of needs and asking one's needs to be met. The goal being how do I achieve and maintain an interdependent relationship.











Resources from The Codependeny Recovery Plan, K. Mazzola LMFT

As we look at our communication style, we sometimes wonder why we are not being seen and heard.  We may realize it is time to understand what beliefs or thoughts may get in the way. 

There are some aspects of our thinking that we may have taken from our early years, our caregivers, generational beliefs, education, experiences and how we manage life as adults. 

We can challenge our old beliefs and thinking today to learn more about ourselves and how we communicate. As we become stuck, we are able to re-evaluate ourselves.  We can seek a deeper listening style and provide more honest responses.  

Take a look and evaluate yourself and your beliefs and how you communicate to others. 

Ask yourself, "What am I doing that may interfere with my communication?"

Below you will find ten cognitive distortions we may not realize we use our daily communication with others. Identify what may be a habit, journal  how you use the distortion in your communication today and how you can challenge these mal-adaptive thoughts and ways you can improve to communicate better.

List of Cognitive Distortions
 
All or Nothing Thinking
You look at things black and white categories/absolute.

Over generalization
You view a negative event as a never ending pattern.

Mental Filter
Dwelling on negatives and ignoring positives.

Discounting Positives
Insisting that accomplishments or positive qualities do not exist.

Jumping to conclusions
You assume people are responding negatively to you when there is no definite evidence.
Fortune Telling: You arbitrarily predict things will turn out badly.


Magnification or Minimization
You blow things way out of proportion or shrink their importance.

Emotional Reasoning
“I feel like an idiot so I must be one.” Or “I don’t feel like doing this so I will put it off.”

“Should Statements”
You criticize yourself or others with, “Shoulds. Ought to’s, Have to’s, are similar offenders.

Labeling
You identify with your shortcomings.  Instead of saying “I made a mistake” you say, “I am a jerk.”

Personalization and Blame
You blame yourself for something you were not responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that your behavior has contributed to the problem.

 

We know the moments when we find connection again:
the universe lights up.!

These instances leap from the parts of novels, burn in our brains when we watch them in movies --- and, of course, entrance us when they happen in our own precious relationships.  Everything comes together; suddenly all the blocks roll away and there is an open, easy connection. 

But how did we get there?  If we don't know the path, how can we get there again? 

Renewing your connection is something you and your partner do together. You both help each other keep your emotional balance and turn toward each other and tune in. 

Its a dance.  It is not something you can "fix" all by yourself from the outside by just saying the right words. 

The goal is to understand the disconnection dance.

And please know that the first step in healing is not just recognizing stopping destructive behaviors and words.  This is just the first step.  The second step which is even harder, is actively working together to build a stronger and more durable emotional union.  This requires dumping old emotions. 

For example, that love operates in a fixed steady state, and that becoming more proactive, such as by being alert to the small bends in the fabric of emotional connection and knowing how to repair them.

The process of renewing bonds, we have learned, is continuous and inspiring, taking emotional connection to a whole new level.  It makes us more emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged, and thus it leads to deeper bonding and greater relationship stability and satisfaction. 

It also transforms us as people.  As we take risks and confront our vulnerabilities, our trust grows --- not just in our partners but also in ourselves.








Taken from Love Sense, Sue Johnson

Freud said, "Change depends on the relationship between pain and fear.  If the pain associated with the old increases and/or the fear of the new decreases, we will change."

Reasonable changes can be taken by one who knows that if something does not work out they would still have learned and gained from the experience. This is our Adult part.

There may be delay and disappointment --- perhaps even pain --- in reaching the desired goal. 
However not the devastation of being rendered helpless. 

The antidote to the poison of feeling helpless (our lingering old Child part) is allowing oneself to be vulnerable whenever appropriate and recognizing that choices always exist. 

The ability to exercise these options will result in life improvement empowers us and enables us to attain once "only wished for" and "dreamed of" places.





Taken from Breaking Free, Kardener/Kardener

EQ, EI, Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence is the capability of individuals to identify their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior,
and manage and/or adjust emotions
to adapt to environments or achieve one's goals. 

To identify emotions, clarify emotions, and become curious and
understand emotions as they relate to oneself and others.

There are several components to emotional intelligence.

1. Self Awareness

• Emotional Self-Awareness, the ability to know yourself and understand your feelings.
• Accurate Self-Assessment, understanding your strengths and weaknesses and their effects.
• Self-Confidence, having faith in yourself and being willing to put yourself forward.

2. Self-Management

• Emotional Self-Control, an important part of emotional maturity, controlling your feelings and/or expressing them in the appropriate settings is a key skill.
• Achievement, i.e. being goal-oriented and being able to work toward your goals.
• Initiative, being self-motivated, and having the ability to keep working despite setbacks.
• Transparency, being honest and open, interacting with integrity and being trustworthy.
• Adaptability, showing resilience and the ability to change course when necessary.
• Optimism, having a positive outlook, hoping for the best and preparing for success.

3. Social Awareness

• Empathy, one of the pillars of the ability to form connections with others, understanding and acknowledging others’ emotions.
• Service Orientation, being helpful, contributing to the group effort,
• and displaying good and deep listening skills.
• Organizational Awareness, the ability to explain yourself well and be aware of how you are being understood, as well as sensing the level of comprehension of your audience.

4. Relationship Management

• Inspirational Leadership, like being a good mentor, role model, and authority figure.
• Influence, articulating points in persuasive, clear ways that effectively motivate others.
• Conflict Management, having the skills to improve relationships, negotiate, and lead. The ability to settle disputes, differences of opinion, and misunderstandings.
• Change Catalyst, recognizing and supporting the need for change, and making it happen.
• Developing others, helping others build their skills and knowledge.
• Teamwork and Collaboration, working with others in an effective manner.