Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

I remember gazing into a starry sky...

2/28/2015

When I think of amazement, moments of childhood come rushing back.
Of laying down in the grass,
and looking up at the night sky.
I can almost smell the dew of that grass,
the warmth and safety of just lying there.
seeing the stars, so bright. Counting. Gazing into the sky.
Wondering, questioning, and awe of the vastness.
The bliss of this experience,
taking in the expanse of the sky and the universe.
Why don't I remember this "me" more often?
Moving from the small self into something bigger
is taking time for yourself, to realize you.
Your precious nature of curiosity.
When do we dream and wonder and hope?
We can rediscover amazement.
We can move into that place of being, not doing.
Relaxing.
Pondering, escaping into the vastness.
Slow down and recover the simplicity of being a child
who dreams and questions.
Healing involves recovering those times of you.
This takes only an action.
Take care of you.
Lay on the grass. Gaze at the stars one night.
You can never see an ugly sky.

When Was the Last Time You Talked About What Love Means?

2/27/2015

As much as we need and want love,
we do not spend much time talking about what love means.
Think about it.

You might say, "I love you" every day, but when is the last time you had a conversation,
a serious conversation with someone about the meaning of love?

Love is the mirror image of shame.
We desperately do not want to experience shame, and we are not willing to talk about it.
Yet, the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it.
Maybe we are afraid of topics like love and shame.
Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity.
Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.

Just think, emotions and experiences are tightly woven together in people's stories.
They don't speak of one without the other.
It not an accidental entanglement, it is an intentional knot.
Love belongs with belonging.

Thinking of love brings me to this definition.
Love
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or we get: it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them
--- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.
Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Belonging

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearing is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world,
our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

The Gifts of Imperfection - Brene Brown

From Insanity to Sanity

2/22/2015

Sanity is acting in accord with reality.
Reality is what is happening in, with, around, and right now.
Sanity is living with present.
Insanity is living from the past.

The key to living authentically, rather than habitually,
is engaging the present.
We cannot do that while we are locked in the past.
As long as we "paste the past over the present" and
live today as if it were yesterday, we have no hope.
Change is not just possible but inevitable,
but only if I live in the present.

When you live without the baggage of the past,
when you encounter the present with fresh eyes,
you discover something amazing:
behind the insane you, the crazy you,
there is a greater you.
A sane you. A pure You.
The Hindus call it Atman
and the Westerners call it Soul.
A unique manifestation
that is your true self.

Our Sense of Worthiness Lives Inside Our Story

2/21/2015

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story,
we gain access to our worthiness---
the feeling that we are enough just as we are
and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves
from the parts of our lives that don't fit
with who we think we are supposed to be,
we stand outside of our story
and hustle for our worthiness
by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.

Our sense of worthiness---
that critically important piece
that give us access to love and belonging---
lives inside of our story.

Brene Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection

Essentials to our Soul-Care

2/20/2015

When we don't give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. We put them down, make fun of them, ridicule their behaviors, and sometimes shame them. We can do this intentionally or unconsciously. Either way the message is, "Geez man. Don't be so uncool."

Betrayal is an important word with this guidepost.
When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash
the passionate, goofy heartfelt, and soulful expression of who we are,
we betray ourselves
When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love.

The Hopi Indians have a saying,
"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak."
I know how much courage it takes to let people hear our hearts speak,
but life is way too precious to spend it pretending like we are super-cool and totally in control
when we could be laughing, singing, and dancing.

Get Deliberate. If we believe laughter, song, and dance are essential to our soul-care, how do we make sure that we hold space for them in our lives?
One thing that we have started doing is turning on music in the kitchen while we do a family clean up.
We dance and sing, which in turn, always leads to a good laugh.

Brene Brown ~ The Gifts of Imperfection

Joy is Tethered to our Hearts by Gratitude

2/18/2015

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.
It is our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy
only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear.
Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude,
intense feelings of love
will often bring up the fear of loss.

Neither joy or happiness is constant;
no one feels happy all of the time or joyful all of the time.
Both experiences come and go.
Happiness is attached to external situations and events and
seems to ebb and flow as those circumstances come and go.
Joy seems to be constantly tethered to our hearts by spirit and gratitude.
Our actual experiences of joy ---
these intense feelings of deep spiritual connection
and pleasure---seize us in a very vulnerable way.

Lean into vulnerability. Experience deep joy.

Brene Brown -The Gifts of Imperfection

A Quiet Place

2/17/2015

I have a quiet place within me where I can rest today.
I have a quiet place where I can go that offers
peace, comfort and healing.
It is as close as this moment . . . as close as a breath.
This place is mine whenever I want it.

Discovering the True Self

2/17/2015

Part of discovering the true self is knowing our own values, ideas, and opinions,
and being able to express them and
hold onto them in the face of differing viewpoints and
without having to convince others that we are right.

It also means keeping an open mind
and being willing to change our ideas based on new and better information,
not on the need for approval.

The Universal Law is Love.

2/15/2015

Everyone seeks meaning life.
Some people will be able to reconnect with the religion of their childhood or join another.
Other people may want to follow a more personal spiritual path.
It is possible to begin to believe in the rightness of things, in the legitimacy of being, and to follow a spiritual path which allows for this belief.

The universal law is love, there is not one from who this love is to be withheld.
Children begin to experience a spiritual sense in their connection with natural wonders.
For those who are having existential or spiritual difficulties, perhaps that is the place to begin.

We can all smell a flower, touch a tree, observe a butterfly,
and look up at the stars to find a place in the natural order, a connection to the cosmos.
We can find our place in the universe.

The Primal Wound ~ Verrier

Only False Selves Have No Enemies

2/14/2015

Part of discovering the true self is knowing our own values, ideas, and opinions, and being able to express them and hold onto them in the face of differing viewpoints and without having to convince others that we are right.

It also means keeping an open mind and being willing to change our ideas based on new and better information, not on the need for approval.

We don't need everyone to love us.
What we do need is a sense that we are real.
Only false selves have no enemies.
Only ineffective people cause no controversy.
Only fear based old feelings will keep us from finding our sense of self.
And only we can make the difference.
Nothing is going to change unless we make it change.
Deciding not to act is a choice.

"Remember that what we are not changing,
we are choosing." David Richo