Relationship distress is focused around one word: deprivation.  Looking at unhappy partners through the lens of attachment theory, we see not only what is obviously corrosive in a relationship--that is, the turning against each other in conflict---but also what is missing. 

When love begin to erode, what is missing is attunement
 and the emotional responsiveness that goes with it.

As responsiveness declines, partners become more vulnerable, and their need for emotional connection becomes more urgent.

The potential for conflict increases as partners are filled with unruly emotions they do not understand, and find themselves out of sync with each other. 

Angry protests at the loss of connection escalate.  The repair of specific hurts becomes more and more challenging.  A slow unwinding of the tie begins.  Lack of comfort and closeness feeds distrust and disagreement, and each failed attempt at reconnection and repair breeds more distance. 

As any sense of a safe haven is lost, the old cliche that we build walls when we need bridges come true.

When emotional starvation becomes the norm, and negative patterns of outraged criticism and obstinate defensiveness take over, our perspective changes.  Our love slowly begins to feel like an enemy; our most familiar friend turns into a stranger.  Trust dies, and grief begins in earnest.

Research confirms that the erosion of a bond begins with the absence of emotional support.  Research confirms that unsupportive behavior--minimizing the scope of the problem, discouraging the expression of feelings, offering offhand or unhelpful advice, insisting that their partner follow recommendations was especially predictive of relationship distress.

Researchers, Psychologists L. Pasch and T. Bradbury of the University of California, also concluded that the quality of positive support---reassurance that a partner is loved and esteemed and is capable of taking control of his or her life--is the most crucial factor int he health of any relationship.


Love Sense - Sue Johnson

It is not the 'knowing' of our intellectual minds that keep us stuck from moving forward.

It is the confidence and courage from our hearts we have forgotten.It is the actual process of transformation, of moving from the head to the heart, that changes the way we feel, the way we act, an the way we see and view reality. 

The process of transformation is a journey where we look inside ourselves and reconnect with what's always been there but often hidden--an enormous power that reconnects us with our confidence and our courage. 

When I feel insecure, I can feel the fluttering in my belly that now serves as a reminder that I am disconnected from my source of courage and confidence.  Often it takes only five minutes for me to close my eyes, examine my feelings and reconnect to my source.  This shift can take anywhere from a few minutes to a few days, depending on the issue.

Many of us too often wake up and say something to belittle ourselves, to minimize ourselves, to beat ourselves up.  We do not realize the crippling effect this mind set has on our lives.  We do not realize that every negative thought undermines our self confidence and diminishes our ability to stand tall in the face of life's challenges and our everyday choices.

Negative thoughts and critical things you say to yourself are lies.  It is okay to be yourself.  You are not the only one in the world who feels scared, alone, stupid or unlovable.  You are not the only one who wakes up at times feeling unworthy, not good enough, hopeless, depressed or stuck.  You are not the only one who feels angry, resentful, or pissed off.  These are common feelings and they provide real opportunities to learn how to be a spiritual being.

The transformational process is when you look beneath the surface of your thoughts, your beliefs, and your choices, exposing the underbelly of your behavior. 

You can discover the why and how of your fear based life -- not to make it wrong or to judge it, but to explore and understand, and honor it as the reality that has brought you to where you are today. 

When you look what is hidden from your immediate view, your life will alter.  When you take the time to explore your behavior without self deception or illusion, you will be able to clean up the past and glimpse the future you long for.  You will learn that you can't help but repeat the past when you are always carrying it with you. 

When you realize that there is a part of you that is actively participating in your daily drama, you will start to let your authentic self emerge. 

It is then that your fears become secondary to your power, strength, and confidence.



Debbie Ford - Courage

The new science of love indisputably demonstrates that we are united by nature; we are all imbued with the same existential fears and needs.
 
Empathy is our birthright.  We see it at the earliest age.  One year olds, who do not as yet have language, will offer pats and hugs when a loved one cries "ouch" upon stubbing a toe.  They will share food and toys with playmates and fetch articles and remove obstacles for adults, even at some cost to themselves!

We should abandon the idea that humans are inherently selfish and only help others after mentally tallying up costs and benefits.  The calculation has been made for us.  We naturally favor empathy unless we are consumed by fear or rage. 

When it comes to couples, once partners are able to let go of their desperate self protection and engage emotionally, they respond to their mate's expression of pain and vulnerability with compassion.  This response continually conforms my belief in the basic goodness and generosity of human nature.

The only hope for 'homo sapiens' is to "know itself for what it is."  With such knowledge we can build a society that fits with and complements our most human, most humane nature. 

As Aristotle said, "What a society honors will be cultivated." 

It is time for us to understand, honor, and cultivate the deepest relational elements in our nature.  We must build on the social capital that is at the heart of any civilization that merits the same.


Love Sense - Sue Johnson

When couples go through 'critical mass' for the first time they think its the end of their relationship. 

But, it's really a milestone in developing strength in love.

Even when people have all this information about going through a critical mass state, they come out of it amazed with themselves and the process. 


Critical mass is unbelievable when you go through it the first time.

Some clients refer to this experience as "Going through the looking glass." 

In many ways they feel like Alice in Wonderland.
 
They come out more solid, quietly centered, and more respectful of themselves and their partner.  There is more empathy, other validation, and generosity in their growth and also then in their comfort cycles.  New solutions surface because there is less defensiveness and fewer personal issues contributing to gridlock.  Kindness flows from strength rather than weakness or anxiety.  When a gift is given, there is no doubt it is given freely.

"Going through the looking glass" is an apt description. 
Critical mass often feels like you and your partner are stuck forever---and then there is movement! 

The shift seemingly appears out of nowhere, although in retrospect it always makes remarkable sense.  Just when you are congratulating yourselves on making it through, something else surfaces and you are back in the crucible again.  There are usually more cycles in the chute.  "Going through the looking glass" is not a one time trip, buy it is easier to get back to "Wonderland" as you are better able to hold onto yourself in the marriage.

The first time couples reach 'critical mass' in a marriage they think it is the end of the their relationship.

Critical mass is an opportunity to turn toward your partner rather than away. 
But it is a time limited opportunity when you are on the brink of divorce.

As couples go through critical mass and move through their immediate crisis, they feel more intensely intimate and separate, rather than isolated and drifting apart.  They are more interested in improving their connection than in raging about each others inadequacies. Fights about "what really happened" evaporate. 

Partners become tolerant and more satisfied with themselves, their relationship and each other. That is when they face yet another two choice dilemma: relinquish the growing benefits of increased differentiation or give up fantasies of fusion forever.

Life presents us with the choice of getting what we want, but not the way we might want it.  It is disquieting when long sought improvements occur in ways we do not anticipate.
 
We are challenged to give up cherished notions that keep us stuck. 
Facing that dilemma is part of becoming an adult.

Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch

Marriages, like people, go through cycles of growth and disruption mixed with periods of comfort and stability.  Sometimes partners are in different cycles. 

What happens if one partner is ready to change and the other isn't?  What if you want to expand and deepen your relationships and your partner doesn't? 

What do you do when gridlock intensifies to the point that you are faced with the dilemma of "take it or leave it?"

Answers to such troubling questions are developing self-mastery which involves holding onto yourself, self-confrontation, and self soothing.  

If you venture into a growth cycle in your marriage, you have to hold onto yourself through the anxiety of your change.  If your self-confrontation and self-soothing continue, eventually you grow.  You develop faith in your abilities and enjoy a more exciting and productive life.

What holds true in relationships is that both a growth cycle and a comfort cycle (where growth stands still) are necessary in a marriage. 

Unfortunately, couples often try to keep their relationship in a permanent comfortable cycle.  Sometimes what occurs is that we demand stability in our marriage then complain of sexual boredom.  Avoiding anxiety and emphasizing comfort and safety leads to low sexual desire, lack of intimacy, and withdrawal from your partner.  Unresolved issues you repeatedly dodge start to fester, quietly but steadily eroding your marriage.

If you are willing to lead your marriage into the growth cycle, and you address unresolved issues within your marital gridlock, confronting who you are and the true nature of your connection you are able explore new sexual behaviors, styles and meanings.

This can profoundly deepen your level of connection when times are good, and it can stabilize your marriage and help you work on your own issues when you are in more stressful times.  In this process of self validation and your tolerance of intimacy is being challenged, your level of differentiation increases.  Your marriage then becomes more stable during the stressful times.

These shared growth experiences lead to renewed interest and commitment to your marriage, while building trust and positive feelings. 

True interdependence becomes possible.



Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch, Ph.D.

One property of marital systems is the vulnerability of increasing importance of one's partner; your partner's increasing importance over time naturally increase your vulnerability, which in turn fosters sexual boredom and low desire. 

Two fears bring this about:

1. Fear of losing your partner's acceptance.  No one wants to be rejected by a valued and needed partner.  When your partner's acceptance means more to you than your own integrity, you only reveal your eroticism in ways that will receive acceptance.  Your spouse becomes "too important" for sexual experimentation.  You cannot create sexual novelty or expand your repertoire for fear of disapproval.  The resulting boredom contributes to low desire.

It is a lot easier to introduce sexual novelty and undisclosed aspect of your eroticism in a one night stand or an affair than in your marriage.  It is a greater challenge to your sense of self when you are with your spouse.  That is why sexual boredom (and affairs) are so prevalent. 

We demand stability in marriage---and when we get it, we complain that things are always the same.  This is not quite the benefit we anticipate when we yearn for being important to each other.

2. Fear of losing your partner altogether.  The longer and better your relationship with your partner, the more you stand to lose if you want something important your partner doesn't want ---or if he or she dies.  When your partner's importance exceeds your differentiation (your ability to self sooth), your partner becomes too important to want. 

The end result in not wanting to want. It is a matter of time and personal development.  Poorly differentiated people cannot tolerate nor maintain true interdependence.  The realistic dependencies, contingencies, and vulnerabilities of long term emotionally committed relationships frighten many people.

Are you among those who might dare want your partner?
If you want to keep desire and intimacy alive in your marriage, your continued differentiation must keep pace with your partner's increasing importance.  When your partner become more important to you than your relationship with yourself, you have four  choices:

• Withdraw emotionally.

• Engulf your partner.

• Allow your partner to engulf you.

• Raise your level of differentiation.
  
  Resolving sexual boredom depends on your willingness to tolerate pain for growth, a fact of differentiation.

Low sexual desire cannot be cured with provocative lingerie or sex toys (if such items increase your interest, that is fine).  Low sexual desire is no fun, but it does have a purpose.  It is part of marriage's intricate people growing machine.  It invites you to stretch yourself and your relationship.  Whether you accept the invitation to change from within---or just "dress-up" is your choice.



Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch, Ph.D.

We all grew up with limitations, challenges, fears, and insecurities.

 If we believe that any of these things are the truth and the only truth of who we are, we will stay trapped in our stories.

Those are the patterns that are deeply ingrained in our subconscious mind and watch hopelessly as they take over our actions and our choices. 

How do we access our own courage until we remember who we really are?  How do we realize what we really want?  How do we  know how to contribute to  our lives when we carry our old stories?

We can let go of our human drama.  We can give up the stories that have ruled our lives and shatter the self-image we created to affirm our story.  We can recognize and admit to the ways we have confirmed our story and colluded with our past.  When we distinguish and let go of the beliefs that have kept us bound to the past we can move onto a greater future that is calling to us. 

We can be willing to give up any version of the self that limits us so that we can't become the strong, powerful, courageous person we were born to be in our lives. 

Life is filled with unlimited possibilities for who we can become.  How can we be our courageous self when we find our selves fearful or stuck in some area.  That is when we find ourselves frustrated, tired, bored, resigned, or unfilled.

It is with courage that we move forward dropping our backpacks of stories and memories down and leaving them to stay where they belong, in the past. 

Courage takes risk, and most specifically, the willingness to let go of that oxygen mask of the past we thought we needed.  To trust ourselves that there will be air to breath in
"the here and now." 

We risk the journey to a higher ground where there is freedom from the gravitational pull of our stories, the pull that comes from years of trying to prove that the stories we tell ourselves, the ones we've made up, are the truth, when they are not.

In order to make the best choices, we can make a fundamental and radical shift.  Rather than relating to courage as a resource that we tap into from time to time, we can allow courage to emerge and source our choices and infuse our lives.  The choice is ours to make. 

When we're standing in courage, we make powerful choices for ourselves.  We are no long standing on the shaky ground of a false self-image and tell a story from the past that requires that struggle.

  We tell ourselves the truth about whether our choices and if they make us feel weak, anxious, and insecure, or strong and powerful .

We ask ourselves, "Are our choices are coming from faith or are they coming from fear?"

Our power is internal, and courageous, we can become one who is unafraid of failure, setbacks or the disapproval of others.  Rather than continue to gather new pieces of evidence to support our old stories and to validate them, we begin to shift, convincing ourselves that
we are o.k. the way we are and that who we are today, is just right. 

Knowing ourselves, honoring who we are and our spirit, identifying what we want, what we believe in, and not chasing our cravings for love, approval and attention, then settling for emotional crumbs.

We can realize a self that is beautiful, empowered, scared, and  a holy self without apology, without explanation, without trepidation. 

Let the world see you and the magic of your dreams.  In that, you can discover happiness.

Love relationships aren't meant only to be joyrides  They are also restorative and balancing meeting places where negative emotions are calmed and regulated.  It is a little like the old adage, "Two hearts are better than one,"  and indeed they are!

By moving close to another person, the impact of every risk or threat is reduced.  In horror movies, the hero or heroine is always alone when the ghoul or monster first appears but finally triumphs over fear and fiend with the help of a buddy.

The reason that distress in a relationship so often plunges us into inner chaos is because our hearts and brains are set up to use our partners to help us find our balance in the midst of distress and fear.  If they instead become a source of distress, then we are doubly bereft and vulnerable. 

As one client tells his wife, "That you would do this to me, you of all people.  The one I count on.  I am so confused.  If I cannot trust you, who can I trust?  I thought you had my back; you were my safe place; but now it seems like you are the enemy, and there is no safe place."  The other side of the coin is that loving connection is the natural antidote to fear and pain.

Learning to love and be loved is, in effect, about learning to tune in to our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner and expressing those desires openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her.  When this support helps us balance our emotions--staying in touch with but not being flooded by them--we can then tune in to and sensitively respond to our partner in return. 

Once we are balanced, we can turn to the world and move in it with flexibility, open to learning and able to look at the choices available to us in any situation. 
Nothing makes us stronger and happier than loving, stable long term bonds with others.


Love Sense - Sue Johnson