Blog Archives - Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT

Carry a sense of worthiness with you.

1/31/2016

Engage with the world from a place
of worthiness.
Embrace
your vulnerabilities and imperfections.

Feel a deep sense of love and compassion
towards yourself and others.
Value hard work, perseverance, and respect.

Carry a sense of authenticity
and belonging with you,rather
than searching for it in
external places.

Have the courage to be imperfect,
vulnerable and creative.

Feelings are a part of life, as is struggle and fear.
Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit.

Live from of a place of,
"I am enough."
and dare greatly,
possibly more than you have ever dared before.
Live life, don't be afraid of it.

Brene Brown, From `Daring Greatly'.

Loving Me for My Strengths & Struggles.

1/30/2016

One of the best ways I know to battle shame resilience
is cultivating a safety net that supports me
when I am feeling attacked or hurt.

I have learned to pause, and pay attention to feedback from people who are like me, willing to risk and be vulnerable and find their voice for what they believe.

If you are occasionally getting your butt kicked as you respond and if you are also figuring out how to stay open to feedback without getting pummeled by insults, I am more likely to pay attention to your thought about my work.

On the other hand, you are not helping, contributing, or wrestling with your own gremlins,
I am not at all interested in your commentary.

The second strategy is also simple.
I carry a small piece of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter.
To be on the list, you have to have to love me for my strengths and struggles.

You have to know that I am trying to be wholehearted,
but I still cuss too much, flip people off under the steering wheel and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.

You have to know and respect that I am totally uncool.

There is a great quote from the movie, 'Almost Famous' that says,
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world
is what you share with someone else when you are uncool."

Look to Yourself for Gratitude

1/27/2016

Have you become accustomed to looking to other people for gratification, gratitude, and validation?
Do you attempt to be compassionate, kind, and forgiving, but stop if you do not get validation from others? You may find yourself returning to your old fear based ways when you do not get the responses you expect.

Now it is the time to understand that it is only your gratitude that matters.
Looking to others for validation is just the ego talking and originates in the belief that your happiness is dependent on outside approval of others.

Be concerned with who you are right now, not what you have or have not done in the past.
You may find it helpful to begin by being grateful for your capacity to be kind to another living being. Is this not a precious and beautiful gift that is always available to you?

Make the following commitment each day:
No matter what happens, today my emphasis is on being kind to people in both thought and action.

Allow your kindness to expand to all the people in your life. Even those with whom you are most tempted to become defensive. They are here to teach you how to choose another way of thinking, acting, and being.

When you are defensive and afraid, you have nothing.
When you are kind with a grateful heart, you have everything.

Lee Jampolsky, Walking through Walls.

Risking is about taking chances.

1/26/2016

If your life is ever going to change for the better, you will have to take chances.
You will have to get out of your rut, meet new people, explore new ideas and move along unfamiliar pathways. In a way the risks of self growth involve going into the unknown, into an unfamiliar land where the language is different and customs are different and you have to learn your way around.

When we are ready to grow, we are ready to give up the way we usually see ourselves, which is risky. After all, our old reliable self -- no matter how inadequate or unworthy -- that is the only sense of self we know. What happens if we lose our old self and nothing takes place?
What happens if we obliterate the very essence of our being -- ourselves!

As we take risks, as we move in the direction of growth, we start taking new "pictures" of ourselves, if only in our imagination. We decide we are ready to give up false beliefs, compromises, poor relationships, superficial attachments and self destructive habits. Relinquishing these ingrained aspects of our lives can be difficult, but its absolutely necessary.

There is also an undercurrent of fear that pulse through incessantly,
a message from the scared inner child,
"I am unlovable, I had better settle for what I have,
I'd better not take any chances."

Yet the paradox is that until we give up all that feels secure, we can never really trust the friend, mate, or job that offers us something.
True personal security does not come from without,
it comes from within.
When we are really secure,
we must place our total trust in ourselves.

Sharon Cruse ~ Learning to Love Yourself.

Three Lessons About Joy.

1/18/2016

1. Joy comes to us in moments--ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary. Scarcity culture may keep us afraid of living small, ordinary lives, but when you talk to people who have survived great losses, it is clear that joy is not a constant. Without exception, people who speak about their losses, what they missed the most, spoke about ordinary moments. "If I could come downstairs and see my husband sitting at the table and cursing at the newspaper, just one more time..."

2. Be grateful for what you have. People who have survived tragedy how to cultivate and show more compassion for people who are suffering, the answer was always the same: Don't shrink away from the joy of your child because I have lost mine. Don't take for granted---celebrate it. Don't apologize for what you have. Be grateful for it, share your gratitude with others. Are your parents healthy, be thrilled. Let them know who much they mean to you.

3. Don't squander joy. We cannot prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it is vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen---and they do happen---we are stronger.

Taken from: Daring Greatly/Brene Brown

Couples. "Felt Security."

1/16/2016

Each of have an internal working model.
This is how we interpret and respond to the world and what happens around us.
The stories that we created for us as we grew into adulthood
about what we believed our lives to look like,
our marriage, our children, our homes
are now challenged by what happens in real life.

Often we do not realize that we match our real lives
to our created fantasies of life as we have grown into adults.
Often our partners either know our assumptions and expectations
based on these fantasies of marriage and life.

Our partners provide care giving and care receiving roles.
When there is a degree of lack of fit and added stress, there is conflict.
Thoughts connect to feelings.
There are exits and entrances to our family systems
and those are stress producing change,
even if there is good change.
As well, there is predictable change and unpredictable change.
How do we weather these changes as individuals,
and how do we as a couple?
We as human beings respond to 'felt security'
and when that security is threatened,
conflict arises whether the treat is real or imagined.

In couples work, one of the many questions important towards understanding couples dynamics is:
"How do you share and talk about pressures."
Does the couple have a friendship towards each other,
can they turn towards each other
rather than away
when feeling threatened to work at the issue
as a 'we' rather than isolate.

One of the other questions important in couples work for each to answer is:
"When do you feel appreciated? What makes you feel appreciated?"
The answers that the individual provides
often is much different than what their partner has awareness.
Give it a try.
Ask your partner.
Did the answer match yours?

Eight Psychological Needs

1/16/2016

If I know what my needs are,
then I can learn to meet then efficiently.
All of our behaviors are attempts at meeting one of these needs.

Eight Psychological Needs

Self Worth
Security
Fun
Faith
Freedom
Belonging/Love
Health
Purpose

Human beings are motivated to meet their needs.

I am me.

1/14/2016

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

― Virginia Satir

Taking Back Our Power

1/13/2016

Having examined some of the most common hindrances to integration and wholeness--the beliefs that keep us from assuming our own power--we can look at ways to begin taking our power back. By power I mean "power within" not "power over."

Power within makes us feel calm and whole.
It allows us to be assertive, but not aggressive.

Power over is a form of aggression, intimidation, and control over others.

When one has true power, it makes us free, whereas always feeling the need to control others take away our own power.
True power involves taking responsibility for our choice and action: it involves establishing and maintaining boundaries: it involves inviting change, and it involves taking risks.

Many of these innovative changes overlap when we begin to implement a new attitude toward old experiences. Challenging our old belief system is not as easy as it sounds.
Those beliefs are familiar, they are old friends. It is difficult to let them go.
It is important to challenge old beliefs and to take small steps towards change.

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Taken from: Primal Wound - Nancy Newton Verrier

January 10th, 2016

1/10/2016

There are three giant steps to take if we want to develop high self worth:

1. Remove the toxic substance or behavior.

2. Look back and make new choices
about old messages and feelings.

3. Develop new behaviors and feelings that
enhance a budding new growth of self-worth.

Self worth is a choice, not a birthright.

Many people were born into families and to parents
who themselves were not given healthy dose of self-worth.
This lack is passed on from generation to generation.

From an early age a child experiences the world in relationship to self.
To the child, the world reflects back an image that helps the child form, to define himself or herself.
If the world (parents, friend, family, teachers) presents the child with a picture of that child's worth,
the child feels worthy and acts in a manner that increases worthiness.

Far too many children were born into families where parents were poorly prepared
to give them the care and attention needed for healthy growth.
Some parents were too busy establishing their own worth and place in the world.
Other parents were children themselves.

Emotionally repressed and stoic parents tend to produce
emotionally repressed and stoic children,
not just by rules alone, but also by their own example.

The child finds spontaneity and emotional freedom
giving way to what is "proper" and "appropriate" and socially acceptable,
and one's person-hood takes
another step backwards - a giant step backward.

A child in this environment begins to fear "feeling and emotions"
and tries to develop ways to control feelings.
What then authentically felt gives way to what is proper to feel,
and "reality" becomes distorted.
Instead of feeling what we feel, we feel what is proper to feel and
we learn to ignore
our inner experience.

Weisgerber-Cruse