Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
  • Home
  • Yelp! Reviews
  • About
  • Couples Therapy
  • Individual Therapy
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Addiction
  • More
    • More Testimonials
    • Family
    • Resources and Related Links
    • Neurofeedback

Codependent Survival

2/13/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
Codependency is the dependence on the needs of or control of another.
It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

Codependency may also be characterized by denial,
low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.

The Five Core Symptoms of Codependency
1.   Neglecting your own needs
2.   No or Few Boundaries
3.   Owning your own reality
4.   Low Self Esteem
5.   Black and White Thinking


1.   Neglecting Our Own Needs and Wants. All people have needs, children as well as adults. A child must have his or her needs met initially by his or her major caregiver, or parent.  When this happens children are taught how to take care of each need they have when they become adults.
Codependents have had confusing messages as children and not have had their needs and wants met appropriately by their caregivers or parents.  Their needs were not met, perhaps ignored or denied.
A codependent’s needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low
self-esteem when having a need or want.
Sometimes the need or want has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish.

This shame likely originated at multiple times when, as children, they were neglected by a caregiver or parent.  An example of such abuse is in scolding the child for having a need or want. Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.   Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness in a child and low self-esteem and trusting one’s own feelings as an adult.

2. Difficulty Setting or Respecting Boundaries.   An external boundary is about our distance to other people and being in the space of others and others are in our space.  An internal boundary protects our thinking, feeling, and keeps our behavior functional. Some people call internal boundaries walls.
A person who has no boundaries cannot be aware or sensitive to the boundaries of others.  
Codependents demonstrate the boundaries that their parents had. 
If the parent’s boundaries were nonexistent,
the children usually do not develop any boundaries. 

3. Owning Our Own Reality.  Children, who come from dysfunctional families where they are ignored, attacked, or abandoned for their reality, learn that it is not appropriate or safe to express their reality. When these children grow up, they have difficulty as adults experiencing and owning their own reality since it was denied as children.
Thus, these adult codependents may not even recognize their own needs and wants. 
They have been taught to be aware and meet the needs and wants of others.


 4. Low self esteem. Codependents usually experience difficulty with self-esteem and in one of two different extremes.  Either an extreme low self-esteem or the extremes of
feeling superior to others, (you think you are set apart and superior to other people).
A codependent often looks towards other to meet their needs. 
Their needs are often connected to a feeling of shame or low self-esteem
when having a need or want. Sometimes the need or want
has a meaning to them of being terribly selfish. 
An example of such abuse is scolding the child for having a need or want.
Even though the issue is forgotten, the triggered shame flares again and again.  
Repetitive abuse develops a core of shame and worthlessness
in a child and low self-esteem as an adult.

5. Black and White Thinking. Not knowing how to be moderate
is a visible symptom of codependency.
Codependents think in terms of black and white, good or bad, all or nothing.

 Codependent Relationships
Codependency is addiction to a relationship. 
A codependent tries so hard to “fix” or “save” someone else
that his/her own life is left in turmoil. 
No one can control anyone else-----other people’s troubles
are mostly due to patterns only they can change so trying to change
those leads to one painful disappointment after another!

There are reasons we’re drawn to new relationships in which we try harder to solve our partner’s problems than they do.  These patterns are often from having to have grown up with parents or others adults who suffered from alcoholism, other drug addiction, or other addictive disorders or family dysfunction and may echo our childhood relationships with those adults.

Codependent Survival
Moving from little or no esteem to esteeming ourselves in a healthy ways, feels unfamiliar, for we are used to telling ourselves that we are being arrogant, or when we set boundaries that we are being distant. Put more energy into loving yourself than you do into trying to love others. Learning how to love yourself is at the heart of learning how to love others in a healthy way.

Your feelings are o.k., your reaction to them may not be. 
Learn to make this distinction.  Healthy systems of support will validate your feelings and will offer you guidance on how to constructively deal with your feelings.
Nobody recovers perfectly!
Human beings sometimes make mistakes and have relapses.
Healthy systems of support allow for mistakes and encourage
you to embrace your imperfections in order to learn what you need to learn!

Remember, in the face of all this discomfort that:
You are responsible to you and
your own well-being first,and others second!

This will be against your past learning and training,
but it is important to know that you can care about others
without having to take care of them!

You may need to also feel the anxiety as you make these changes. 
You may need to
– just stand the anxiety – as everybody around you is reacting.




Facing Codependency - Pia Melody

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author:
    Jo Ellen Fletcher, M.A.
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist


    Archives

    May 2025
    April 2025
    March 2025
    December 2024
    September 2024
    June 2024
    November 2023
    September 2023
    March 2023
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    December 2019
    August 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013

    RSS Feed

    View my profile on LinkedIn
Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos from James St. John, johnvoo_photographer, Graniers, liveoncelivewild, qnrshop, torbakhopper, JayCob L., sandklef, Sam_Catch, torbakhopper, Belzie, Tomas Sobek, Infomastern, flequi, seier+seier, Adrian Dreßler, wackybadger, Sound80Roma, Kurdishstruggle, Amourins, pit thompson, Lord Jim, mikecogh, forum.linvoyage.com, torbakhopper, mikecogh, Alice Barigelli, Irene Grassi (sun sand & sea), Ania i Artur Nowaccy, hyacinth50, Maxime Raphael, grilled cheese, theilr, paranamir, LotsaSmiles Photography, Seniju, hedera.baltica, joejukes, Kitty Terwolbeck, Z Carlos, Tambako the Jaguar, Barry B's Photography, villoks, mikecogh, kevin dooley, torbakhopper, Roudoudou Hirons, kellynphillong, Digikuvaaja, Philippe Put, avrene, brewbooks, mikecogh, Angelia's Photography, thethreesisters, Infomastern, mikebaird, Phil and Pam, Ashley Campbell Photography, mikecogh, CJS*64 A man with a camera, automobileitalia, Thomas Rousing Photography, Daniela Vladimirova, Hernan Piñera, mrsmorningsun, mattyeo, DrPhotoMoto, ECraig4, smallcurio, Rum Bucolic Ape, built4love.hain, Sir, Rony, Paul Schultz, forkcandles, VinothChandar, districtinroads, Daniel Sjöström, ingridkreuz, fabiane13, Jurastapark, erix!, tara marie, ** RCB **, missbutterflies, Denna Jones, Kyrre Gjerstad, .FuturePresent., Skley, LadyDragonflyCC - >;<, fofie57, torbakhopper, Parker Knight, Japanexperterna.se, °linda°!°, wht_wolf9653, DrPhotoMoto, oliver.kratzke, Su Bee Buzz!, Casey David, Iqbal Osman1, davidmulder61, TangOblivion, Kirt Edblom, Tambako the Jaguar, www.photosbyroberta.com, romanboed, Zemzina, UpSticksNGo, matthewcunnelly, Stuart Chalmers, Johan G, Prestonbot, blumenbiene, torbakhopper, Hitchster, Josep Ma. Rosell, Kurayba, frankieleon, pikawil100, torbakhopper, Sten Dueland, Sir, Rony, errase, erix!, JohnSeb, woodleywonderworks, shixart1985 (CC BY 2.0), Lisa Brewster, forum.linvoyage.com, aredmon48, Stewart Black, kevin dooley, KnockOut_Photographs, Lars Plougmann, Tela Chhe, tocausan, étoiles filantes, RobotSkirts, sprout_creative, Nina Matthews Photography, nadia nameless., Tribes of the World, donnierayjones, FJH Photography, Brainedge, torbakhopper, josh.greentree, Kjunstorm, KnockOut_Photographs, danigutib, Beverly & Pack, wackybadger, halfabear, foilman, jtstewart, Rob Gallop, Joel Müller, patrickmarcus, aellin, @sage_solar, Parker Knight, Nina Matthews Photography, Swami Stream, n_sapiens, VinothChandar, Sharon Mollerus, Rina V., cleide isabel, tsuru_g4, artist in doing nothing, AJC ajcann.wordpress.com, NIAID, pedrosimoes7, GollyGforce - Living My Worst Nightmare, Eric Van Buskirk, Infomastern, jfingas, davethebass, Anders Printz, AGraddyPhoto, Claudio Gennari ..."Cogli l'attimo ferma il tempo", leonyaakov, Free HDR & Photomanipulations - www.freestock.ca, Lara Cores, Schristia, ^@^ina (Irina Patrascu), Parker Knight, kevin dooley, Keoni Cabral, Nels_P_Olsen, Roger Blackwell, nathan_cef, RTD Photography, Astro witch, Steve A Johnson, Sir, Rony, RJJ245, Craig Loftus, martin 65, permanently scatterbrained, boellstiftung, seyed mostafa zamani, Mirra Photography, Pink Sherbet Photography, @RunRockPrincess, torbakhopper, Life of JennRene, EraPhernalia Vintage . . . (playin' hook-y ;o), CarbonNYC [in SF!], don r faulkner, stimpsonjake, Pannonius Rex, Paulo Brandão, jroblear, peasap, pedrosimoes7, steve p2008, Didriks, Ksionic, Ryan_M651, kalyan02, eflon, Khanelle Prod' Medias, francisco_osorio, kaibara87, Tanozzo, Leonard John Matthews, garwol4130, H o l l y., AK Rockefeller, Steven Pisano, amsfrank, jafsegal, freddie boy, HockeyholicAZ, James St. John, Parker Knight, kevin dooley, bortescristian, robynejay, Rutkowski Photography, Poetprince, Ani Carrington, torbakhopper, Swami Stream, caalo10, Sten Dueland, swong95765, af.fotografie, H o l l y., MarkMoz12, Cameron Ba✝hory, jvoves, oddmenout, All Kinds of New, !Koss, the Italian voice, black.mirror, Thomas Leuthard, Helga Weber, chang2034, kleinfreund, francisco_osorio, Forsaken Fotos, Philipe Photos, Crystalline Radical, Rennett Stowe, jasleen_kaur, Jamiecat *, H o l l y., VinothChandar, slyronit, simpleinsomnia, Toffee Maky, Carodean Road Designs, State Farm, World/In/My/Eyes, dj1471, ulisse albiati, Erik Charlton, donnierayjones, Spirit-Fire, See-ming Lee 李思明 SML, DoD News Features, quinn.anya, ilovememphis, christiankaff, Eric Kilby, felixp7, steviep187, llinddsayy, moonlightbulb, japanese_craft_construction, Monkey Mash Button, Yuri Yu. Samoilov, Oneras, Clearly Ambiguous, dolbinator1000, Purple Sherbet Photography, peno4, SashaW, tvdxer, F▲IL, Philippe Put, torbakhopper, Robert Agthe, CJS*64 A man with a camera, tiinal91, Ray Bouknight, Matiluba, jk+too, Tasos K., tnssofres, CJS*64, Martin Pulaski, marfis75, mikecogh, CityTree עץבעיר, potzuyoko, Ania i Artur Nowaccy, Orin Zebest, Spider.Dog, Synergy by Jasmine, bearepresa, Prestonbot, Photommo, jseliger2, Life of JennRene, Alaskan Dude, CJS*64, CJS*64, XYZ Wedding Photography, rawdonfox, Maik Meid, janeperezphoto, Laurel L. Russwurm, Trenten Kelley Photography, Cast a Line, TaMiMi Q8, Davide Restivo, Silentmind8, mikecogh, Aurelien G. Photographie, psyberartist, amateur photography by michel, baumrasen, scarlett.photo, fromthemitten, ierdnall, distelfliege, Nina Matthews Photography, hepp, televisione, Pixelteufel, amboo who?, CarbonNYC, JohnGoode, Simon & His Camera, Eliezer Borges, ricky_1146, juliejordanscott, Mizrak, Tjook, Ambernectar 13, torbakhopper, Esteban Parreno, garryknight, torbakhopper, Ania i Artur Nowaccy, Jeff Hudgins / Alabama, pcutler, Craig Hatfield, Ravages, akimela, olivierbxl, Bengt Nyman, mikecogh, Evoflash, Erin Stoodley, DanielKrieg.de, włodi, db Photography | Demi-Brooke, Linds :), nattu, jurvetson, KLGreenNYC, phalinn, gailhampshire, Maria Schaefer Photography, torbakhopper, gabepopa, josemanuelerre, Simson_Petrol, postman.pete, Photography by Brian Lauer, quinn.anya, Jo Naylor, matrianklw, donjd2, H.P. Brinkmann, junxdelux, ewan traveler, AndresRSaenz, Alyssa L. Miller, Bruce Guenter, timlewisnm, valhouser, GabPRR, .tafo., Dwilliams851, katerha, wbaiv, MDB Images, ketrin1407, qwrrty, Neal., liquene, chaps1, Neal., raymond_zoller, ellenm1, Rusty Clark - On the Air M-F 8am-noon, istolethetv, Pedro Rotta, UrbanDigger.com, takebackyourhealthconference, GU / 古天熱, hahnfamilywines, epSos.de, seeveeaar, Spojení, Isabel Cortés Úbeda, Beedie's Photos, QUOI Media, bastii., zayzayem, jordanmerrick, Kirsten Hartsoch, Keoni Cabral, keyofnight, Peter Werkman (www.peterwerkman.nl), Street Photography Addict, Blucoala, markus spiske, Ricymar Photography (Thanks to all the fans!!!!), moonjazz, MsSaraKelly, namuit, joannapoe, Zabowski, DenisDenis, Cast a Line, Flickinpicks, mikecogh, bclark, caiteesmith photography., Christof Timmermann, Stannah International, Wonder woman0731, Môsieur J. [version 9.1], docoverachiever, Lucia Whittaker, The Chagrined Lover عشق بسمل, Scubaspa Maldives, Nickay3111, shixart1985, Go-tea 郭天, dno1967b, lovz2hike, quinn.anya, SupportPDX, plassen, Jon Bunting, ldifranza, Sergey Vladimirov, Tony Webster, jade:\, pikawil100, Colin Henderson [email protected], Artist in doing nothing., elisasizzle, One Candle Photos, CJS*64, Lars Plougmann, jonseidman, Fan.D & Dav.C Photgraphy, ancasta1901, littlemoresunshine, taylormackenzie, rippchenmitkraut66, torbakhopper, lightfetcher, mikecogh, forum.linvoyage.com, mikecogh, Luis Marina, niyam bhushan, Cameron † Evans, lydia mann, donnierayjones, dno1967b, zbma Martin Photography, Ian D. Keating, FJH Photography, bark, docoverachiever, GordonsPictures, SimpleSkye