We either make ourselves miserable
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.
The negative self talk is the internal dialogue that we call the "inner voice." The inner voice has been described in different way. It is like a set of parental recordings that are like tapes. Internalized parental voices, become automatic thoughts. Whatever we call them, all of us have some voice in our heads. Shame based people especially have dominant negative shaming, self deprecating voices.
The "voice" may be described as the language of the insidious self destructive process existing, to various levels in every person. The voice represents an external point of view toward oneself initially derived from the parents' suppressed hostile feelings toward the child.
The "voice" may be experienced consciously as thought. Most often it is partially conscious or totally unconscious. Most of us are unaware of the habitual activity of the "voice."
We become aware of it in certain stressful situations of exposure when our shame is activated. After making a mistake one might call oneself a 'stupid fool.' Or say, 'There I go again, I am such a blundering klutz.'
Actually getting rid of the "voice" is extremely difficult because of the original rupturing
of the interpersonal bridge and the resulting 'fantasy bond.'
As children are abandoned, and the more severely they are abandoned (neglected, abused, enmeshed), the more they create the illusion of connection with the parent. The illusion is what Robert Firestone calls the "fantasy bond."
In order to create the 'fantasy bond' the child has to idealize his parents and make himself bad. The purpose of fantasy bonding is survival. The child desperately relies on his parents. They cannot be bad. If they are bad or sick, then the child cannot survive.
So the fantasy bond (which makes them good and the child bad) is like a mirage in the desert. It give the child the illusion there is nourishment and support in his life.
Years later, when the child leaves the parent, the 'fantasy bond' is set up internally.
It is maintained by the 'voice.'
What was once external --- the parent's screaming, scolding, punishing voice, now becomes internal. For this reason the process of confronting and changed the inner voice creates a great deal of anxiety.
However, there is never any deep therapeutic change without anxiety.
Once you have identified and experienced 'the voice' you can challenge both the content and the dictates of the voice. By consciously going against 'the voice',
by using positive mantras, and words like, "I deserve"
and letting go of the words, "I should."
We truly cannot give what we do not have ourselves.
If we are shame based we cannot teach our children
to self value.
Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw
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