Often as children, we have not met the developmental tasks in an open family system. Those may not have learned skills of self soothing their own discomfort, the overwhelming emotions, learning how to be vulnerable without judgement or criticism and able to express and discuss negative emotions. Asking for one's needs to be met is an adult skill also. Adults are able to identify their needs, find their voice and ask for their needs to be met from their partners. As survivors of any childhood "developmental trauma" one is initially injured more grievously in one's 'emotional natures' than most.
However, the silver lining in this is; many of us were forced to consciously address our suffering because our wounding was so extreme and often showed up in our relationship. Those who work an effective "recovery" and address their emotional needs evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society.
Perhaps the greatest reward of improved emotional intelligence is seen in a greater capacity for deeper intimacy. Emotional intelligence is a foundational ingredient of 'relational intelligence' - a type of intelligence that is frequently diminished in the general populace.
Intimacy is greatly enhanced when two people dialogue about all aspects of their experience.
This is especially true when they transcend taboos against full emotional communication.
Feelings of love, appreciation and gratitude are naturally enhanced when we reciprocally show our full selves -- confident or afraid, loving or alienated, proud or embarrassed. What an incredible achievement it is when any two of us create such an authentic and supportive relationship!
Many of the most intimate relationships that I have seen between people are those who have done a good deal of freeing themselves from the negative legacies of their upbringings.
Complex PTSD, Walker