Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.
Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity.
Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group.
When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn't deteriorate into emotional fusion.
Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving you relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less o a person with less of a relationship.
What is most important is differentiation.
Differentiation is your ability to maintain your true sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others---especially as they become increasingly important to you.
Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform.
Well differentiated people can agree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with then and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.
Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity.
Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group.
When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn't deteriorate into emotional fusion.
Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving you relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less o a person with less of a relationship.
What is most important is differentiation.
Differentiation is your ability to maintain your true sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others---especially as they become increasingly important to you.
Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform.
Well differentiated people can agree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with then and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.
Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
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