A child's reaction to society's edicts goes through a number of predictable signs. Typically the first response is to hide forbidden behaviors from the parents.
Children instinctively observe the choices their parents make, the freedoms and pleasures the ignore, and the rules that they follow. All of this has a profound effect on children.
Whether children accept their parent's model or rebel against it, this early socialization plays a significant role in mate selection and often a hidden source of tension in married life.
The child thinks angry thoughts but doesn't speak them out loud. Parents have expressed their displeasure at anger. He/she explores their body in the privacy of his/her room. He/she teases the younger sibling when the parents are away.
Eventually the child comes to the conclusion that some thoughts and feelings are so unacceptable that they should be eliminated, so the child constructs an imaginary parent in his head to police his thoughts and activities, a part of the mind that therapists call the "superego."
Now whenever the child has a forbidden thought or indulges in an "unacceptable" behavior, the child experiences a self administered jolt of anxiety. This is so unpleasant that the child puts to sleep some of those forbidden parts of himself---in Freudian terms, he represses them.
The ultimate price of the child's obedience is a loss of wholeness.
In order for the child to hold on to his adaptive character traits because they serve a purpose, yet he does not want to be rejected for the negative traits is to deny his attacker.
"I'm not weak or needy, I'm just sensitive." The child's self protection is to prevent further wounding as the child is criticized for having negative traits. These negative traits became what is referred to as the "disowned self" those parts of the false self that are too painful to acknowledge.
Whatever the nature of the false self, its purpose is the same to minimize the pain of loosing part of the child's original wholeness.
Your "lost self" are those parts of your being that you had to repress
because of the demands of society.
Your "false self" is the facade that you erected in order to fill the void created
by this repression and by a lack of adequate nurturing.
Your "disowned self" is the negative part of your false self that met with disapproval
and were therefore denied.
We too, go through life truncated, cut in half. We cover our wound with healing ointment and gauze in an attempt to heal ourselves, but despite our efforts an emptiness wells up inside us. We try to fill this emptiness with food, with drugs, with relationships and activities, but what we yearn for is our original wholeness, our full range of emotions, the inquisitive mind that was our birthright, and the Buddha-like joy that we experienced as young children.
The spiritual yearning for completion that finding the right person --- that perfect mate --- will complete us and make us whole, we believe. This special person can't be just anyone.
"This is the one! This is the one," we say,
that will make up the wounds of the past!
This person is invariably someone who has
both the positive and negative traits of our parents!
Getting the Love You Want - Dr. Harville Hendrix
Children instinctively observe the choices their parents make, the freedoms and pleasures the ignore, and the rules that they follow. All of this has a profound effect on children.
Whether children accept their parent's model or rebel against it, this early socialization plays a significant role in mate selection and often a hidden source of tension in married life.
The child thinks angry thoughts but doesn't speak them out loud. Parents have expressed their displeasure at anger. He/she explores their body in the privacy of his/her room. He/she teases the younger sibling when the parents are away.
Eventually the child comes to the conclusion that some thoughts and feelings are so unacceptable that they should be eliminated, so the child constructs an imaginary parent in his head to police his thoughts and activities, a part of the mind that therapists call the "superego."
Now whenever the child has a forbidden thought or indulges in an "unacceptable" behavior, the child experiences a self administered jolt of anxiety. This is so unpleasant that the child puts to sleep some of those forbidden parts of himself---in Freudian terms, he represses them.
The ultimate price of the child's obedience is a loss of wholeness.
In order for the child to hold on to his adaptive character traits because they serve a purpose, yet he does not want to be rejected for the negative traits is to deny his attacker.
"I'm not weak or needy, I'm just sensitive." The child's self protection is to prevent further wounding as the child is criticized for having negative traits. These negative traits became what is referred to as the "disowned self" those parts of the false self that are too painful to acknowledge.
Whatever the nature of the false self, its purpose is the same to minimize the pain of loosing part of the child's original wholeness.
Your "lost self" are those parts of your being that you had to repress
because of the demands of society.
Your "false self" is the facade that you erected in order to fill the void created
by this repression and by a lack of adequate nurturing.
Your "disowned self" is the negative part of your false self that met with disapproval
and were therefore denied.
We too, go through life truncated, cut in half. We cover our wound with healing ointment and gauze in an attempt to heal ourselves, but despite our efforts an emptiness wells up inside us. We try to fill this emptiness with food, with drugs, with relationships and activities, but what we yearn for is our original wholeness, our full range of emotions, the inquisitive mind that was our birthright, and the Buddha-like joy that we experienced as young children.
The spiritual yearning for completion that finding the right person --- that perfect mate --- will complete us and make us whole, we believe. This special person can't be just anyone.
"This is the one! This is the one," we say,
that will make up the wounds of the past!
This person is invariably someone who has
both the positive and negative traits of our parents!
Getting the Love You Want - Dr. Harville Hendrix
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