When your relationship seemingly comes to a halt: when you and your partner reach gridlock, neither of you can reduce anxiety through accommodation, and neither of you has any of the old kind of validation to offer the other.
Truly validating your partner when you have reached gridlock means accepting that he or she is less likely to accommodate you---and you will have to confront yourself.
At the point of gridlock your choices are limited.
1. Push your partner to violate himself/herself by accommodating you.
2. Turn yourself over to your partner by accommodating him/her.
3. Separate emotionally or physically or,
4. Confront yourself and become more differentiated.
Gridlocked couples experience themselves as "falling out of love."
Ironically the ability to love doesn't truly develop until the honeymoon is over and gridlock arrives.
Gridlock drives you closer to your own core
as it nudges you towards differentiation.
And as you get more firsthand experience with your own essence, you become more accepting of everyone else, including your partner.
Passionate Marriage - Schnarch