Construct your ability for self confrontation, removing your issues of gridlock in a conflict situation in your marriage.
Confronting your personal issues in these situations becomes an act of integrity.
You do this unilaterally, without counting on your partner to do likewise, and without getting lost in what he/she is or is not doing. Sometimes this involves owing your projections, those parts of you that you see in your partner.
Even when your partner does not reciprocate. You focus on yourself instead of "working on the relationship" or trying to change your partner.
You stop trying to make your partner listen, validate, or accept you.
You listen to yourself.
It is not easy, but this act of integrity is possible when you let the best in you run the show.
When you stop cajoling your partner to change in any particular direction, you can pay attention to what it is you can change within yourself.
You will simply want him/her to stand up and define themselves too. You will stop disputing their position and pay attention to their point of view so YOU can make intelligent decisions.
If your partner thinks you are trying to drag him/her forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him/her to "dig in their heels" and remain complacent or resistant.
For a solution, look in different directions from where you have look in the past.
Reconsider options you have previously discounted.
Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate you.
Listen to yourself.
Wise sages from every age have noted that we see the world not as it is, but as we are.
Insights are always true about perceiver but not necessarily about what is perceived. Ask yourself, "What is it in me that predisposes me to see my partner this way?"
Even when observations about our partner are accurate arriving at this realization may mean that this particular truth is most relevant and timely to our own development.
And....consider the wisdom of silence.
Don't let your partner fight with you instead of himself.
Sharing your own insights about your partner ---especially when it repeatedly angers him/her --- is more often an expression of your own need for validation.
Prior generations recognized that marriage is often improved by the two or three things not said each day.
Schnarch - Passionate Marriage
Confronting your personal issues in these situations becomes an act of integrity.
You do this unilaterally, without counting on your partner to do likewise, and without getting lost in what he/she is or is not doing. Sometimes this involves owing your projections, those parts of you that you see in your partner.
Even when your partner does not reciprocate. You focus on yourself instead of "working on the relationship" or trying to change your partner.
You stop trying to make your partner listen, validate, or accept you.
You listen to yourself.
It is not easy, but this act of integrity is possible when you let the best in you run the show.
When you stop cajoling your partner to change in any particular direction, you can pay attention to what it is you can change within yourself.
You will simply want him/her to stand up and define themselves too. You will stop disputing their position and pay attention to their point of view so YOU can make intelligent decisions.
If your partner thinks you are trying to drag him/her forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him/her to "dig in their heels" and remain complacent or resistant.
For a solution, look in different directions from where you have look in the past.
Reconsider options you have previously discounted.
Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate you.
Listen to yourself.
Wise sages from every age have noted that we see the world not as it is, but as we are.
Insights are always true about perceiver but not necessarily about what is perceived. Ask yourself, "What is it in me that predisposes me to see my partner this way?"
Even when observations about our partner are accurate arriving at this realization may mean that this particular truth is most relevant and timely to our own development.
And....consider the wisdom of silence.
Don't let your partner fight with you instead of himself.
Sharing your own insights about your partner ---especially when it repeatedly angers him/her --- is more often an expression of your own need for validation.
Prior generations recognized that marriage is often improved by the two or three things not said each day.
Schnarch - Passionate Marriage
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