Today it seems that "ghosting" in ending a dating relationship is way too frequent and popular. "Ghosting" has become far too common in the dating scene today.
"Ghosting" is the term used when someone you have been dating abruptly ends the relationship without any contact at all. Suddenly no calls, texts, or communication.
Listening to many clients who have experienced the painful type of good-bye called "ghosting" I say to them,
"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!"
"Ghosting" is about the emotionally immature partner who avoids their own feelings of discomfort, avoids vulnerability and honesty.
Their own goal is to make it easy for them to say goodbye.
The "ghosting" process is not that the partner had lack of feelings towards you. The person "ghosted" often goes to the place that their feelings did not matter in the relationship. In fact the feelings did matter. The partner who does the "ghosting" does not want to feel bad themselves. They do not want to face any personal pain or the pain they may cause in saying goodbye. Avoidance of feeling.
"Ghosting " is selfish.
In fact "ghosting" is emotional cruelty.
What happens to the partner who has been shut down by all communication and "ghosted"???
It is common to initially feel shock, denial and confusion.
Think about how close you may have felt to someone and with the belief that all is doing well or even just o.k., then not hear a word. How devastating!
I have even heard from clients that these partners have discussed with them the term "ghosting". How the partner does not participate in that kind of good-bye! What I really hear from that statement is, "trust me, I am being authentic, I won't do this to you, then I do it to you"
Talk about emoitonal cruelty!
After the initial realization that their partner is not answering them and has "bowed" out without a word or reason, that "ghosted" person often is followed by emotions of shame, embarrassment, and more confusion.
One may feel powerless due to not being able to speak about their feelings and not able to discuss and understand their partners decision. The abruptness of no communication can create a feeling of powerlessness, low self esteem and initiate negative stories we make up in order to define the ending of the relationship which can sometimes begin with self blame. Guessing and uncertainty alone creates pain.
Those who have been "ghosted" ~ please don't go there. Its not about you. Its about your ex-partner's lack of courage and emoitonal incompetency.
As shame comes up for the partner that has been "ghosted", often feelings from previous relationships of rejection surface. In many individuals some early emoitonal abandonment can be activated.
This abandonment is formed when we have had to trust our caregiver during our formative years and the caregivers were not there with emotional support. With immature cognitive thoughts, the child blames themselves and the child can carry a notion of "not being good enough" as they grow in the world. Unprocessed and internalized beliefs, those symbiotic emotions of shame and 'not feeling good enough' arise in the "ghosted" adult. Can you see the emoitonal cruelty that ghosting induces?
So, you who have had these difficult "ghosting" experiences. Know this.
You are resilient. Be patient with yourself and strengthen your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who are like you who honest and kind. Try to keep things simple and laugh often. Distract yourself with some social events. Continue to define your life with authenticity, and dismiss any ideas of perfectionism and perceived judgement. Accept your wonderful humanness. Keep walking forward, your self worth is within you, not in others.
Continue to be your authentic and vulnerable self.
Freud said, “Two hallmarks of a healthy life are the abilities to love and to work. Each requires imagination.”
Don't forget to keep loving...
You are resilient, compassionate and courageous. Please continue to be in your authentic self. Allow yourself to relax and move gently forward....You will find the right partner.