Marriage is a laissez-passer, a passport to travel in tandem on life's journey. Even if the bride and groom have been partners for some time, they are never fully prepared for this journey. Thinking about the road is not the same as moving down the road.
They need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip.
They need to decide the direction in which they will travel and the conveyance they will use.
Will it be the fast lane or the slow lane?
How much money and what kind of provisions are available?
What pace is most comfortable, and where are the stopping places?
How will they deal with bends in the road and with sudden landslides that temporarily block their path?
Today the road maps of their predecessors are unreliable because the landscape and the destinations have changed.
You do not have to be an adult to begin this journey, but unless you are working toward adulthood, the journey is likely to end in failure. For people who marry young, the tasks of early marriage coincide with the tasks of consolidating adulthood. A good marriage can help each partner become an adult, while a poor marriage can block or delay adulthood.
The first task in any marriage ---romantic, rescue, traditional, or any other type --- is to separate psychologically from the family of origin and simultaneously create a new kind of connectedness with the parent's generation.
These intertwined tasks, seemingly in opposition, are mutually necessary.
Psychological separation means gradually detaching from your family's emotional ties. It does not mean driving across the country in a Volkswagen bus or taking a three year assignment in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia. It does not mean just sharing an apartment with someone you love. It does not mean even getting married and having children --- for you can do all that without separating from psychologically from your original family. Can you be your chronological age in front of your family?
To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgement and your own ability to make choices.
Most of all, you must shift your primary love and loyalty to the marital partner and your primary focus to establishing a new family.
This emotional shift from being a son or daughter to being a wife or husband is accomplished by internally reworking your attachments to and conflicts with your parents.
The Good Marriage - Wallerstein & Blakeslee
They need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip.
They need to decide the direction in which they will travel and the conveyance they will use.
Will it be the fast lane or the slow lane?
How much money and what kind of provisions are available?
What pace is most comfortable, and where are the stopping places?
How will they deal with bends in the road and with sudden landslides that temporarily block their path?
Today the road maps of their predecessors are unreliable because the landscape and the destinations have changed.
You do not have to be an adult to begin this journey, but unless you are working toward adulthood, the journey is likely to end in failure. For people who marry young, the tasks of early marriage coincide with the tasks of consolidating adulthood. A good marriage can help each partner become an adult, while a poor marriage can block or delay adulthood.
The first task in any marriage ---romantic, rescue, traditional, or any other type --- is to separate psychologically from the family of origin and simultaneously create a new kind of connectedness with the parent's generation.
These intertwined tasks, seemingly in opposition, are mutually necessary.
Psychological separation means gradually detaching from your family's emotional ties. It does not mean driving across the country in a Volkswagen bus or taking a three year assignment in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia. It does not mean just sharing an apartment with someone you love. It does not mean even getting married and having children --- for you can do all that without separating from psychologically from your original family. Can you be your chronological age in front of your family?
To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgement and your own ability to make choices.
Most of all, you must shift your primary love and loyalty to the marital partner and your primary focus to establishing a new family.
This emotional shift from being a son or daughter to being a wife or husband is accomplished by internally reworking your attachments to and conflicts with your parents.
The Good Marriage - Wallerstein & Blakeslee
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