What is a key predictor of stability in a romantic relationship? Is momentary disconnection tolerable rather than catastrophic? Is the belief that another person will be there again to help us regain our emotional balance and interconnect?
Attachment, a early bonding experience with a parent, often creates a lifelong pattern of whether we believe people respond to our emotional cues.
Those of us who wind up securely attached have learned that momentary disconnection to our parent is tolerable and will reconnect.
Those who become anxiously attached have been taught a different lesson: that we cannot rely on another person to respond and reconnect, so momentary disconnection is always potentially calamitous.
Those who have an avoidant attachment have absorbed a still harsher lesson: that no one will come when needed no matter what we do, so it's better not to bother trying to connect at all.
We carry these lessons forward into adulthood, where they color our romantic relationships.
"The past is never dead," wrote novelist William Faulkner, "Its not even past."
Psychologist Jessica Salavatore, along with her collegeagues at University of Minnesota, studied romantic relationships of 73 young adult men and women. When Salavador assessed the 73 subjects she found that even among those who had histories marked by insecurity, their romantic relationship was more likely to have endured if their partner was able to recover well from an argument and help them transition into a positive conversation.
The buffer, balance and bounce effect. A more secure partner buffers yours fears and helps you regain your emotional balance so you can reconnect. Then together, you both bounce back from separation distress, distance and conflict.
We are never so secure that we do not need our partner's help in readjusting the emotional music in our attachment dance. Relationship distress and repair are always a two person affair, a dance is never defined by just one person.
Love Sense ~ Dr. Sue Johnson
Attachment, a early bonding experience with a parent, often creates a lifelong pattern of whether we believe people respond to our emotional cues.
Those of us who wind up securely attached have learned that momentary disconnection to our parent is tolerable and will reconnect.
Those who become anxiously attached have been taught a different lesson: that we cannot rely on another person to respond and reconnect, so momentary disconnection is always potentially calamitous.
Those who have an avoidant attachment have absorbed a still harsher lesson: that no one will come when needed no matter what we do, so it's better not to bother trying to connect at all.
We carry these lessons forward into adulthood, where they color our romantic relationships.
"The past is never dead," wrote novelist William Faulkner, "Its not even past."
Psychologist Jessica Salavatore, along with her collegeagues at University of Minnesota, studied romantic relationships of 73 young adult men and women. When Salavador assessed the 73 subjects she found that even among those who had histories marked by insecurity, their romantic relationship was more likely to have endured if their partner was able to recover well from an argument and help them transition into a positive conversation.
The buffer, balance and bounce effect. A more secure partner buffers yours fears and helps you regain your emotional balance so you can reconnect. Then together, you both bounce back from separation distress, distance and conflict.
We are never so secure that we do not need our partner's help in readjusting the emotional music in our attachment dance. Relationship distress and repair are always a two person affair, a dance is never defined by just one person.
Love Sense ~ Dr. Sue Johnson
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