Profound adult intimacy isn't like "mother's milk."
It is the last thing we want when we feel insecure and, ironically the first thing we seek.
Intimacy is no refuge when couples are emotionally worn out and hungry.
It is necessary and inevitable that intimacy occur without trust and affirmation from your partner. Other-validated intimacy is nice when you can get it.
But when you do not, you can attempt to rise to the occasion and validate yourself.
Trying---and succeeding---to validate yourself when your partner doesn't validate you isn't as improbable as it might seem. This forces you to draw upon what is solid within yourself.
Intimacy involves your "relationship with yourself" as well as your relationship with your partner.
If you are strong enough to master your own anxieties and maintain your position, you will feel better about yourself. This is self-validated intimacy.
Self-validated intimacy is the means to two ends: becoming more of a person and developing a more resilient intimate relationship.
Passionate Marriage - Schnarch