Often couples become stuck into a task based routine in their lives, careers, raising children, financial responsibilities and lose the reason they originally came together, love. Negative interactions begin and form a disconnection loop. A pattern of negative behavior where one pursues, one distances. Or one blames and one defends. The inability for awareness or even to break free of old patterns of behaviors are often too difficult without the help of a trained therapist.
Once the negative loop is formed and couples continue to participate in this pattern of behavior, they also protest against the disconnect. This protest only feeds the disconnection further. If disconnection occurs, the struggle goes on One partner will frantically try to get an emotional response from the other. The other, feeling like he or she has failed at love will freeze up. Immobility in the face of danger is a wired in way to deal with a sense of helplessness.
This can only be quieted by a lover moving emotionally close to hold and reassure. In moments of safe attunement and connection, both can hear each other's needs and respond with soothing care, and recreating a bond that can withstand differences, wounds and the test of time.
Once partners know how to speak their need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger. Each partner provides a reassuring answer to the question, "Are you there for me?"
No wonder these moments create a new space of trusting connection for couples. No wonder they become stronger as individuals. If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth and your value. The world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.
Taken from Dr. Sue Johnson
Hold Me Tight
Once the negative loop is formed and couples continue to participate in this pattern of behavior, they also protest against the disconnect. This protest only feeds the disconnection further. If disconnection occurs, the struggle goes on One partner will frantically try to get an emotional response from the other. The other, feeling like he or she has failed at love will freeze up. Immobility in the face of danger is a wired in way to deal with a sense of helplessness.
This can only be quieted by a lover moving emotionally close to hold and reassure. In moments of safe attunement and connection, both can hear each other's needs and respond with soothing care, and recreating a bond that can withstand differences, wounds and the test of time.
Once partners know how to speak their need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger. Each partner provides a reassuring answer to the question, "Are you there for me?"
No wonder these moments create a new space of trusting connection for couples. No wonder they become stronger as individuals. If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth and your value. The world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.
Taken from Dr. Sue Johnson
Hold Me Tight
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