Marriage is a laissez-passer, a passport to travel in tandem on life's journey.
Even if the bride and groom have been partners for some time,
they are never fully prepared for this journey.
Thinking about the road is not the same as moving down it.
Couples need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind
any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip.
To decide the direction in which they will travel is so important and which way will they travel. Will it be by car or by air? Will it be the fast lane or the slow lane? How much money and what kind of provisions are available? What pace is most comfortable, and where are the stopping places? How will a couple deal with the bends in the road and with sudden landslides that temporarily block their paths?
Today the road maps of their predecessors are unreliable because
the landscape and the destinations have changed.
The first task in any first marriage --- romantic, rescue, traditional, or any other type ---
is to separate psychologically from the family of origin
and simultaneously create a new kind of connectedness with the parent's generation. These intertwined tasks, seemingly in opposition, are mutually necessary.
Psychological separation means gradually detaching from your family's emotional ties.
It does not mean driving across the country in a volkswagon bus or taking a three year assignment in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia.
And, it doesn't mean just sharing an apartment with someone you love.
It doesn't even mean getting married and having children --- for you can do all of that without separating psychologically from your original family.
To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgment and your own ability to make choices.
Most of all, you must shift your primary love and loyalty to the marital partner and your primary focus to establishing a new family.
The emotional shift from being a son or daughter to being a wife or husband is accomplished by internally reworking your attachments to and conflicts with your parents.
Good Marraige Wallerstein & Blakeslee
Even if the bride and groom have been partners for some time,
they are never fully prepared for this journey.
Thinking about the road is not the same as moving down it.
Couples need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind
any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip.
To decide the direction in which they will travel is so important and which way will they travel. Will it be by car or by air? Will it be the fast lane or the slow lane? How much money and what kind of provisions are available? What pace is most comfortable, and where are the stopping places? How will a couple deal with the bends in the road and with sudden landslides that temporarily block their paths?
Today the road maps of their predecessors are unreliable because
the landscape and the destinations have changed.
The first task in any first marriage --- romantic, rescue, traditional, or any other type ---
is to separate psychologically from the family of origin
and simultaneously create a new kind of connectedness with the parent's generation. These intertwined tasks, seemingly in opposition, are mutually necessary.
Psychological separation means gradually detaching from your family's emotional ties.
It does not mean driving across the country in a volkswagon bus or taking a three year assignment in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia.
And, it doesn't mean just sharing an apartment with someone you love.
It doesn't even mean getting married and having children --- for you can do all of that without separating psychologically from your original family.
To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgment and your own ability to make choices.
Most of all, you must shift your primary love and loyalty to the marital partner and your primary focus to establishing a new family.
The emotional shift from being a son or daughter to being a wife or husband is accomplished by internally reworking your attachments to and conflicts with your parents.
Good Marraige Wallerstein & Blakeslee
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