The core attachment question:
"Are you there for me?" Requires a "yes" in response.
A secure bond has three basic elements:
When these elements are missing and alienation and disconnection take over,
renewing a bond that is truly coming undone is essentially a process.
First, each partner must be there to
help each other slow down
and contain the circular dance that keeps them emotionally off balance
and hyper-vigilant for signs of threat or loss.
Relationships being to improve when partner can stop these run away cycles that create emotional starvation and attachment panic.
To curb these demand-withdraw cycles, we first need to recognize that they are cycles.
We get caught up in focusing on our partner's actions and forget that we are players too.
We have to realize that we are in a feedback loop that we both contribute to automatic, flaming,
"You always step on my foot" response.
This allows us to see the power and momentum of the dance and how we are both controlled and freaked out by it.
Partners, especially women, really respond to signs their loved one is trying to tune in and actually cares about their feelings.
This, in and of itself, creates a new safety zone where partners can begin to expand their dance steps and take risks with each other.
New ways of dealing with emotions help new steps form in the dance, which in turn shape new chances for re-attunement and repair.
Withdrawn partners have to open up and engage on an emotional level, and blaming partners have to risk asking for what they need from a place of vulnerability.
Partners must tune in to the bonding channel and stay there. They find this process risky, but if they follow it through, their relationships becomes flooded with positive emotion and
ascends to a whole new level.
This process is not only a correction move that kick starts trust but also, for many, a transforming and liberating emotional response.
Love Sense ~ Dr. Sue Johnson