always have the potential
for satisfactory resolutions.
When two partners engage in mutually respectful
negotiation and compromise,
they feel valued and allied.
if problems from the past
--- the Child--
remain unaddressed and unresolved,
they tend to be perpetuated in one guise
or another with any subsequent partner.
The same issues,
perhaps clothed in new garb
and diluted to some extent from experience
and with maturation,
nonetheless will keep coming up.
The adult's opportunity to became
is then further postponed.
There is a successful relationship process
by which both partner's
join together to resolve their conflicts.
What happens if only
one partner wants to change?
Then that person must discontinue
his/her role in the conflicted dance
and learn to develop new responses to the powerful,
old stimuli coming from the partner.
By not taking the old bait, he/she can keep off the old hooks.
Understanding the role each partner played
but no longer heeding the call
to continue with old patterns means that
the past is actually past
and no longer
interfering with the present.
The changed person can now
live fully in the present,
it may be without the old partner.
We reach a crucial juncture in our psychological growth
when our spouses are unwilling or unable to join us in the process.
With the recognition that we can be
the Adult with Wants
and no longer a
Child with Needs
comes another vital realization:
Having no relationship
may be better
a bad one.
Breaking Free _ Kardener & Kardener