Distress tolerance skills are essential for managing intense emotions and crises without making things worse. Here are some effective techniques you might find helpful:
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1. Distraction: Engage in activities that take your mind off the distressing situation. This could include watching a movie, reading a book, or exercising. The key is to divert your attention temporarily.
2. Self-Soothe: Use your senses to calm yourself. Listen to soothing music, take a warm bath, light a scented candle, or hold something soft. The goal is to create a comforting environment for yourself.
3. Radical Acceptance: Practice accepting the situation as it is, without trying to change it. This can help reduce the emotional impact of distressing events. It’s about acknowledging reality rather than fighting against it.
4. Pros and Cons: Evaluate the pros and cons of tolerating the distress versus acting impulsively. This can help you make more thoughtful decisions and avoid actions that might worsen the situation.
5. TIP Skills: These are designed to change your body’s chemistry to reduce distress quickly:
   • Temperature: Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice pack to bring down your emotional temperature.
   • Intense Exercise: Engage in short bursts of intense physical activity to release pent-up energy.
   • Paced Breathing: Slow your breathing down to a calm, steady rhythm to reduce anxiety.
   • Paired Muscle Relaxation: Tense and then slowly relax different muscle groups to release physical tension.
6. Crisis Survival Plan: Develop a plan for what to do in moments of crisis. This might include a list of coping strategies, emergency contacts, and steps to take to keep yourself safe.
7. Grounding Techniques: Use grounding exercises to bring yourself back to the present moment. This can include describing your surroundings in detail, focusing on the sensation of your feet on the ground, or using the 5-4-3-2-1 method (identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste).

These skills can be very helpful in managing and surviving moments of intense distress.
If you find these techniques helpful and want to learn more,
I can provide more details or suggest resources for further reading.

 In today's fast-paced world, self-care is more important than ever.

As a therapist, I've seen firsthand how small, consistent self-care practices can lead to significant improvements in mental well-being. In this post, I'll share my top 10 self-care strategies that you can start incorporating into your daily routine.

1. Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools for reducing stress and improving mental clarity. Even a few minutes of mindfulness each day can make a big difference. 

2. Physical Activity: Engaging in Physical activity releases endorphins and boosts mood. Whether it's a brisk walk, yoga, or a workout at the gym, find what works for you and make it a regular part of your routine.

3. Healthy Eating: Healthy eating plays a crucial role in mental health. Incorporate a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to nourish your body and mind. 

4. Quality Sleep: Quality sleep is essential for mental health. Establish a bedtime routine and create a restful environment to ensure you get the rest you need.

5. Journaling: Journaling can be a therapeutic way to process emotions and reflect on your day. Set aside a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings. 

6. Social Connections: Maintaining Social connections is vital for emotional support. Reach out to friends and family and consider joining a support group or community organization. 

7. Creative Outlets: Engage in Creative activities like drawing, painting, or playing music to express yourself and reduce stress. 

8. Nature Therapy: Spending time in Nature can have a calming effect on the mind. Take a walk in the park, hike a trail, or simply sit outside and enjoy the fresh air. 

9. Gratitude Practice: Practicing Gratitude can shift your focus to positive aspects of life. Start a gratitude journal and write down three things you're grateful for each day. 

10. Professional Help: Don't hesitate to seek Professional help when needed. Therapy can provide valuable support and guidance.

Conclusion: Incorporating these self-care strategies into your daily routine can lead to significant improvements in your mental health. Remember, self-care is not a luxury but a necessity.

Take the time to nurture your mind and body,
and you'll be better equipped to handle life's challenges.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.”

As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

•    An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
•    A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
•    A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
•    A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
•    An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold
        on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
•    An extreme need for approval and recognition
•    A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
•    A compelling need to control others
•    Lack of trust in self and/or others
•    Fear of being abandoned or alone
•    Difficulty identifying feelings
•    Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
•    Problems with intimacy/boundaries
•    Chronic anger
•    Lying/dishonesty
•    Poor communications
•    Difficulty making decisions

When a baby is born,
they are in their authentic selves. 
We as humans
have a need to belong. 
We are connected to our emotions.
A baby cries, they are attended to.
However, as the child becomes a toddler
and reacts with anger
and punished they are being taught
that all emotions are not tolerable.

So if you give a toddler a cookie and they get mad,
which they will, and the parent sits them in the corner for getting angry,they learn anger is not allowed. 

The lesson to the toddler is: If I experience my authentic self in childhood I will lose my attachment.
So I will give up my authentic self to belong. 
Authenticity becomes a threat. 
We are taught to give our authentic selves up to belong.

Speech by Theodore Roosevelt, the Man in the Arena, 1910.
It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood; who strive valiantly;
who err, who comes short again & again,
Because there is not effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds;
who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails at lease fails while daring greatly…”

Vulnerability is the capacity to be wounded. 
Defenses are developed to protect a child from pain. 
When we are hurt in childhood, vulnerability is too powerful to bear and we shut down.
However growth does not happen without vulnerability. 
Vulnerability in nature is essential for growth.
When we dismiss vulnerability as weakness, we are confusing ‘feeling’ with failing
and emotions as a liability. 
To reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and to re-ignite our passion and our purpose
we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability
and how to feel the emotions that come with it. 
The best part is learning vulnerability and understanding vulnerability.

In loving someone we leave ourselves emotionally exposed.
Vulnerability is uncertainty, a risk and emotional exposure. 
Vulnerability is also sharing an unpopular opinion, standing up for myself,
saying no, starting my own business, laying off employees,
the first date after my divorce, falling in love,
breaking up from my love to keep my honor,
trying something new, exercising in public, admitting I am afraid, being accountable,
having faith, fired, taking off the mask and
hoping the real me is not too disappointing, not sucking it in anymore,
letting go of control, being all in, is freedom, fear,
every single time, baring your belly in the face of the enemy,
terrifying and necessary, being naked when everyone else is clothed,
and taking the first step in what you fear the most.


Taken from writings of Brene Brown

What is Limerent Attachment?

Limerence is considered as a cognitive and emotional state
of being emotionally attached to or
even obsessed with another person.

Limerent Attachement is typically experienced involuntarily
and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of
one's feelings—a near-obsessive form of romantic love.

Some call it Love Addiction.

As in an addiction of any kind, this attachment style is when the object of your infatuation to another person becomes central to your life at all costs.

• Can you become pleasantly fixed in thoughts of the other person much of your day making them the object of your day. Often in longing or craving.
• Can you also be haunted by the other person in fixed thoughts of doubt and trust, seeking clarity which interferes with your day.

The result is your emotions swing between ecstasy and despair, puts the mind in a state of good or bad. 

• Does this add to your life or distract from your life.
• Do you “own” your life?

Does my relationship make my life and my outlook wider?
Or does it give me narrow focus and attention much of the time on them? 
Does it interfere with my relationship with friends? 
Does it interfere in developing new friendships and my own interests? 
Does it interfere with my pursing what I am interested in and my own personal goals?
Or have I made the relationship more about them, their needs, their interests, their goals and I get lost?  Do I get lost in waiting?

Limererent attachment is part of a tie to another person;
it adds an enormous intensity to the attachment “hunger”- which is the dependency feelings that come from an early memory, a memory that is largely forgotten.

Just like the alcoholic in the strong denial, of justification, minimization, rationalization and avoidance of keeping that person in one's life, when it disrupts important social, occupational, or recreational activities and a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school or home.  Remembering only the intensity of the fantasy of the good parts of what the relationship has provided and denying or allowing the pain of the distress, craving and unmet needs.

Understanding the development of this attachment style is important in breaking the "craving"
and addiction to that person. So difficult since the denial system is engaged and keeps the relationship intact as in the sub categories of denial mentioned above. The feeling of being needy, vulnerable from a traumatic time or from a time of an emotionally deprived childhood.  “A deposit in our earlier memory bank” and gets us in the “throes of those primitive feelings.”

Actually this position activates needs for caring, closeness, skin against skin and eye to eye. 
Almost needing another person to survive and feel safe and whole. 

This attachment style arouses strong emotions from a more fragile time.
It is important to define that Limerence attachment can be one of life’s greatest emotional delights.
Yet can you manage the high cost for the emotional benefits these feelings give you
and the ability differentiate yourself?  The ability to have a self.  Most cannot.

The ecstasy of limerence is difficult to go against, the limerence feelings then can develop idealizing and enmeshment with another person. Some justify this position by the old beliefs that "we are one" the many stories shared with us about "the perfect love" - However these beliefs are just that, stories. 
We cannot have a healthy relationship without having a self. 
More so to define a healthy relationship as "interdependent, not codependent or fused."

Note these hazards:

1. To the extent that Limerence makes you idealize the other person, it also blinds you to their faults, it can make you feel unworthy relative to them, and you may be tempted therefore, to settle for crumbs and great unhappiness within the relationship.
   
2. Your fear of chasing away this marvelous person may lead you to avoid the kind of confronting and engaging that is usually necessary to the development of a mutual and truly satisfying relationship.
3. You may tend to forget, if you ever knew, that in the asking and sustaining of a good healthy relationship, limerence is not nearly enough.  Do not lose yourself in someone else.

 
A new focus: I am substantial as a human being to have an impact on another human being.                       I am special and significant and I really exist in this world. I can connect with another with love without loosing who I am today.  I have meaning and worth and I am lovable.
I am complete now. I can have a self and a relationship and I do not have to be fused and dependent,
I can be interdependent and support my partner at times of need and they can support me in those times as well, however I do not loose myself in someone else.

You can make your way through and recover yourself by loving and developing you.

 If you survived unmet needs of loss early on, you can survive it now.

The so-called black sheep of the family are,
in fact, hunters born of paths of liberation
into the family tree.

The members of a tree who do not conform to the norms
or traditions of the family system,
those who since childhood have constantly sought
to revolutionize beliefs,
going against the paths marked by family traditions,
those criticized, judged and even rejected,
these are usually called to free the tree of repetitive stories
that frustrate entire generations.

The black sheep, those who do not adapt, those who cry rebelliously,
play a basic role within each family system,
they repair, pick up and create new and unfold branches in the family tree.

Thanks to these members, our trees renew their roots.
Its rebellion is fertile soil, its madness is water that nourishes,
its stubbornness is new air, its passion is fire that re-ignites the light of the heart of the ancestors.

Uncountable repressed desires, unfulfilled dreams,
the frustrated talents of our ancestors are manifested in the rebelliousness
of these black sheep seeking fulfillment.

The genealogical tree, by inertia will want to continue to maintain the castrating and toxic course of its trunk, which makes the task of our sheep a difficult and conflicting work.

However, who would bring new flowers to our tree if it were not for them?
Who would create new branches?
Without them, the unfulfilled dreams of those who support the tree generations ago would die buried beneath their own roots.

Let no one cause you to doubt, take care of your rarity as the most precious flower of your tree.

You are the dream of all your ancestors.



-Written by Bert Hellinger

Today it seems that "ghosting" in ending a dating relationship is way too frequent and popular.  "Ghosting" has become far too common in the dating scene today. 

"Ghosting" is the term used when someone you have been dating abruptly ends the relationship without any contact at all.  Suddenly no calls, texts, or communication.

Listening to many clients who have experienced the painful type of good-bye called "ghosting" I say to them,

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!" 

"Ghosting" is about the emotionally immature partner who avoids their own feelings of discomfort, avoids vulnerability and honesty.

Their own goal is to make it easy for them to say goodbye.

The "ghosting" process is not that the partner had lack of feelings towards you. The person "ghosted" often goes to the place that their feelings did not matter in the relationship.  In fact the feelings did matter. The partner who does the "ghosting" does not want to feel bad themselves.  They do not want to face any personal pain or the pain they may cause in saying goodbye. Avoidance of feeling.

"Ghosting " is selfish.
In fact "ghosting" is emotional cruelty.

What happens to the partner who has been shut down by all communication and "ghosted"???
It is common to initially feel shock, denial and confusion.
 
Think about how close you may have felt to someone and with the belief that all is doing well or even just o.k., then not hear a word. How devastating! 

I have even heard from clients that these partners have discussed with them the term "ghosting".  How the partner does not participate in that kind of good-bye!  What I really hear from that statement is, "trust me, I am being authentic, I won't do this to you, then I do it to you"
Talk about emoitonal cruelty!

After the initial realization that their partner is not answering them and has "bowed" out without a word or reason, that "ghosted" person often is followed by emotions of shame, embarrassment, and more confusion. 

One may feel powerless due to not being able to speak about their feelings and not able to discuss and understand their partners decision. The abruptness of no communication can create a feeling of powerlessness, low self esteem and initiate negative stories we make up in order to define the ending of the relationship which can sometimes begin with self blame. Guessing and uncertainty alone creates pain.

Those who have been "ghosted" ~ please don't go there.  Its not about you. Its about your ex-partner's lack of courage and emoitonal incompetency.

As shame comes up for the partner that has been "ghosted", often feelings from previous relationships of rejection surface. In many individuals some early emoitonal abandonment can be activated.

This abandonment is formed when we have had to trust our caregiver during our formative years and the caregivers were not there with emotional support. With immature cognitive thoughts, the child blames themselves and the child can carry a notion of "not being good enough" as they grow in the world.  Unprocessed and internalized beliefs, those symbiotic emotions of shame and 'not feeling good enough' arise in the "ghosted" adult.  Can you see the emoitonal cruelty that ghosting induces?

So, you who have had these difficult "ghosting" experiences.  Know this. 

You are resilient.  Be patient with yourself and strengthen your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who are like you who honest and kind.  Try to keep things simple and laugh often. Distract yourself with some social events.  Continue to define your life with authenticity, and dismiss any ideas of perfectionism and perceived judgement. Accept your wonderful humanness. Keep walking forward, your self worth is within you, not in others.

Continue to be your authentic and vulnerable self.

Freud said, “Two hallmarks of a healthy life are the abilities to love and to work. Each requires imagination.”

Don't forget to keep loving...
You are resilient, compassionate and courageous. Please continue to be in your authentic self.  Allow yourself to relax and move gently forward....You will find the right partner.