Having more with being more,
Or with what you have,
With who you are.
Don't confuse having less with being less,
Having more with being more, Or with what you have, With who you are.
0 Comments
Vulnerability facilitates closeness. Resisting vulnerability is protecting oneself. Through vulnerability allows one to get to the truth. So many times working with couples I see many who resist conflict. "Let it go, its not that important, I am too tired to fight again, it's too uncomfortable, it doesn't really matter." However the outcome often comes with built up resentments, feeling unheard, not seen or important, polarized as a couple, separate, loneliness. Don't be afraid of conflict. Be afraid of loosing your partner and your connection. It is ok to be uncomfortable for a time, for in resolving conflict comes connection and intimacy. Discover yourself and give what you wish to receive. Listen deeply without defending, give what you wish to get, validate your partner. Remember, each of us have a different perspective. Both of you are right. We each hear and translate information based on our past experiences, our upbringing, our gender and the meaning we give. When we listen deeply we begin to realize what our partner heard from us, it may not be what we meant, however their perspective is theirs and our perspective may be different. When clarified we have an opportunity to correct, to understand and connect. For example, "I didn't know your feelings were hurt, I was not aware that this tone makes you feel that way, I would not intentionally do that to you." Discover in yourself, what makes me feel safe with my partner? What makes your partner feel safe? What do I need to have more comfort in our conversations when we try to resolve conflict? What does your partner need? Isn't resolving conflict about talking and listening and understanding? Resolving conflict is not shouting, or name calling or insults or anger. Settle the emotion before you both sit down to figure out the conflict, and in that discussion the outcomes will lead you to understanding and connection and intimacy deepens. Our instinct to protect ourselves stops us from pursing the needed conversations in the right moments. Provide authenticity and honesty, your intimacy only deepen. “We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” ― E.E. Cummings “The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it." "All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past... Mindful awareness can bring into consciousness those hidden, past-based perspectives so that they no longer frame our worldview. ’Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present… Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.’ … In present awareness we are liberated from the past.” Are we training our brain to ruminate? Ruminating is getting on the "hamster wheel of thought" of going over and over and over the same thoughts as to obtain perceived control or change. However we cannot change the event that happened or is going to happen. Often we ruminate about negative events. When we do so, the brain lights up other connections to other negative events. Ruminating often triggers memories of similar situations in the past. We then have an unproductive focus on the gap between what is real and the ideal self. We think when we ruminate we reduce stress or distress. Yet do we? Stop ruminating by realizing what you are doing. Change your physical positions. Become more external than internal. Engage in conversation, do something positive, be mindful internally by staying in the moment -and use your five senses to do so. Listen to the sound around you, the temperature, the sights you are seeing, what you may smell or taste. Choose to break the negative cycle of ruminating. Codependency is a trauma related loss of self that happens slowly throughout our personality development. It is fear based and is a predictable set of qualities and behaviors that grows out of feeling anxious and therefore hyper-vigilant in our intimate relationships. Many children in dysfunctional families, those children who became caretakers and pleasers in their family, became adept at reading the behavioral cues of those around them. Mostly to remain safe. Their very survival depended on scanning the environment accurately for signs of danger. Many children lost touch with their own feelings, thoughts and needs, also into their adulthood. The coping in childhood that was formed becomes the coping one uses as an adult. "Our scanning is tied in with our fear response, which is tied in with our survival response. We get scared, we freeze, we scan. It is the co-dependent dance." Often in codependency we become attracted to emotional qualities in others that we have had to disown in ourselves. The characteristics that attracted us are often the qualities that anger us later when we seek to control and fix the behaviors that attracted us in the first place. In a couples relationship one member who has grown up over functioning as the caretaker in his or her family of origin is often attracted to the individual who becomes childlike or dependent in the relationship. Each member of the dyad is thinking "love at first sight" however by over functioning, one member of the relationship can teach to other to under function. It is the individual who has the volume knob turned up on high to care take and no longer has control over the volume. They focus on the needs, feelings, and expectations of others to the exclusion of their own needs, and are more often than not attracted to those who "need them." In return for the caretaking, the dominant codependent partner has unstated expectations and wants their partner to read their minds, body language and make assumptions as they had attempted to do for their partner. Once this does not occur, the over functioning codependent complains their needs are never met and their partner does not do his/her share. The over functioning codependent often feels they have no one to lean on, feel very alone and unloved. Both codependents, the over functioning and under functioning have trouble taking care of their emotions and requesting their emotional needs to be met. For the codependent, the over functioning behavior is a defense against anxiety. This behavior, which was perfected in childhood, allows the individual to become "other focused" thereby escaping focus on self and their emotions. It is a defense against feeling and coping with those feelings. Rigidity exists because over functioning is not just a bad habit, it is a misguided attitude or overzealous wish to be helpful or a behavior pattern caused by living with it chronically. That under functioning individual in their childhood is often an alcoholic. It is also a pattern of managing anxiety that grows out of our experience in our first family and has deep roots in prior generations as well. Healing is possible. There is a saying, "short term pain is long term gain." Undoing some core beliefs, discomfort in identifying needs and the vulnerability in asking for those needs to be met towards healing can be a painful process, however the rewards of leading a life that is free from the chains of the past is worth the hard work. Taken from the book, "After the Tears" Middelton-Moz & Dwinell I give myself permission to be kind to myself. I am loved and protected. It takes courage TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST. I have that courage. I am worth it. Taking care of myself will allow me to show up for others. Take care of me will allow the feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt to melt away. After the feelings of anger, resentment and hurt melt away, I am left with my true self. My true self requires attention and care. I have the ability to give myself what I need. And today, I need kindness. Being kind to me flows into good mental and physical health. Good mental and physical health is available to me now. I am deserving of good mental and physical health. I make a commitment to be well. I feel the benefits of being well. Fear is a very real emotion that can render us powerless. Much of our power is to be found in the choices we make and the actions we take, with every choice either leading us down the same familiar path or propelling us towards a new future. Without warning, fear can take over. There is so much turmoil in our hearts and in our heads that it is easy to lose sight of what is truly important to us. We are influenced by the myriad events in our lives -- both the joyous and grace filled events and those that blindside us and leave us hurt, angry, sad or grief ridden. Everyday we make choices and are confronted with different possibilities that shape our future. We often treat these choices as if they mean nothing, as if there will be no consequences, or if there are, we will deal with them later --- tomorrow, next week or whenever. But these day to day choices either whittle away at our self esteem and confidence or add to our character making us feel strong and more alive. Our ability to cut through fear and to act with cause is determined by whether our choices are made from thoughtfulness and planning or while we are on automatic pilot which is our non thinking or non feeling state that drives us to repeat old patterns of regret. As we pause, think, and choose, we act with purpose and cause. If you grew up without a strong sense of self, you second guessed yourself constantly. Confused by the internal doubt filled chatter you most likely shrank in the face of adversity, hid when you needed to be seen, and kept your mouth shut when your voice needed to be heard. Fear will have you choose what you believe will keep you safe even when the opposite is true. There are kinds of lies that keep fear in power. Codependency is prioritizing others needs, expectations, problems over one's own mental and physical health. In codependency, a person's sense of worth comes from others rather than internally. Codependent individuals do not believe in their inherent value so they need external measures to prove their worth. One may over focus on their partner. Keeping that partner is worth more than anything else. The goal of recovery is inter-dependency. :This is where a person can care and nurture others but never to one's own personal detriment. This external focus leads a codependent person to want to control the other person in the relationship. This highlights the fundamental paradox of codependency. The more someone tries to control another, the more out of control they feel since no person can change another. This paradox leads them to feel powerless and victimized. Codependency is a pervasive experience, it is a lens through which one sees the people in one's life. In codependency, emotional experience is often reduced to feelings of fear or anxiety; (I am not safe) or a resentment (You should be the way I want you to be) or guilt (I cannot say no or I am bad) and shame (I am not worthwhile or lovable). Furthermore, people with codependency have the disorder whether there are in relationship or not, it exists within them. Codependent relationships are inherently imbalanced. Usually there is someone who gives beyond what is appropriate, reasonable, or honest, and there is someone who takes inappropriately. Recovery is possible. Therapy can provide understanding of the development of codependency in the family system. Also can provide the understanding of how to develop self worth, self assertiveness and boundaries, and identification of needs and asking one's needs to be met. The goal being how do I achieve and maintain an interdependent relationship. Resources from The Codependeny Recovery Plan, K. Mazzola LMFT |
Archives
November 2023
|